BPDFamily.com

I texted my ex BPD GF and asked: Are you happy ?

She replied: I don't want to text anymore.

Did I go to a place that was off limits ?

A place that hurts ?

A place she doesn't know ?

Yes, I'm sure there are temporary moments of happiness... .but long term happiness... .?

I have learned so much about BPD and Abandoment. I know it all, I understand it all... .but at the end of the day... .it makes no sense.

It's so sad. So sad.

FYI... ... .I posted on this board instead of the failed board.

Sometimes the failed board is too negative. They may be correct but the negativity is draining sometimes.

She probably got angry at the question.

Which probably means she is not happy, but she does not want to tell it to you.

They always become angry at those dilemmas.

Validation helps in this situation ("You look unhappy", but through text it won't work.

I can only respond based on my experience with my uxBPDgf. I think she does experience happiness at times yet there is always an underlying sense of dissatisfaction and intense feelings of uncertainty. The strangest thing that I encountered was how much her mood changed and how she reacted to me. For example, when I saw her on weekends, she openly admitted to feeling sad starting a few hours before we parted on Sundays. Then the next day when she was in her office, she would ignore me. When I gave her space, she would text "what the heck? Are you alive? " as if it was my fault that I didn't light up her phone. Something in her mind, real or perceived set off a major change in mood and attitude towards me. So, to circle back to your question, yes they experience happiness but it's conditional and often times fleeting. It isn't like the happiness associated with an underlying sense of well being that most normal people feel.  I never felt that she consistently liked me... .Hence the term walking on eggshells... .Which turn into landmines once the devaluation period starts.

One time when my uBPD wife was upset about something (which I did, or not :)) she complains how unhappy she is to live with me.

I asked her "were you ever happy"?

She thought for a moment and then she said that the *thinks* she was happy in high school.

That was enough for me.

However sometimes she will be happy but more in the sense of childish happiness. As if happiness for her means to behave and act and feel like a child, only then she can truly feel happiness.

I am sure that with therapy that improves greatly, but I have no way to know.

Hi In Pain,

Your question(s) are interesting considering this is an "ex" you've texted, taking into account your user name --> In Pain.

If your relationship is over and she's seeing someone else, then yes, I'd say that you went to a place that was off limits asking her if she's happy.  In what context?

Is there more going on here, more text exchanges, or did you ask her if she's happy out of the blue?

In Pain, are you happy?

I do think that they can be happy. My dBPDw has showed many signs of being happy at many times within the last 5 years. She has said I'm happy, this makes me happy yada yada. When she is having her "episode" she explains she is empty and feels numb. In those times, it seems obvious that she is not happy but she is pulling out of this latest breakdown and is laughing and smiling at things that used to bring her happiness. I think she will always have that inner pull to her trying to drag her down but it is just whether or not she can overcome it and be happy.

They can, but not often, from what I've experienced. They seem to live in a very delusional, childish bubble and seek instant gratification with things, oblivious (and sometimes going to lengths to remain deliberately so) to the reality that life is not without stress, for anyone and that that instant gratification will wear off. As soon as the smallest thing breaks their bubble, they cannot cope and they become miserable.

It's a poor coping mechanism that sadly they've developed for whatever reason. My partner idealises situations, the future, to the point that when any bump in the road (ones that are normal to anyone else) arises, it's the end of the world. As a result, he is quite often stressed and miserable because living in that little bubble creates massive, massive expectations of what his life should be and it consumes him when he realises that this isn't yet a reality. That leads to worrying whether it ever will be, which creates more misery.

They apply it to many things - relationships as well. During the honeymoon phase, everything's perfect, so like a regular person, they idealise you and think everything about you is wonderful. Once it inevitably ends, non-BPs know that this is normal, accept it and know that it's time to deal with the next stage of the relationship. A BP however, has a real hard time adjusting and rationalising why the passion has lessened - that's what love is, right? Crazy, passionate love, all the time, every day? ":)oes he not love me anymore? Is he thinking of leaving me? Does he think he's made a mistake by being with me? He is not as perfect as I thought. Maybe this won't work. Maybe I should be with someone else". It's why they do not often have long-term relationships and jump from one to the next, either to recreate those feelings or to jump ship before they are left. That is of course, unless their fear of abandonment and being alone overwhelms it all.

Out of curiosity, what led you to contact your ex? Are you hoping for a recycle or was it just out of caring?