|
Title: How do I take a "timeout" when physically prevented from doing so? Post by: frizz on October 29, 2014, 06:50:27 PM Title basically says it. I have set a boundary when it comes to the catch-22 style questioning/circular arguments/pointless debate, so I will no longer participate. Unfortunately, that's hard to do -- retreating to my bedroom has resulted in damage to the property (she busted down the door), and she'll block my exit when I try to leave the house or run screaming after me out the door and to my car (how embarrassing!)
So, what do I do? Title: Re: How do I take a "timeout" when physically prevented from doing so? Post by: amazingcharis on October 29, 2014, 10:04:18 PM Hi frizz. When you're sensing that tensions are rising and you need to disengage for your emotional well-being and for hers, it's so important to take those time-outs to keep things from getting worse. How you go about that (what you say and how you say it and what you do and how you do it) is very important. I'd encourage you to read Tools: How to Take a Time Out. An easy way find it is just to put that in the search on this site.
Initially, I didn't find trying to take a time out by going into another room very helpful. Not only didn't my BPDh cooperate with my needing that time and space away within our home, but I really felt a need to get completely away from the house at those times. I would tell my husband in a calm voice that I needed to take some time away (and I mentioned how long--a few minutes/an hour/two hours/etc.) while our emotions calmed down and we could talk later. My husband did some of the same things your wife has done. Once when I managed to get past his blocking my way out the door, he ran out of the house yelling at me and threw himself on the hood of the car while I was driving away. That was pretty scary since I didn't see what he was doing until he landed on the hood. Sometimes I had to drive away someplace; but when my husband didn't try to follow me, I often just went out for a long walk. It took quite awhile before my husband's reactions to my taking time-outs didn't throw him into histrionics, but he did eventually get there and I didn't back down on my boundary. It got worse before it got better, so you may have to persevere and be lovingly consistent for quite awhile. Now I mostly take time outs within our home; and although it's obvious that my husband doesn't like it and doesn't agree with it, he no longer tries to prevent or interfere with it. I'm glad you've found BPD Family. You're not alone in the midst of all the craziness. There are a lot of good resources here and I'd encourage you to read the lessons, workshops, articles, recommendations for books, etc. There are also a lot of people here to act as a sounding board and to encourage you in your journey. Title: Re: How do I take a "timeout" when physically prevented from doing so? Post by: frizz on October 29, 2014, 10:46:46 PM I am quickly discovering the mood of this place is downright warm. I appreciate that so much.
What you said about a time frame seems useful -- she usually panics, and knowing that I will be back and when I'll be back would likely put her more at ease. I know standing up and walking off is a major trigger, especially when she's already lost her cool, so the calm announcement about exactly what she can expect to happen might help a lot. My post sounds terrible, I know, and from an outside perspective, it totally is. What you describe sounds terrible, too. Throwing himself on your car? That would scare the heck out of me. I know this is part of the "extinction burst" bit, and I have been able to excuse myself a couple times since then with somewhat less explodies. Still, I also know this doesn't go away, and I want to be more prepared next time. Also, honestly, I had to vent. Until I've got the funds for therapy myself, y'all are my support system :-) Title: Re: How do I take a "timeout" when physically prevented from doing so? Post by: Yaffle on October 30, 2014, 03:48:44 AM That's good to read. I'm in a similar situation where I get followed everywhere once it kicks off. I've just started saying to her that I'm not participating in the conversation anymore and think I'll perservere with that even though I can usually hear 'Thats it just storm off and sulk as usual' coming from the other room.
Title: Re: How do I take a "timeout" when physically prevented from doing so? Post by: waverider on October 30, 2014, 05:42:22 AM Timeout initially will invariably meaning leaving the premises, as they "wont allow it" otherwise. Once you have established timeout then they will more readily accept you removing yourself to another room, in preference to leaving altogether.
When first establishing this boundary you will get extinction bursts, that is extreme reaction in order to force you to backdown. This may include very destructive behavior The biggest mistake we make is leave it too late, until emotions, including your own, are running high. It is important to make it clear it is temporary time out and you will be back within a certain time frame. This will less abandonment escalations. |