BPDFamily.com

When I look back to the end of my relationship with my ex fiancee, there is one issue which has really bugged me.

When I found out about her lying, cheating and humiliating me, she saw the agony and pain I suffered, but never apologise for putting me through this. Her lack of remorse and coldness was frightening. She just simply did not care.

We have limited contact due to our son, which is hard at times because sometimes the 'Nice her' comes out and the good memories starts flooding back. Then, I remember the 'monster' she became, and the sadness returns.

Are they aware of the pain and hurt they cause, or are they just too wrapped up in their own warped little minds?

Heartbroken,

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. I honestly don't think my exfiance could even go within 100 miles of the shame of the destruction she has caused in our r/s, or others. She seemed more like the Waif type. I didn't see it as much until near the end when she was just barely functioning for no apparent external reason and just threw away our relationship (from my point of view). I think it could be a lot of things and depend on the situation. PwBPDs tend to react strongly to any feelings and feelings are reality. In the moment when they split themselves black then they are worthless and pure evil. So avoidance is the name of the game. For as close as my exfiance seemed to be to me, I doubt I'll ever see or hear from her again. It's been several years, and it really did used to bother me. Now I'm more thankful that I don't have to deal with the drama any more. I feel compassion for her and hope things get better for her one day, but I've accepted the fact that it just may not happen. Some things are just out of your hands, and it's best to find greener pastures.

I wish you the best as you maintain limited contact with her. I can only imagine what it's like and that it's more difficult to detach completely. My exfiance has a toddler who was just 1 y/o when we were dating. I haven't seen her daughter in years, and may never see her. It's something I've had to wrestle with and more or less come to peace with. At least her father is able to see her. Since I don't have any biological claim I'm just gone. Lessons learned.

The short answer to your question is that no they are generally not aware of the pain and hurt they cause, in fact they believe that they are the victim of your endless torture and hostile actions.  Even if they do acknowledge their actions, they will say that is justified because of the nons actions.

Why would they say they are sorry for something that gives them great joy to create. Emotional pain. It makes them feel quite powerful. There is nothing to apologize for is there? They have power and control. I have seen the satisfaction on my pwBPD'S a face as she is acting out with her new supply in front of me for the express reason of causing ME emotional pain... .and she was gleefully loving it.  She was very AWARE of EXACTLY what she was doing... .as a matter of fact ... it was a planned event by the two of them!  So sick and immature... .but very effective...       

That is my experience... .I really just was dumbfounded the first time it happened. (It happened many times). This was a person that I care for deeply, made a home with, loved her family etc... etc... .

... .and then to act like that ... .it was just mind-boggling.

The disorder makes you pretend to forget you lied about something you're denying. The disorder makes you lie about something you forgot while denying you're pretending. The disorder makes you deny you're forgetting to lie, and etc. Which basically boils down to it's not being taken care of well.

Mine says that he is sorry all of the time. He apologizes about everything. However, those apologies are friggin' meaningless because they have not led to him changing his behavior. He can apologize for cutting me off in a conversation and then turn right around and do it again in the next sentence. In my case, I would rather not have an apology at all because I know it is all a bunch of BS.

Instead of apologizing, I would like it if he would act like he was bothered by it or felt something. Mine is/was excellent at telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. However, his actions don't change.

Ditto. She was a master manipulator.

Because they cant even identify the pain that they cause themselves objectively only feel and express the inner turmoil it causes them. 

My ex gf tried to appeal to my sense of reason. For me and probably most of us, part of what keeps us in these relationships is a sense of human-ness. We are all human, we are all fallible, we all do make mistakes, no one is perfect. We want to forgive - it's a way of showing our love.

Unfortunately my exBPDgf wanted to use this sense of human-ness as ongoing justification for hurtful behaviour.

When I tried to talk to her about a bunch of serious behavioural issues that were significantly impacting on our relationship, there was no sorry. No apology. No empathy. No responsibility for her behaviours. She said she was only human and of course she makes mistakes, and of course she will continue to do so in the future.

In some small way that justification does make sense, and I agree. Yes we do all make mistakes and yes, we will all continue to make mistakes through our life.

What is important however is that people take responsibility for their actions, that they don't keep making those same 'mistakes', or expect they can keep making them and the slate is wiped clean each time, setting ourselves up to continue to accept bad behaviour in an ongoing way. We try to understand what made us do what we did, explain that to our loved ones, apologise, and then work on/understand how we can try not to do that again. When serious behavioural impacts cause harm to our partners, that is not a mistake, that is a serious behavioural issue that needs to be properly addressed, not simply a mistake.

For me, a mistake is something small. A small indiscretion.

I don't consider being screamed at, or berated, constantly being told I'm wrong, or the lack of respect as mere 'mistakes'. These are not mistakes but ongoing, hurtful behaviours. I got an apology once during our whole time together - she had been out drinking and told me she would be around in 30 mintues. Six hours later there had still been no contact from her. She said she just took herself home to bed. She did apologise and when I tried to say that behaviour was not acceptable and was disrespectful, of course then I was being hurtful. I did acknowledge the apology though. That was a big step.

You cannot keep engaging in hurtful behaviour and simply label that a 'mistake', and expect the reset button to be pressed every time, especially if there is no apology forthcoming, or if when the issue is approached there is refusal to engage in discussion and the issue is dismissed. If you make a 'mistake', then you need to be prepared to identify it as such, own it by taking responsibility for the consequence of that, apologise, and then understand what you can do to prevent that happening in future.

Don't let the 'humane-ness' / mistake / forgiveness justification make it acceptable for hurtful behaviour to continue. I can forgive 'mistakes', but leaving myself open to be a continual punching bag on the basis of 'it was a mistake' is not very healthy.

Mine was so hurt by what she did to me and my kids... .that she... .wait for it, dumped me via text, got with a new supply 2 days later and blamed me for everything. Yep, thanks for playing.

I cant even begin to tell you how jacked up I am from this. Cant really express it.

This reminds me of something mine said the other day. I was trying to communicate to him how much he has hurt me. His response was something along the lines of, "I know how much I have hurt you. That is why I am not going to keep you here or do anything to stop you from doing whatever you want." It was basically a cop out and an excuse to not do anything different. I felt like it was him trying to play the part of the martyr/good guy.

Mine kind of turned the tables on this theme. When she was breaking up with me, I was asking her what we needed to do to work things out. Her reply, "Oh that's ok, you shouldn't have to change who you are". The truth is that she wanted me gone ASAP due to her not wanting me to find out what she was doing behind my back. Little did she know that I already knew. Now she won't even talk to me because of what she did and none of her lies add up. If we were to sit down and talk, she would have a melt down of epic proportions, lol.

When i tried to win her back, i told her i was in counseling and we should work on it. She said save it for my next girlfriend... .wow

I keep asking myself why I wanted to be with somebody that was clearly checked out of the relationship and did not have the same values as me. Why did I put up with that for so long? If my husband were to ask me what he could do to save the relationship or work things out, I would probably tell him, "Not a single damned thing! You have been given 16.5 years worth of chances. If you think that I am stupid enough to believe that this time is going to be the time that you really do change, then you can go ahead and live in your little dream world all by yourself."

"The truth is that she wanted me gone ASAP due to her not wanting me to find out what she was doing behind my back."

Yes... .EXACTLY.

"The truth is that she wanted me gone ASAP due to her not wanting me to find out what she was doing behind my back."

Yes... .EXACTLY.  These people are  all so self-centered they are revolting.

I recently got a lot of sorry's from mine - Im sorry I did this and did that, im sorry for saying this and not saying that, i'm etc. Having digested all this I came to realise that it was all about her again. Im this and im that. Not once did she say "I am truly sorry for hurting you, using you, abusing you. Im sorry for ripping your life to pieces... ." To me there is a big difference. Its acknowledgement of their damage to us that you will not get.

my ex repeatedly said he didn't do anything wrong. he could justify everything - his rages? i "made him mad" (not sure how, as i was always blindsided by his anger). his cheating? again, i made him mad OR his ex wanted to be with him "one last time" - he actually said this as if it made it okay?   

after all his lies, cheating and rages, he started a smear campaign against me - as if i was somehow to blame for our breakup. THEN, he had the nerve to tell me, "no matter what you do to me, a little piece of me will always care." 

what a mind ___.