BPDFamily.com

As I read about the disease and piece together the circumstances that turned my life upside-down, isn't it possible that several BPD traits can be attributed to other issues?

I'm not trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, I'm not giving her the benefit of the doubt, and I'm certainly not in denial over all of this. I'm just wondering if in some cases if bad life experiences can create issues that mimic true BPD. After all, there hasn't been a professional diagnosis in my case

For for example:

1. A push-pull relationship could simply be a commitment phobia brought on by bad past relationships and/or emotional unavailability

2. Fear of abandonment could be PTSD triggered by an ex husband leaving her for another woman (which is true in my case)

3. Risk-taking could be a result of occasional binge drinking and blamed on blowing off steam and stress (again, true in my case)

4. A lack of empathy and the fact that she just met a new guy and walked away from me, chalked up as simply immaturity and selfishness?

I did begin to act very needy and clingy when she started playing games. The more she pulled away, the more I pursued. In relationships with healthy people this is reason enough for someone to lose interest, play games, devalue, and discard you. I'm trying to understand if this is my reality and if so, what I need to do to improve myself so it doesn't happen again.

So much of this forum is geared towards (for lack of a better term) blaming them for their disease by saying it's them not you. But how can I be sure they have the disease? how can I be sure it was not me?

I want to improve myself and make sure this never happens again. And if it is me and not her (or a combination of both of us), I certainly would welcome any insight on how to improve myself and get her back in my life. Over the past 6 weeks nobody has been able to help me with this issue, and it's certainly not for a lack of trying. She's constantly on my mind and I'm haunted by how easily she walked off with another guy after a year with me.

Your at the right starting point.

Yes, her issues could have been acute and not BPD traits at all - or it could have been a laundry list of other things.  When we encounter high conflict or destructive relationship behaviors it is important for us to know that the problems can be caused by a broad range of things that look a lot a like:

    immaturity,

    short term mental illness (e.g., depression),

    substance induced illness (e.g., alcoholism),

    a mood disorder (e.g., bipolar),

    an anxiety disorder (e.g., PTSD),

    a personality disorder (e.g., BPD, NPD, 8 others),

    a neurodevelopmental disorder (e.g., ADHD, Aspergers), or

    any combination of the above (i.e., co-morbidity).

How often is "any combination of the above?"   In an NIH study of 34,653 people*, of those that had clinical BPD,

    74% had another personalty disorder,

    75% also had a mood disorder, and

    74% also had an anxiety disorder.

*Laboratory of Epidemiology and Biometry, National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, MD

It often takes a professional a lot of time to sort through this - it will likely take you time, too.

And then there is you.  What did you contribute?  And yes, clingy codependent behavior contributes to bad relationship dynamics... .maybe even her loss of interest.

The way I sorted this was to profile her part - what was pathologic, what was normal relationship conflict, and what was driving her.  I then turned those investigation skills on myself - polled my own inner critic.

It took many months and a few one-way alleys before I started putting my hands on it.

Have you read this?  See yourself in any of it?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Yes, I do see much of this in this. Strangely it's only been with her though. I cannot say that I have taken on this role with anyone else. I guess her PD or whatever she has (she is diagnosed with ADD) has brought this out in me.

I also think about it... .I'm doing my tasks on personal inventory too... .actually I'm torturing myself about it a bit. But, what really bug me is: if it's not even BPD, why I am still hurting so much?

Reading other people's stories – and member 2010 posts – had helped me so much.

Skip, I have looked for your posts and I wonder what your story was... .Is it possible to read it somewhere? It seems like you had completely overcome the trauma, it would be helpful to read about your journey.