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Being on here I just remember how many rage episodes were calmed by my giving her a present or compliment. And want to know other peoples situations.

A big one was when around a year into us dating I bought her flowers and left them in my car. I was in Walmart waiting for her to be dropped off by one of her friends and when we went to the car I was going to give them to her. That was the plan at least. She comes into Walmart angry as ever yelling at me, I walk out of walmart to get ahold of myself. She makes a huge scene and after lots of fighting I show her the flowers I was going to give her and she stops raging and hugs me telling me she loves me.

That is not the only one, just one that stands out.

Nope, my ex was immune to any of that. If she was raging, it was time to either shut down and withdraw or get your feelings hurt. I usually walked on the egg shells to keep the peace.

Exactly. And apologize profusely... .then egg shell walking. Then end the evening with a kiss only to have her turn her cheek and say"mmm mmm, I have to like you again first". Im still so fu*ked up from that.

My dBPDw would do similar things. I would plan something and she would always ruin it because she would accuse me of not planning anything. I would end up having to take half a day's worth of being painted black or just go ahead and tell her what I was planning to stop the insanity. Of course, then she'd get upset at herself for spoiling it and then eventually turn it on me for going ahead and telling her. LOL.

Yep same here.  I gave her flowers a couple of times--had them sent to her work and her house.  The time I sent them to her work she didn't even ack receiving them and the house delivery was met with "these are really small you should get your money back" 

I gave her other gifts, but it made no difference. She would always make a sarcastic remark.  She is/was a huge Greenbay Packer fan so I gave her a couple of shirts and got "you don't have very good taste, they are not very feminine"... .Then after that comment I got "but it's the thought that counts"...    I never even bothered to try it after her rage because it never worked when she was in a half way decent mood... .lol

There was nothing to stop my ex's rages (which were generally days long ST).  He'd come out of it when he felt like it and nothing I did changed it.  Like Fred said, he was 'immune' to anything I said or did.  It was like he was made out of stone, cold, detached.

Never. The rage would last for a couple of hours or the night and sometimes carry into the next morning. I just tried to say as little as possible and stay away during the rages but that's hard to do when you're getting pushed and punched.

I have a lot of the same experience. I have bought her presents and she has discarded them or told me it wasn't her style and left them wherever they were. In fact the only present she really liked were expensive jewelry and one year I got her a big bottle of Vodka and she really "loved" me for it.

Rage episodes were the worst and a lot of time it was over something super small or stupid. One time when she was angry she ripped apart a stuffed animal I got her because she thought we were over. She later sewed him up the next day.

lol! I bought her a Tiffany bracelet.  Hardly wore it. Found it laying by the kitchen sink. About the only thing she regularly used was the coach purse i got her. What a mistake

I don't know about gifts, but if I dysregulated with grief in reaction to her dysregulation, something would switch in her and she would feel sorry for me or something and move to comfort me. That whole process took quite a toll.

They were calmed.  Flowers.  Handwritten notes.  Her screwed up view of male-female relationships made her see any gesture like this as "so romantic" and showed "how much I cared about her".  But does she deserve these things after she rages?  If she didn't have such anger in our r/s I would have done so much more for her - truly thoughtful gifts instead of half-baked gestures to just calm her down or end her silent treatment.  

She had serious issues about money though so I refused to ever buy her anything expensive.  And this is something I did do for "normal" girls I was together with in the past.  Not trying to buy their love but because when I care about someone I want to do nice things for them.  My BPDexgf made so many inappropriate comments about money I refused to ever buy anything nice for her.

I also found this to be the case after an outburst from her.  If I told her I was 'depressed' it would get her attention and she would want to try and help.  It was the only word that triggered empathy or compassion from her.  Not all the time, but I found it interesting.  It was very draining to get to that point though.

I completely agree with this and had the same experience.  Her abusive and demeaning behavior would put me into a depressive state and I would turn to her and she would be compassionate.  A relationship with a pwBPD can create a sort of Stockholm Syndrome where you feel loyal to and turn to the one who is torturing you.

I can relate to this but I found the compassion in these cases was out of pitty. In my situation it still fit into the overall framework of devaluing me. She needed me to be the victim and her the rescuer or she the victim and I the rescuer.  Their always needed to be a bad guy somewhere out there.  It never really left this dynamic.

My experience with gifts and my uBPDw was so confusing. She started off by cherishing the gifts or a treats I gave her. This would then be swiftly and sharply devalued during or straight after with a rage like she got too close or even felt a real emotion and panicked. She would then somehow shift the blame for her outburst on to it being my fault and demand that I fix things. She would then negotiate a deal of what I should do to make it up to her. And I would be in too much of a FOG to realize what was going on. I always took the blame. She complained that I gave her too many gifts for Xmas, making her feel guilty about the presents she was giving, and then raged about me not spending enough on her for her next birthday. She then created an imaginary tally of debt for me to make up. I was always in her debt. It was bizarre. So glad I am clear of the crazy-making.

Hi Deeno2

Exactly. And apologize profusely... .then egg shell walking. Then end the evening with a kiss only to have her turn her cheek and say"mmm mmm, I have to like you again first". Im still so fu*ked up from that.[/quote]
Hmm! 

Wow, do they all carry the same dictionary?  She use to say that too, like after she got really angry, and then she would say that out loud especially if I was real attentive (usually was ) and went and got her something.  It was like, well, I'll give you some points.  Only, that would last until the next time, and yes, it was a controlling thing, like you were being graded and watched and now your a good boy, so will see how well you behave.  If you good, you may get some ice cream.  God brought back bad memories of how I let her control me.  A slave to her emotional wimps.

Hmm! 

Wow, do they all carry the same dictionary?  She use to say that too, like after she got really angry, and then she would say that out loud especially if I was real attentive (usually was ) and went and got her something.  It was like, well, I'll give you some points.  Only, that would last until the next time, and yes, it was a controlling thing, like you were being graded and watched and now your a good boy, so will see how well you behave.  If you good, you may get some ice cream.  God brought back bad memories of how I let her control me.  A slave to her emotional wimps. [/quote]
Yep, then I would get the every 3 month come to jesus, treat me special or lose me what a bad boyfriend you are rage thst left me a pile of emasculated man goo