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Ever since the suicidal incident last week, I have had negative dreams (can't remember what specifically they were about, but bad dreams are rare for me), woken up several times at 4-5 am and unable to return to sleep because of high anxiety.  Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I kept having little mini dreams or visions of her either trying to kill herself or hurt herself.  For example, I would be laying mostly relaxed and suddenly I would have a vision of her with a gun in her mouth.  And I would jerk myself awake in shock, then relax for a few minutes, then another vision.  This has been happening during the day, too, where I am trying to focus on my job or something else, and suddenly I will have some kind of negative thought or worry and just zone out.  I was travelling for work yesterday, and noticed I was zoning out when driving.  Scary.

Anyone else experience this?  I have a T appointment tomorrow and I plan on discussing it.  I'm hoping it just goes away, but worried that it won't.

I am WITH YOU on this

I have awful thoughts about my uBPDh when I know he is home alone and going through a dysregulation... .I wonder what I will come home to sometimes. I spend days at work where I have no idea what I am working on and then I look at the clock and an hour has passed(good thing my employers don't give deadlines)

Yesterday, I did a very important interview with a candidate. It wasn't until half an hour in that I started listening to his responses. When I called my superior to answer questions regarding the first half of the interview, I told him that I had to be honest and couldn't remember why the guy hasn't been employed for the last year. 

I realized that I had been playing situations and conversations over and over in my head.

These relationships just affect us in ways that put us on autopilot. Hearts sometimes precede our thoughts.  Good thing it wasn't your first drive... .

I don't think it's abnormal

And the dreams, yep, they happen too- usually present themselves in the format of my biggest fears(infidelity and him). He's usually wandering off with someone else, disappearing into darkness.

I wake up and give my head a shake, try and overdo the kindness and SET on those days, and they usually turn out to be our best days.

That sounds really scary, Max. I'm sorry to hear that. I can't relate on the suicide level, but I do have anxiety dreams (akin to showing up to school naked, etc.) where my husband leaves me. I've been having them for a few years now, and am trying to see if there is a pattern, but so far, nothing specific.

I hope you can get some rest soon!

Last evening things were "better" - as in no specific or discernible visions or nightmares, but the general numb negative vibe was still in my head.  But a new thing I noticed - she wanted to cuddle with me in bed, and I felt anxiety over being touched.  I wanted to just curl up into a ball on my own someplace, and she wanted to touch me.  And when she held onto me, I had overwhelming anxiety and urges to just break free.  I don't think it is just her - I just don't feel like wanting anyone to touch me right now.  Again, this is completely new for me. 

This morning she wanted to have sex.  I was not in the mood, but thought that perhaps it could help me break from this anxiety of being touched and help squash those images of her hurting herself.  I tried, and just could not get here.  My brain was just overrunning with negative thoughts, depression, and fear.  I eventually told her that it's just not happening for me right then because I had too much anxiety. She then started breaking down and saying things like "because you don't really love me and don't want to marry me... ."  I stopped her and told her the truth - that ever since last week my mind races with morbid images of her hurting herself, and I just can't mentally get in the right place, and that I am going to therapy today and I will talk about it and try and figure out what is going on.  She then started crying, saying she ruined me, how she has hurt me so much, how I am too good for her, how she promises to try harder and to never hurt herself.  I reassured her that I still want to marry her and be with her, but right now I just need time to figure things out.

Very interesting. I was about to post something similar.

My dBPDw and I have been separated for over a year. I never dreamed anything about her until about a month ago. I had one dream where we were together in a strange city. She jumped on a bike and disappeared down a street after telling me she left me a note in my backyard somewhere. I assumed it was a letter telling me where she was going. I went home to find it and it turns out my older sister found it and wouldn't give it to me. I woke up extremely angry at my sister and distressed because I didn't know where my wife went.

I also dreamed we were in church (which is weird because we are atheists) and we were together in this dream as well. However, my brother-in-law, who is a preacher, came and sat between my wife and I and wouldn't let us talk or anything. After we left church, he did the same thing in the car. He wouldn't let us communicate in any way. I woke up really, really angry.

The reason I was going to post this was because I had another dream about her this morning. It was one of those dreams one doesn't remember details so I don't know what it was about. I just know I woke up knowing I dreamed about her. Apparently it wasn't anything bad.

It sure is a weird turn when you (as the non, the strong, stable, grounded one) actually find yourself as the one who has feelings too powerful to ignore. And then your partner has to directly do something to cope with your feelings... .for the first time in the r/s.