BPDFamily.com

My T told me to post this here, as we had a disagreement.

My exBPD was attractive, and I would like to sleep with her. I am almost 3 months post B/U and have come to the full realization how screwed up this relationship was and that yes, I was abused. I can honestly say I have 0 interest in getting back in a relationship with her, and will never feel feelings of love for her again.

That being said, I'd like to sleep with her. It's familiar, should be relatively easy, and frankly... if she gets hurt, I don't really care (although, that isn't my goal)

My T says I'd be better off getting some new girls. But I feel that is more risky and more likely to hurt an innocent party, I am in no way shape or form interested in a relationship. Not even a little. T seems to think if I do this with exBPD, I will only setback my progress and start pining for her again. But I honestly don't believe thats possible.

Thoughts? Has anyone moved on emotionally and then been able to enjoy a no strings attached relationship? Do you ever really move on, or would I still be vunerable to her considerable charms?

It may be possible but it depends on how badly you got hurt and where you are in recovery.  3 months seems a bit soon when it comes to recovering with a borderline.

You will absolutely set back your progress if you proceed w this thinking.  Additionally, there is no such thing as a r/s in any form w a pBPD that would not involve emotions or manipulations.  You may think you dont want your ex back and could term in FWB but theres still something keeping you drawn to your ex. Beyond sex.

Your T is absolutely correct.  Its a mistake.

Hrmm... So while I may feel today that I am 100% over this, and see her for the seriously damaged little troll she is, one that is completely incapable of a healthy relationship,  that I am in a sense deluding myself?

Well, I've had a lot of reinforcement that she was always going to be impossible to please so it killed the what if games, which allowed me to move on. I know 100% that there is no making this she devil happy, and I don't even want to try... let the guy who is dumb enough to marry her deal with it

Why would you want to have sex with a damaged little troll? There are women that dont want a rs right now, but would like companionship. I say move on, let the troll rot in the woods and spare yourself the agony! Is a good lay really worth all the BS that would come along with it?

Respect yourself enough to walk away. Having sex with her will only give her the idea she has power over you, is it by having sex... .Dont give her that pleasure.

On a more respectfull note... .Why would you want to "use" her? She is mentally ill and that doesnt give her the right or excuse to have abused you the way she did. But you are a non, you know better. Dont lower your standard and "use" her the way she might have used you.

Find a healthy person, be honest about your intentions and if the healthy woman has the same intentions no one has to get hurt.

Well, I figure it's better to "use" someone that is completely incapable of a healthy relationship anyway. And ya, she screwed me over pretty bad, which makes it that much easier.

The problem is that I don't want to find a healthy person, I do not want a relationship or to have feelings for anyone, and I certainly don't want to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.

It's your decision, but I think you will feel better if you choose not to be the man who exploits a mentally ill woman for sex. However badly she treated you, do you want to be that man?

So don't have sex? I mean this in the most respectful way. Honestly I never got the point of having sex if it wasn't for a meaningful purpose such as love. As when you have sex with someone youre literally becoming one in a union of your souls as well as your energies in turn aligning with this. Youre sharing the deepest connection physically and spiritually you can with another person. And to go deeper into this youre having sex essentially with a child. Maybe not physically albeit but in her mind that's where she is and you want to "use" her to attain physical gratification... just think about that. I know after I realized this as much as Id love to have that connection with her I just cant get myself to go there anymore. Its wrong. Yeah maybe she "used" me for control and validation with sex. But an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.

And I know youre going to do what you do but I just wanted to give you the wisdom I attained in hopes that you will at least give this a thought before you go through with it... which if you do definitely wear a condom because I was stupid enough to believe my ex wasn't with anyone else last recycle when I was still majorly in the FOG. Well long story short I ended up taking a heroic dose of antibiotics for and sti. Never again. 

   

Yep. Pretty grubby stuff, when you think about it.

I'm in the same boat. BPDx was attractive and crazy in bed and that's why i let her get away with so much.

But i tend to be a nice guy so i was genuninely concerned when she told me she was being physically abused by her x-husband. That was a big mistake as it was a sign of weakness and i successfully scouted as the next victim. If i could do it all over again i would have just kept the relationship sexual and not give a crap about what was going on with her personal life. I'm pretty sure i can still have sex with her even though she's on to the 3rd or 4th replacement after me but given that we have a child together it's not worth the drama i am sure will follow.

Part of the reason these people are so damaged is due to the fact they were "used", mistreated, abandoned when they were little.  There may be some genetics that's contribute to BPD but a vast majority of it is psychological abuse... .correct?  By  using her, in basically "hit it  and quit it" (pardon the expression) style you are only recreating the toxic environment.

Forgive me if I seem presumptuous but your lack of empathy seems to be slightly vindictive.  I am sure your relationship was hurtful and toxic but treating her like a piece of meat isn't the solution.

These people didn't ask to be infiltrated with BPD.  They may not seek the help that they so desperately need but they are still human.  No one deserves to be used.  After all, did you enjoy it?  I know I sure as hell didn't.

Didn't you recently try the FWB with "I fall right back into my old role of trying to make her stop being mad at me."


And where will these relationship skills go?


You wrote all this a month ago. Month.

My question is whether you can truly compartmentalize a relationship with her that will be (1) satisfying and (2) not trigger her emotions AND will (3) she compartmentalize her relationship with you in a way it won't trigger your emotions.

Your therapist sounds like she has a good handle on this.

Yes, so why would you want to voluntarily step into that role with her, now that you've been working on detaching? After you've felt how bad it is to be in that position yourself? It's best to move on. Less damage, not more.

I agree with the T. Don't do it.

As far as wanting sex with no strings attached, there are plenty of people in this world that want that. Check out some online dating sites or other places like that. It is much better and healthier to have a one night stand with somebody that has the same desires as you than it is to try to use somebody else.

FWB has the word "friends" in it. Friendship isn't based on using someone. This sounds more like revenge sex - proof that you're probably still not over her and wanting to prove you are. Or to punish her or get your needs met for a change? I'm just guessing. You're probably still very angry with her, more than you realize. That's ok, I'm sure she put you thru hell, but this is not the healthiest way to handle it. Your therapist is right. This is playing with fire and will likely set back the progress you've made.

This is not going to turn out well for you! You may be thinking you can do this, but chances are you will be right back to day 1 of confusion and denial and the what ifs! This would become another recycle!

I can only express my own thoughts on this and my story!

Like most of us, we have done the recycle roller coaster which sex sealed the deal to start a new one!

My exBPDbf was an incredible freaky, passionate and extremely gifted in the package dept. our relationship eventually was powered by our sex life. We were at it everyday 7 days a week and 5-7 times a day minimum. It was crazy, fun, exciting, passionate loving and mutual pleasure for both of us!

When I broke up with him each time, he used his power as a way to get back to me, because of our intense chemistry.

Each recycle was a big mistake that always had the same result.

I thought too that why should I have to give this up and we could just be fwb and nothing more, but I know I would only be fooling myself. Borderlines are much better at that game and I knew I could not keep my emotions at hand.

Yes when we are in the angry stage and convincing ourselves that we don't love them anymore it might appear that we could be fwb, but it's not going to work most of the time.

We loved them, it's a deep love. It's buried inside but will probably be released the moment you are intimate again.

All of every emotion could come pouring out and they will leave you raw and exposed again. They will move on again.

Playthings get boring after awhile, you will just be an old toy they play with for a little while again.

Please think this out! I gave up the best, most intense sex with the finest tool I have ever seen.

I know sex is a boundary that will never be able to crossed again with him without losing me again!

I must keep n/c for my sanity and well being!

My advice would be to wait to be in a healthier place for you and then find a new good person.

Hi Tim Tom, I understand how you're feeling and the urge and thought process about wanting to have sex with your ex BPDgf. For some of us, having sex with our ex BPD partners was amazing! I speak from my own personal experience with my ex BPDbf. I've also read a lot of books and information/posts on the site explaining "why" the sex was so great (about control, etc.).

It's difficult enough to go NC and not see or hear from our ex BPD's. But, there are major withdrawals we experience from the attention, companionship, texting, and sex. We want a "fix" or a high when we are feeling so hurt and low. I get it, but, that's what our ex BPD's would do to escape the feelings of shame and anger.

I'm 4 months NC and the urges have gotten less. However, in my situation my ex BPDbf lied to me and cheated on me. He went from telling me on a Wed. that I was the "love of his life", to spending the night with a woman he "just" met on a dating site on Saturday!

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I saw a photo of the OW. She was an old, used looking, dirty blond hag. I had a film real playing in my head for the first few months after I ended it and went NC. Very painful! So Whenever I begin ruminating on the good times, especially the sex, all I have to do is bring up that film real. It puts me back on track and moving forward in my journey of recovery.

My ex BPDbf didn't reveal he suffered from BPD until I confronted him about the cheating. That was at the end of a 4 year encounter! Looking back, I know now that the cheating was not just one time. I'm sure it went on during our entire encounter!

I'm a female in my 40's. Have I ever had an FWB? Yes, in my 20's & 30's. Was I able to disconnect my emotions and feelings from the act? A BIG no! My advice, don't get back on the Rollercoaster ride through the little shop of horrors! If you have sex with her, you'll get sucked back in. You've come to far now = your 3 months out.

So why not wait a little while TimTom.  Give it another 3 mths just in case your T is correct.  Keep working on your own healing and you may find with time you'll have a different perspective.  With the pain you have been through I can relate to wanting to soothe yourself and the sex with the BPDex sounds like it would do just that but if you are wrong imagine the consequences.

I have mixed feelings about this. If my ex showed up at my door, I'd like to think that I wouldn't pursue a recycle. However, I might just try to "get some". But, I know that I couldn't do that without emotions involved, which in fact would lead to me trying to recycle. So, as much as I might want her to just show up at my door, I hope that she doesn't. She doesn't know my apartment # anyhow. I guess she could find my car and watch to see where I go. But honestly, I doubt that I'll ever see her again unless we run into each other somewhere.

As far as exploiting a mentally ill person. I agree with what everyone is saying. But honestly, as much as it hurts me to say this. Looking back, my ex is a slut. She may pick certain "victims", but she gives it out freely. It would be one thing if I targeted her. But if she's giving it out freely, she's exploiting herself in my opinion. But the thought of her being with a bunch of other guys kind of makes me think of her as "tainted meat"(walking dead reference).

That's how the BPDx in my situation is. She picks out a certain victim and entraps them with a child (up to 4 kids by 3 guys now) or some sort of commitment like an engament. The victims are typically guys like me: good, kind hearted guys with stable jobs, etc. The victim and his family by extenstion are only there to make her life easier for her in the form of helping out with rent/bills, access to a car, and watching all her kids (the 4 children are all under 6 years old). She completely dominates the victim but as soon as the honeymoon phase is over,  she's out having NSA sex with anyone that gives her a little attention. Now the people she has NSA sex with for the most part are the polar opposite of the victim.

Hrmm... That part of our life was good, not sure if it was vindictive. And if it's clear, this is just FWB and she agrees, what is the harm?

Yes this is all true, I went down this path already, but it was  fresh out the relationship and only lasted a few weeks. And yes, I did end up falling back into the same routine, but that was after 3-4 weeks after the FWB ended.

Like is said in OP, maybe I am deluding myself. I am here to hear others thoughts to help me figure out my own.

I suggested a FWB situation with my ex after the breakup, since she couldn't handle all the intimacy what a real relationship has. She was incredibly offended and painted me blacker than black.

The bolded is what my T said, and I do find that plausible...

But I can assure you that it's not about revenge. If it was about revenge I could do other things that take a lot less effort and come with less risk

haha yes...

And re: sex without emotions I misspoke.

There is a part of me that will ALWAYS love her, always. There are still emotions there, what isn't there is the fiction that I could have a relationship with her. I know this, and I feel it on every level. It's just not possible

I still think 3 moths is not enough try 6 months a year after you've been dating and seeing other people. You would have to detached first and by that time you may never want to see her again. Going to her with a need sort of gives her the upper hand.

Ehh, she is the one texting me and looking to talk on phone. Plus I don't really care if she has the upper hand, she's had since like month 3 of the relationship lol

OK.  So the two of you may be contemplating a recyle.  

If you go this route - and sometimes we are compelled to do so - please become a "Staying Board" scholar.

That is far more real than convincing yourself that this is FWB and you have an Ironman mask on.

I encourage you to do the real work - whether you stay or go.  :)on't be one of those members who recycles, plays it the same as before (more or less), and then comes back with "proof - all pwBPD traits are hopeless."

If you recycle - man up and learn about the disorder and the tools and do your best to make them work.  Starting as FWB is a non-committal first step - but things are not going to change unless some real changes are made.

You're the healthy one - its on you.

Seems like you've already made up your mind tim tom. All the advice given here is argumented by you. Its your path, your decision, you dont have to convince any of us, we are not here to judge you. I really hope it works out for you and I really hope it works out for your ex as well with respect from both sides. I know I recycled many times, always with the intention to do better, to practise SET and have firm boundaries, but I failed and took things personally. That kind of rs was not for me in any way shape or form.

Good luck on your journey

I fear a looming disaster here, why would you risk it for some sex?

I'd rather stick it in a jar of angry wasps than my lying, cheating ex.

Wait... .wait, does that really work? Will a bowl work?

Fair enough, but I don't want a recycle. So much so that I'll even refrain from pursuing this.

fwiw... my T made it very clear that there is nothing I could do to make her happy, she'd keep moving the goal posts, and life would be generally unpleasant. I believe her, which is why I'm not going to proceed any further here.

I think the only way it can work is if the BPD is willing to work on herself, in therapy and understand their issues. My ex won't hear any of that, I know cause I suggested couples therapy for us once and she flew off the handle about not being crazy.

I just don't know, maybe I do want to prove it to myself but I honestly think there is 0% chance I could ever want a relationship with this person again

I have not made up my mind, if my mind was made up I wouldn't be posting about it... .I'm simply responding with my own thoughts, cause yes, I'd like to do it. But wanting to do it, and making up my mind to do it, are 2 different things. I'd like to hop a plane to Vegas tonight and quit my job too, but I am not going to do that :)

I have had these thoughts as well. My dBPDw actually teases me constantly. But then I think about how awful she would feel about herself afterwards. I also think, as someone else said, she would start to use it as a tool to manipulate. As great as she was in bed, and as hot is she is, I feel like it would damage her even more. But, I understand what you are thinking. I entertain it occasionally but I really don't want to.

tim_tom,

I think you may be missing the point ad I say this to help you.  If you go back in any capacity, learning the tools is essential for YOU.

You are completely focused on her issues and that is   .  However troubled she was, what broke you was a troubled relationship and you fueled that as much as her.

It's easy to jump in threads and co-ruminate on what a wreck our partner was - many were  - but this type of thinking is a codependency (as we define it here) trait.  Read the signs here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

You know her.  You have access to a lot of research material.  You have a good therapist.  Everything you do going forward - in a breakup, a recycle, or a FWB arrangement is about you.  :)on't be blinded by codependency goggles.

Skip

Ok, I understand. And believe me, I understand and accept my responsibility for my role in this mess. What I'm saying is that staying with her would very likely create an emotionally draining existence, that at best i might learn to manage her and manage my reaction to her, but who wants to be in a life long supposedly loving relationship like that. My T told me this exact thing after about a month of reading books and online material about BPD. I am not trying to mark her with the scarlet B, rather, I am taking the opportunity of being mostly emotionally disengaged, and looking back and saying I want better then what she will provide.

I would address the fact the way you look at 'sex'.

Sounds like you have little to no respect for women (and they, have little to no respect for themselves) and sex is like getting a Happy Meal at Mc Donalds... .just get what you like, and throw away the rest when you are done.

I would address the lack of respect and appreciation towards women first.

I would definitely not have casual sex with an ex, ever, not even if it meant saving the human race.

Wanting casual sex is not automatically a sign of having no respect for women. Lots of people (male and female) have casual sex while still respecting the other person. If two adults consent to having casual sex and want the same things, it isn't disrespectful at all. Having no respect for the ex is not the same as having no respect or appreciation towards women in general.

Maybe you're making more of a distinction between "staying with her"  and entering into a FWB arrangement.

I'm suggesting that in either case, you are recycling and would different tools and skills than used before if you go this route.

I'm not suggesting that you "do" or "don't do" go back - not my place - but that your history makes me think you are underestimating what it would take to make this work and I caution you not to underestimate.   :)

I hope that helps.

Tim_Tom, please take your therapist's advice and JUST WALK AWAY! In dealing with BPDs there is no such thing as 'no-strings ANYTHING'! Any involvement you have with her, whether its FWB sex or even just sending an emoticon text will eventually be to your own detriment. That fantastic sex you used to have? Well, while you were taking pleasure from the sex, she was taking pleasure from seeing her game-plan come together. In any interaction between the two of you, the BPD will always be at least four moves ahead of you. And you so don't want to go where she's leading ... .

That is entirely unfair and you do not know my history, I have never had a 1 night stand, and never had sex outside of a committed relationship in which we were dating first.

Humans are sexual beings, men and women both enjoy it. I said in my OP that I'm unwilling to engage in meaningless sex with someone new, just because i have a healthy dose of respect for women. I still have feelings for my ex, and her me, and I am not interested in starting a new relationship, nor am I emotionally available in that way, to anyone, including my exBPD.

I can accept that people can see a host of issues with what I'm thinking, but a lack of respect for women shouldn't be one of them. Maybe a lack of respect for my exBPD is a fair point, but not women in general

Tim tom, have you considered in deep reflection how this potential action might be more so, a lack of respect for yourself?

This is a support forum full of members in various stage of learning combined with deep emotion.  No one here judges, rather we try to learn from one another, to not only protect ourselves from a r/s experience as painful as we endured, but to  regain and redirect respect and insight... .on us. 

We can dissect the disorder and our ex's endlessly.  And we need to do that to detach.  But at a certain point, we need to start turning the ship.

And start changing the discussion. 

And energy.

To  ourselves.

That is the most important part of this experience. And pivotal. Or our own r/s patterns repeat.

And thats what I hope you gain from this thread.

Your previous posts indicated you felt your r/s was abusive. 

Is your T perhaps correct in saying there is more you might want to consider before you reengage/recycle for FWB?

I understand the journey.

I've been there.