BPDFamily.com

Hey all!

So after last night's argument, which I totally tried to avoid by just trying to not respond to the idiotic things he was saying... I find myself wondering how I avoid these.

First, he notices something that I am doing (actually homework) that upsets him. Then he starts raising his voice to me because he is angry at what I am doing FOR homework... .and assuming a whole ton of crap that I "will" be doing (which of course, I will not be), and TELLING me that I am mad at him. And at first I am not mad at him, but I AM saddened by his reaction to my assignment.

Eventually it gets into me being the most selfish person in the world because I went back to school. "all you think about is "me me me" You don't consider anyone else's feelings."

I tried to avoid getting sucked into the argument in the first place by not responding. If I do not respond it is because "I don't care" or he claims it is because he is "right"... .I am just trying to not let this explode... .but it's too late he has already erupted and I just do not know what to do.

I cannot validate any of the irrational things he is accusing me of doing/thinking feeling and I believe his feelings towards my homework assignment are WAY irrational. So I cannot even... yes I have lost my ability to even.

I would like to know what I can do when they do not LET you just not respond. He also does not let me leave. I am starting to consider leaving permanently. The bad is way outweighing the good.

-insert frowny face here

I deal with this often.

First, not responding is the core of ":)on't JADE" (Justify Attack Defend Engage) and it is a valuable tool that can occasionally help prevent or defuse a BPD episode. It's not a magic hammer, it's just a good mindset. But it does have it's drawbacks, particularly when an aggressive pwBPD is focused on you as the problem and is on the attack with buckets of black paint. Then you are forced to Engage - but not forced to Justify, Attack, or Defend. Don't do those, and be very careful with the Engagement.

What I do is make factual & empathetic observations, usually concerning emotional state, and boundary statements:

"I understand that you are very upset and want to fight. I do not want to fight."

I also ask pointed questions about their emotional state: "Are you hurt or are you angry?" "What is this surge of emotion coming from?"

When they hurl the imaginative but awful accusations and demand answers, ignore their content and reply with boundaries, "I'm not participating in this conversation if you want to fight."

Acting lessons: a calm voice pitched with concern (but not patronizing!) is of tantamount importance. They pick up on the subtle signals of body language of how upset you really are and of course interpret them horribly. If you can show them enough empathy you'll be painted white again and patiently endure listening to them rail about other targets (usually your family and friends but sometimes their family and friends and complete strangers). Do not let your guard down, your turn as target will come again, be ready with empathy.


This is kinda serious. If you are in danger you need an escape plan. Take care of yourself.



Sunshine, this is a core life choice that we all have to make over and over again as the BPD rollercoaster goes up and down. Did you read Ziniztar's heart-breaking "I ended it" thread in this Staying & Improving section? She realized that her own issues were preventing her from being able to Stay & Improve. In your case, like mine, you're seeing escalating-rage episodes focused on you that are very hard to deal with. If you cannot develop some strategies to defuse and/or deal with the BPD outbursts then by default you'll be making them worse. I did that for YEARS before I stumbled across the true nature of this disorder. Now I see that knowing about it and having tools to deal with the behaviors makes it possible to Stay & Improve.

I recommend work on boundaries (especially your right to leave!), and validation to try and defuse these episodes, however it may be that permanently leaving could end up being your escape plan.

HOLY Mono no aware- that was good advice and I need to save that post somewhere.

I might actually print it all out and put it on poster board in my office.

I think you may have actually posted that for me.

Sunshine, you can do this!  I am in the very exact same position as you when you said you can't even... .even!... I actually LOL'd because that is me.  I do go into a loop of explanation with my uBPDh, and then I hit a point where I can't even... .even, and I know what I need to do... .and, it is : follow Mono no aware's advice.

My husband and I had a discussion about trust.  He stated that he trusted me 100% and continues to tell me this. Then, one day I made the mistake of being on my computer (online shoe shopping) for a little bit too long, and I got the gears.  The geeeeears, and in a completely condescending way

ie "what's so important on there"  I turn my computer around and say "just shoes"

(5 minutes later)

"you really like your computer lately, don't you". I look at him with compassion and care and say "I see that it is bothering you that i am on my computer right now, is there something you would like to do with me instead", and I get "no, go ahead and surf the net and look at whatever you want to look at- nice hobby."

And then my blood boils. And then I feel bad for shoe shopping. And then I feel angry 'cause I should be able to shoe shop. And then I feel angriER because I gave him the opportunity to suggest something that involves the both of us and he sarcastically declines

I KNOW how you feel

Lose, lose, right?

It's not though... .there is a lot you can do to if you really want this relationship. I have waivered (sometimes daily) as to whether I can do this or not for the rest of my life.  There is so much you can do to take care of yourself and work on this if you really want it.

And, please do as Mono No Aware has suggested and keep yourself safe if he is not letting you leave (physically) That is not cool.

Not reacting to the words and accusations is good. Not reacting at all is bad, as that is seen as a "challange" to them, and ignoring them, devaluing them. So they up the anti to get a reaction.

It is ok to respond, but not react to the words and accusations. This is often best achieved by asking questions, rather than defending your actions or providing explanations.

However, no matter what you do, there is a point of failure and you need to preplan an "out' plan for when this happens.

If you are physically prevented from leaving then that is crossing a boundary, and you leave at the earliest opportunity even if that is the next morning rather than at that moment. Otherwise he will learn that it is a viable way of controlling you.

I'm glad you liked it. It's really hard to follow. I had some limited success last night with making it a point to Engage my moody uBPDw ask her pointed questions. Holy crap it was hard to not Justify & Defend the crap she started slinging at me - but in the end I managed to gain enough trust to prevent a big blow-up and we both slept well!

~~~~~~

Sunshine how's it going?

Life would be so much easier if we could just disconnect our reactive emotions at times. It is hard to do.

Just blocking them is not effective as it just builds up.

I like this bit, it is deflecting the personal aspect of it, rather than fighting it.

Which is acceptance of the way it is. Its going to happen so adapting how you react to minimize how you allow it to affect you.

Pretty well sums up the philosophy we have here. Dont stand in the path of an avalanche when you can step aside.