BPDFamily.com

My wife has BPD( so I was told by a councilor), we fight and argue a lot. I am so confused what's my fault  & not. I'm not sure what to do or where to turn to. I've got my own issues of addiction & guilt, but add that my the councilor I was seeing said that mostly i was not to blame.

NE_ waterboy

Hi NE_waterboy and  *welcome*

You are in the right place, and I totally understand what you are going through. It is called the Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG) that is common for us living with a person with BPD. Your story is a lot like mine. I, too, found out from our marriage counselor that my wife has BPD.

Is the counselor working with both you and your wife together? Did they share the diagnosis only with you? I can completely sympathize with what you must be feeling right now. I remember crying in my car after getting off the phone with my marriage counselor, thinking that my world had ended, that I had made a terrible mistake and my life was forfeit as a consequence. Of course, I have two small children that compounds the difficulty for me. Still, I can share that my life is not forfeit and as I slowly began to understand more about the illness, I actually am starting to feel a little better and a little more empowered in my relationship with my wife (baby steps to be sure).

I can only encourage you to begin to explore how you are feeling yourself and consider what you can do to help yourself feel better. Take time to be with your emotions, which can be tough and unpleasant. A good place to start is to begin reading the Lessons on the right of this page. And keep posting here. There are a lot of really wise, supportive folks who will listen and can help as you learn to manage your role in the dynamics with your wife. Things can improve, just from our own knowledge of how and decision to stop making things worse (often not by intent, more typically in self defense).

For now, be gentle with yourself, and do as many things as you can to help relieve your own internal stress. Going for walks, watch a funny movie, listening to music. You need some time to breathe and know that you are going to be okay. Hang in there. 

Welcome to the forum!

Here's the sticky thread in this section The Lessons

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

You must:

1) Before it can get better you have to stop making it worse. Read the Lessons for tools and strategies to avoid fights and build a better relationship. Validation, SET, Boundaries, Don't JADE, and more.

2) Take care of yourself! The common saying is "Put on your own oxygen mask first". You will need to take time out for yourself to recharge your batteries, and keep close to your friends and family for support on this difficult path. Keep your hobbies, keep your people.

Whatever nuttiness you've been through, we have too. Read some threads here and you'll see what I mean. We can survive this.