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As you guys know, today is Halloween and it's my exBPDgf's favorite holiday. I know she's probably at some party with my replacement and it's killing me. I keep thinking it should be me with her. Instead I'm home alone thinking about the fun she's probably having without me. I guess another reason I'm having a bad day is because of some things she said to me during her devaluation. She said that I'm boring at it really hurts... .i think she's right  :'(

Halloween was a time of year my ex and I also shared. We had a lot of fun, made plans, took photos, went out. Spent time together that to me didn't feel forced. Like we got to play for awhile. We made love wearing costumes, which was thrilling at the time, and not regrettable, but I sure see it differently in some ways now. One year, it seemed like the best Halloween ever. We both seemed completely into it. Enjoying it! The way she told her version later was that it was ruined because of my bad attitude. I'm sitting by myself tonight, and believe me, I kind of wish I could go back to that Halloween night instead, even knowing what I know now, because it was so incredible to me. Our exes might be out tonight with someone else, and having fun, but it's all in how you see it. They don't really have much fun, they're on the run. Maybe they can't even recognize themselves anymore, getting lost behind the mask. BTW, you're not her projections, OK?

I had some very good times with my ex BPD.  But they are far outweighed by the bad times and pain she put me through.  So sitting at home alone is not to bad. I know there will be no abuse.

They may be having fun or they may not. Peiper raises a good point. Sometimes I recall  her dissociative phases when we lived together and I absolutely don't miss that  *) I like peace, quiet in my house without all of her acting out. I don't dread walking through the door not knowing if if I'm going to step on a landmine that minute or not.

BlackandBlue, I'm sorry about the awful things she said during her devaluation phase. It hurts and she had absolutely nothing good to say. Her insecurities were triggered. She wasn't feeling good and was objectifying you.

It helps to remember the bad times when we reminisce and I don't think it's a stretch to say the bad outweighed the good for the leaving board?

You're not all bad right? You have good qualities. What are they?

I know that me starting a topic about this is useless... .i needed to talk... .i don't have much in the way of support other than my therapist. At times I think I'm making progress in detaching but I think I'm kinda stuck at the same time. She's on my mind constantly. As far as her pprojections and devaluing comments go, I have terribly low self esteem and when she was devaluing me she knew exactly what to say to hurt inflict a great deal of pain ... .total cheap shots. Yes, there are good qualities about me but sometimes I forget them. She used to like them but ended up changing her mind on me and hating them.

I get it. She knew what buttons to push.

Blackandblue

To get over this, you need to stop dwelling on the past and accept that your BPDex has moved on. No amount of self-torture will make you feel better. Quite the contrary.

See the relationship for what it REALLY was, then find someone who values you for who you are and treats you well.  That is what you deserve.

Take the time to heal first, and then look to the future... .the past needs to stay in the past. 

Yep... .took advantage of it too. Really hurtful stuff. I'm 10 years older than her (I'm 35) and i was always worried that she would get bored with me cause I'm not a partier... .i don't even drink. She told would tell me I'm not b I boring and I'm a positive influence on her. Now that she's gone I hear she's been living it up and drinking a lot... .i guess over compensating for the time spent with me.

I know, I know... .i just don't know how. Believe me I don't want her on my mind constantly... .i want to let go. I am in therapy (cbt and emdr) and it helps a little.

Dont know if it will make you feel better, but A LOT of times during my rs with dBPDexbf I thought: "JEEZ I wish I had a calm boring life!" What I meant was stable... .So take it as a compliment. Maybe you were just too stable, something I as a 34 year old woman really apreciate in a person! On another note... .They need to devalue us to make themselves feel better. They need to bring us down, so what that says is that we're actually "above" them.

My ex also knew exactly what buttons to push and hurt me where it hurt most. Low blows all over the place. I also have a hard time letting that go and stop ruminating if there could be truth in it.

But I am what I am. I am a damn good person and I shall overcome!

Sorry you're hurting... .Time will heal... .

Been 2 months since my b/u. Halloween was a trigger because we would blend both families (her 5, my 2) and go out trick or treating,  fun family time. I miss it. But i dont need her chaos anymore. At times im sad, at times i miss her and the kids. Realization hits that i didnt mean anything to her. At all. Days after breakup, new guy. I meant that much to her. That is the roughest part. The part I have the hardest time with. I was a quick fix to her problem at the time (separation/divorce). Hurts very badly.

Thank you very much recooperating that made me feel better. My ex came from an unstable family and her adult life has certainly been unstable too. My T told me something similar.  She said that stability might feel too uncomfortable for her because of her history. I think I'll be OK eventually. Fall and Halloween have been a big trigger for me.

Last year on halloween me and my exBPDgf went trick or treating. this year she is out at some halloween party having fun and I am stuck at my grandmothers house with my family. Thats the story of my life right now. She is out having a blast and I am stuck at my grandmothers house putting my life together after she shattered it.

It sucks but hey at least there is no drama, screaming, anger, walking on eggshells, depression, irrationality, fights, or BPD behavior in general. I feel alone, sad, and hurt but for the first time since I met her I feel at peace, calm, and relieved I don't have to go through all that any more.

Right now they are having a really good time, until something happens (i.e. a relationship, obstacle, drama) and than they go DOWN really quickly. So I would rather be by myself and work on myself than share the tremendous ups and downs. Its just not healthy

Today is the toughest day so far.

I miss him so much and all of our memories together keep flooding my head.

He's out having a blast and I can't seem to pick up the pieces and put them back together.

All I want is an acknowledgement that we mattered, that our relationship mattered. I suppose it's something I may never get.

It feels like my heart is breaking and I just don't know what to do.

We have all been there and are in various stages of this. Im only 2 months out, while I feel better, its a process. Im still gunshy going out, but i have. I still miss her and her kids, but im thankful to not have the chaos anymore. I love her still, but i know she didnt love or cherish me as I did her. I will never get closure or any kind of acknowledgement of our time together. I have to be cool with it because it wont happen.Its like withdrawl from a drug. Plain and simple. We were adicted. And it was abusive.

I keep wondering if there was anything I could've done differently?

He always came back. This time he's done. I can't wrap my head around it. How did he leave? After he lied and cheated! I didn't deserve that without so much as an explanation.

Second guessing is common. I still do it. But i think you answered your question: You didnt deserve it. Plain and simple. None of us did.

I was the quick fix to my ex's problem too. She was married and separated in less than a year (one of many red flags I ignored). Right around the time when the divorce became final she decided to leave me. It's sad because I thought I was special but I guess I wasnt.

Hang in there B&B you are better off without someone who was treating you that way.  

I had to work on my self esteem big time, too.

My ex tuning off with a younger muscle head was rough on mei

I got into T  and joined a self-help group.  I also got to mentor a little boy who I really learned to love and encourage and build his confidence and self esteem... .I really, really cared for this kid and one day I just realized that I have to talk to myself the same way that I talk to little James! With love and respect. Giving to that little boy showed me how to love myself! It was an amazing experience.

My T says to build self esteem do esteemable acts. Helping others is a GREAT place to start?

My ex said some viciously horrible things to me when she ran off, too... but with time and a little work you can overcome that abuse and feel good about you... .whether you are by yourself or in a relationship. Hang in there and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

me too infared. 16 months with her, both our sons friends, she coaches them. Loved her 5 kids and thought perhaps she loved mine (long story). Her 10 y/o has autism and i had a bond with him. Taught him to tie his shoes, got him into football where he thrived as a QB, discussed history with him, i so miss him. She never allowed me to say goodbye.  Still feel horrible about it.

Thank you everyone for posting... .i really appreciate it. Sometimes when I think about how much i need to work on I get even more depressed. I always knew I was bad... .but not this bad. This whole expirence just might be what I needed to get myself squared up though. I'm at rock bottom and I guess I have no other choice but to get squared up.

BlackandBlue

It takes two people to create a relationship, so stop blaming yourself.  You are not bad.

When dealing with BPD, chances are that nothing you did or did not do would have changed the outcome.  Accept the fact that you were not in control. The disorder was, and you cannot "fix" that.

Being angry and depressed is self-inflicted. When you accept what cannot be changed and learn to forgive,  you will be able to move on. 

Do not rely on someone else to make you happy.  That is your job.

I was told I had a calm and stabilizing effect in her life like never before. During devaluation I was told I was boring.

The fact is I was boring when I was with her because I was constantly trying to keep just one part of me for myself that I was not going to let her invade and control.

Her anti-depressant medication which she took to "take the edge off things" made her lethargic and her lack of energy or hangovers meant we couldn't do things on weekends. She was in fact more boring than me.

I remember what a girlfriend once told me and that is, "you are very likable, and you can see that in the way people respond to you". When I was with the ex uBPDw her friends never responded to me like that as the smear campaign had started even before I had met some of them.

The fact is that you are not boring. First thing is to walk down the street with your head held high and a spring in your step even if you don't feel it. Before too long you will be doing it without thinking.

Get out and make a life for yourself. The new guy will be where you are right now, just like the guy before you. It gets better as time goes on. You need to do some work too but it's all do-able.  Good luck.