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My uxBPDgf devalued and dumped me for another guy 2 months ago after a 1 yr relationship. She is still seeing him and has not attempted to contact me at all. I'd like to win her back but I am unsure how whith a new guy in the picture. Any suggestions about what to say and when to say it would be great. My fear is that she will ice me and neve contact me again. Which makes me question whether or not she has BPD at all. Thanks

 Hello Craydar,

 I am sorry to hear that your SO left you.  What traits in your ex make you feel that she has BPD?  I think that it is important to think long and hard about what getting a pwBPD back means.  It will take great work and discipline if you even get her back and perfection on your part may still not be enough to keep her in your life.

 If she is not contacting you then I feel that the best thing to do is work on yourself with this time and give her space.  Hit tge gym, quit smoking, do things to make yourself healthier.  With her focused on someone new anything you do will likely push her further away.  If she becomes receptive to your company again then she will contact you in time.  Before this happens learn all that you can about BPD.  Learn how to validate and strengthen your communication skills.  Also learn how to self validate and stand on your own so that you can function during the low points of the BPD rollercoaster.

As a fellow person who wants to be back with my expwBPD back, I have to say what has at least kept her contacting me is my NOT initiating contact with her.  I have been attempting to move along as I have wasted last 7 months of my life crying, grieving, and inconsolable as I didn't see this coming so I am trying to start dating again and i am trying to not think about her.  It really does seem like she sort of has a sixth sense that once I make any strides in moving along emotionally, she contacts me.  Soo... .not knowing if she is coming back or not, I am trying to start living again, trying to concentrate on my needs instead of her, trying to just breathe again. I dint know if this helps but I hope so.  At least we all have and get each other.  That helps me... .thank you

This really stands out to me.  In the final months of my 26 month r/s with my dBPDexgf I was in a bad place.  I had given up and was basically a zombie.  I was not actively considering that BPD was at the root of the soul crushing treatment from my ex.  With better self care things might not have unravelled.  If I ever go back in to a r/s with her I will have to maintain myself.  The r/s really brought out the worst in me as I slowly gave up hope.

At least your ex BPD is contacting you. Mine wants nothing to do with me. As if she was embarrassed to have ever been associated with me.  It's impossible for me to accept that one day I'm the love of her life. Intimate, laughing together, and feeling so close. And together next its like we are strangers, people who have never met, or at worst enemies.  The "never contact her again and be happy" ploy is not the way to get revenge.  She will never know I am that way. She will never see me being happy. So what's the point in faking it? This is just my friends and family trying to make me feel better about myself by masking the truth. I'm not good enough for her and she found someone better. She is happy now and I'm in hell

 

This is precisely why you have to take a step back.  A borderline is a person that sits on the edge of neurosis and psychosis.  This isn't about her.  Right now she is gone.  This is about you.  You have to start working on yourself.  I know it is difficult (nearly impossible) to let go of the mind bending BPD experience.  All of us here were the center of a pwBPD's life, cherished beyond words.  Then without warning we were devalued and discarded (or we left).  You can't make sense of their madness.  It is mental illness hidden under a thin veneer of functioning.

 If you really want her in your life you have to fortify yourself, build you.   When you achieve that, she might notice.  The thing is, if she is idealizing a new person then nothing in this world will get her attention.  Use this time wisely so that when the day comes for another chance you are ready.  Becoming stronger might lead to meeting somebody that will make you forget all about BPD land.

  Take care of yourself!

This post has been especially helpful for me. Up until this time I was posting on the detaching forum since my ex also treats me like I never existed, actually worse. Like I am some kind of mirror of her shame.

It was pretty freaky how in some aspects my ex and I are really similar. I think this is the spookiest part of losing her from my life. Feeling like I lost a part of me in the process.

In the duration of the rs I had some flags pop up and also, got a bit bored and was worried that our future wasn't going to work out together. (of course I trusted that these things would change, but quite possibly I would have had to give up more than I wanted to)

Now 5 months out of the rs, when I practically made her break up with me. I can't tell you rationally why I acted the way I did, but even without BPD this might have scared a lot of girls away. So what was that force, that was making me do all of this. After she was gone and I actually wanted to work on things, but at least understand what needed to be worked on. Only later did I realize that I was very much deeply "ingrained" with this person. Now I realize, that I have never had such a close connection with anyone in my whole life.

The reason I am saying this is because I have been messed up for the last 5 months. In the last month or two I have pretty much cried every day. There were some weeks when I was (in false hope of her seeing how great I am again pff.) doing better and started dating and things didn't seem so grim anymore.

I look at things objectively, my ex isn't hot by any means, she is as capable as a child. I know in my mind that she isn't for me. Maybe she feels this way too. Why is my heart still wanting to be with her, trust her and be close with her, when she acts like I am the devil. We happen to work together so LC is very necessary. If I hadn't seen her in a couple months, I think I would be much better now. So yes, it is much harder to move on if you are in constant contact with her. The thing is, and I learned the hard way, and I would also bet that I will try to talk to her in the near future so haven't really learned, that any time I hope for some kind of reaction or words out of her, or even a gesture or smile, I get the opposite of what I hoped for. So I know it is hard, but all there will be is pain. If she wanted to be with me now, let's be honest she would be. I probably would be a sucker for the waif once more.

But the lesson I learned and what this post has opened my eyes up to, is this: What seems the most logical explanation of why I feel chained to my ex, why I still feel like this is the worst feeling in the world is that, for me to feel happy without her means change for me. If I was back together with her, then my pain of missing her would go away. The pain of being betrayed and abandoned. So if we cannot let go of the person that broke our heart, there must be something wrong with us. I think I would have rather changed myself to win her back, than to change myself to become who I want to be. It is so hard to change things about ourselves, and I feel the full force of resistance. I need to be happy without my ex though. And wanting her back, just seems like me wanting to avoid the pain and suffering of becoming a better person, having a better life.

Speaking from experience, I was very considerate and sweet to her in the past few months. Yet she still keeps her distance from me. There is no winning with her, if I try to talk to her other than the normal run-ins, I get nowhere. The only thing that I got to accomplish in 4 months, is that I got her to tell me that "she met someone". From what I see though she was juggling between quite a few "Suckers". So still never contacts me, and all the times we talked, she never once asked how I was doing. I thought I can win her back, but in my ex there must be something wrong. I wish I could tell her that regular people, in fact, nobody in my life has acted the way you are. The more you avoid me and play games like this, the more I realize that you are manipulating without even realizing. Without being able to give an explanation to what you do and why.

So I'm not saying there is something wrong with my ex for not wanting me back, but that she painted me black and acts like a little girl. \

Trust me I want to help her, I feel like she needed me. But we need to set aside our feelings for them. This is the hardest for me to do since I am wired in such a way, that feelings often come before logic. But screw this, the only good things about my ex are the things that she mirrored from me. I need to keep telling myself this, she was the sweetest most scared and lost little child in the world.

I was thinking I could share what I have been doing in my situation.  My dBPDxgf left me in August.  We had been living together for two years previously.  She became heavily dysregulated and decided that she wished to move out.  I was heartbroken and confused about this sudden erratic behavior.  She had no actual plan on how she would move out.  She could only afford a place in the worst part of town.  I told her we need to handle things like adults, I don't want to see her on the streets and to take the time needed to find a safe home.  Basically the whole time I just was on a mission of damage control.  Our r/s was long gone but I still did not want to see her self destruct.

  Through out the last 3 months we have remained on speaking terms.  She had latched on to someone new and that seemed to stabalize her behavior.  I have been devastated by all this but resisted the urges to scold her, point out her crazy behavior or do anything malicious.  So she is still in my life but very distant.  I do not know if we will ever be close again. 

What I have done in my 3 months:

Fell completely apart

Reconnected with family and friends

Started seeing a therapist

Quit smoking

Began an exercise and gym life daily

Went on a couple dates and realized I was still attached to the x and quit dating

Learned all I can about BPD

Worked on my validation skill set

Now all these things were my ways to cope and start building a new life.  I have given my ex plenty of space and let her initiate most communication.  I think as time has passed the air has cleared a little.  We are finally able to communicate well again.  That is all I have managed in 3 months.  Who knows what happens next. I am not going to chase her.  So seeing as I am not giving chase, all I can really do is focus on me and slowly rebuild communication with her one baby step at a time.

I was kinda where you are even though she cheated. But the best thing she ever gave me was a bogus restraining order (actually it's the only thing she gave me), it gave me time to pull my head out. I wouldn't take her back now if she won the lottery. That RO gave me time to heal, look at the rs objectively and meet a nice healthy beautiful woman to be interested in. So give yourself a little time and don't panic.  Good luck

This is great advice.  While my uxBPDgf idealizes another, there is no way I will have a chance to get back into her life because her emotions are so strong towards this new person, for now. My dilemma is that being painted black is still an emotional response, albeit a negative one. Black can turn white anytime. What I am feeling (or not feeling) is indifference. Indifference is transparent, no black, no white just nothing. Indifference = invisible. And I do not work with her nor would we ever really bump into each other unless it was planned. How then do I contact her? what do I say? and when do I say at?