BPDFamily.com

I'm usually on the "Staying" board. I've been with my dBPDbf for eight years, apparently "forcing" him to date me. I recently moved into a one-room studio apartment, a step up from living with roommates. Mid-July, my best friend of thirty years unexpectedly completed suicide and I don't think I'm particularly over it. The week of his memorial, my dBPDbf of eight years was kicked out of his apartment and moved into his parent's house in the suburbs.

Neither of us have cars, so he's been staying with me every two weeks. This has been mostly a total disaster. He comes here directly from staying with his parents (whom he hates) and verbally attacks me almost right after he walks though the door, if not in the middle of the night, leaving me sleep-deprived. After I told him I was considering ending the relationship, he seemed to improve for a month. He hasn't been gambling when he stays with me (he pathologically bets on horses) and has been meeting with his bandmate before seeing me to defuse the transition from his parents house... .all his ideas. He's insisted on taking measures to prevent fights while I'm more worried about what to do when they inevitably happen. He kept saying I need to "disengage... .no matter what I say, disengage. Don't respond."

For the past four days, we've managed to quell tiny disagreements. I was so excited to say we'd actually worked together to make it through his visit without a fight. Of course, he blew up at me last night (over a cat toy - wait - my "forcing him" to have sex - wait - because "forced him" into a conversation about lentil soup - wait - because I've been "forcing him" to date me for eight years... .actually, he still hasn't been able to articulate what I actually did).

His insults have gotten increasingly below-the-belt, but I refused to engage. I repeated, "we agreed I should step out of the conversation" until he fell asleep. The next morning, he immediately attacked me for refusing to have the discussion... .exactly what we agreed upon! I don't know where to go from here. I live in a one-room apartment and, when he verbally attacks me, it's like I'm held hostage. In the past three months, he's come up with the worst insults in our entire relationship; about my weight (when he knows how hard I've been working to take care of a rapid, unexplained weight gain), my job, how I'm not artistic (I am... .but I have to work a day job while he lives off disability), my dead friend, my feeling lonely because I live alone.

I've been crying all day after being told how easily he'll replace me - I'm just "expired milk." I refused to engage in name-calling and, though he "broke up" with me, he does so every.single.time we disagree about anything. I wanted to talk to him tonight - if we were breaking up, I wanted to do so in an amicable, reasonable way - and he's refusing to speak to me. He's already tried to find some way to hold me accountable for him blowing up, come up with straws, and "needs to do some thinking." And now, while I've refused to engage, held my tongue when he hurled insults, and still asked that we speak calmly, and I'm getting the silent treatment. I'm being punished!

This was supposed to be a post about weighing the pros and cons of this relationship - whether housing logistics were worth breaking up, even if there's no other choice - but now he's got the upper hand again. I've told him how bad it hurts when he ignores me (God forbid if I were to do the same!) and now it feels like he intentionally uses it to hurt me instead of owning up to his actions. I don't know what to do - he sabotaged the past 48 hours and it's going to continue indefinitely. How am I supposed to evaluate this relationship when he's executing the kind of psychological abuse he knows messes with my head the most?

Wow, that was really long. I was just trying to write a letter to my dBPDbf and I think it ended up here!

TL,DR: Housing circumstances resulting in being unable to defuse fights, fights getting increasing more below-the-belt, trying to figure out if and how to end/alter an eight-year relationship but disturbed by boyfriend throwing a tantrum and giving me the silent treatment to drive me crazy and take focus away from his one-sided verbal attack.

Sorry!