BPDFamily.com

Hi. It's been 3 1/2 months since she's moved out and the divorce will be final near the end of December.

I've been on a little journey to figure out what I like, who I even am after being married to two people and having both of them suck the life out of me. This is hard!

I find I am still really really angry at my exBPD wife and can't seem to figure out exactly why. Yesterday I looked at her online dating profile just before bed and found that she had completely re-written it yet again. I know that's probably a bad idea, but for some reason I feel compelled to find out how she's doing. I don't love her and don't want to even be friends with her, so what is it?

As I was trying to sleep last night it sorta hit me. I'm mad at her for being crazy! I'm mad at her for not telling me she had BPD so I could make an informed decision about whether or not to even date her. I'm mad at her for making me love her and want to take care of her and making me think that she was going to get better! I'm mad at her for emotionally abusing me and putting me through so much stuff for an entire year! I'm just so mad at her! Reading her profiles helps remind me how absolutely batty she is, but I still wish I could stop reading it.

I don't know how to get this anger out of my head... .how to get HER out of my head!

I am not sure what to say other than I understand what you are going through. I seem to get better for a month or two and then all of a sudden I will have a day or two where everything my dBPDw did comes back. I can hear a song that she played during her bad times that trigger me. I can drive by a place where something significant happened and it trigger me. I can drive down a certain road and it trigger me.

My wife had an affair with someone who lived over and hour a way at a time when we had very little money. During this time, if I even bought a piece of gum I was scum because I was wasting money. She was driving back and forth every day in our van, using my money (she never works) for gas and food, buying clothes to look good for her new girlfriend, and buying things FOR her new girlfriend. So, there is a state park nearby where my wife's girlfriend lives and we used to go there occasionally. But every time I make that drive, I GET FURIOUS! It makes me feel so disrespected and used. Not only that she would always tell me how fast she drove to get to her girlfriend because she missed her and how sexually excited she would get anticipating on the way there and things like that. It makes me wish she could feel like it made/makes me feel. The hurt. The frustration. The confusion.

As far as online stuff, I had to stop following her on social media because she was constantly posting memes that obviously applied to how she felt about me. "Oh so now that I treat you like you treat me you can't handle it." Stuff like that. It wasn't worth it.

Yeah! I was doing really great for a while, doing things with friends, going out a lot. I'm finding out that I'm more of an introvert than I realized. I need a ton of down time and am not super social and prefer to stay home. I took a two week staycation and did SO many cool things at home! I did see people, but the bulk of my time was spent at home doing projects, cooking a lot of things, crocheting, organizing my condo, and spending lots of time with my dog. I loved it!

I'm still doing lots of things, but I'm pretty much alone a lot. Oh also I want to find a new job. Ugh. I feel like I have to rethink everything and part of me blames her for it! If I hadn't been taking care of her for all that time, I would not be in this mess.

I hear you completely! I was stuck in the anger phase for over 2 weeks. I would have conversations with my dBPDexbf in my head sending him to hell in the worst way. I found out he recycled to the woman he cheated with during our rs. The same woman that warned me he was NPD in her opinion. They are in their honeymoon phase now... .

Id use to visualize beating him up (i wouldnt hurt a fly). Anger is a part of grieving and is a good thing.

I however got stuck in anger, it consumed my head and it annoyed me. I started a thread here on how to get past anger and one answer really struck a cord.

Who is it your mad at? Are you really mad at her for making you fall in love or are you mad at yourself for falling in love and continuing the rs when boundaries were crossed? Im realized I was mostly mad at myself for being a doormat. Ofcourse I am still mad at my exBPDbf, he should have never treated me so badly, but I didnt leave... .I enabled him, tried to fix things. This man is mentally ill, he suffers every day, he didnt choose the disorder, he doesnt want the disorder. It not an excuse for his actions, what he did was WRONG and then some. But there's no point in being angry at him anymore. I am sorry for him he lives with this illness. Being mad at me for giving him chance after chance after chance will also not help. I made a terrible mistake. I did the best with the information (NONE) at the time. I know my pattern now so instead I choose to work on that. My ex could be a person, but his illness always wins, time to accept that. I can not win, he could win, but that would take insight for him and taking responsibilty. He wont do that. Maybe in the future it will. But I am not willing to wait around. I deserve better now. I hope he'll see and change, not for me, for him.

I have to work on me so I never have to be this angry at myself anymore.

I do still get angry and triggered, but refecting on it, defining where the anger comes from and turning it into constructive actions to heal is my way of struggling through.

But a right amount of anger is a good thing, its all part of the path

Good luck, it does really sound like you're doing a really great job at moving forward!

Anger is an amazing emotion if you channel it properly.

What do you do after you read this girl's dating profiles? Do you pause your life for 5-10 minutes to sit and stew over old memories? In the long run, how productive is that? Obviously not very.

What would happen if you picked up a guitar instead? Went for a run? Cleaned up around the house? You might find that you play better, that you're more efficient, more focused. Getting things done. This is how professional athletes get into "the zone." They willingly put themselves in that state of mind and go out and exert that anger on something positive or productive. Hence why you see so many fights, even in non-violent sports like Baseball. Derek Jeter at bat is just as mad as you are reading your ex's online dating profiles; the only difference is, he's channeling that inner anger to his advantage, whereas you haven't figured it out yet.

You may not be a professional athlete, but we all face challenges each day, big and small, and using anger to overcome these challenges can be really helpful in the long run. It's that extra little boost we all need. A free shot of adrenaline. Why use this to stew in bed after a long day? Why not bottle it up and use it when you're about to face a long shift at work?

I used to do a bit of karting and drag racing - not anymore as winter's coming, but still. And I mean, I could analyze my technique and all that and try and cut down my lap times that way, and to an extent, those traditional strategies worked. Out of curiosity I read through a couple old texts I shouldn't have and hit the track a few minutes later. The numbers didn't lie to me.

Hi there ilovestrawberries,

The anger is an important part of the process and will come and go.  Checking out the profile is part of the process and helps to validate what you are feeling, but do try to distract yourself from continuing to do that.  What happens with anger in the brain is similar to addiction and adrenaline…we often feel tremendously depressed after the anger subsides due to that adrenaline/power rush.  It's all a vicious cycle but part of what we need to do to heal.  May I suggest two great reads:  The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson and Living and Loving After Betrayal by Steven Stosny.

I am currently reading Life Code by Dr. Phil and it is already the best book ever! I hate that I didn't read it years ago.  What an eye opener.

You are not alone!  Keep posting ILS.

Recooperating: I am mad at myself for falling for all of her bs but yes, I really am mad at her for deceiving me. I feel like she probably knew she had BPD but didn't tell me till we were already married.

cup.car: after reading her profile, I guess I just think about how she's just nuts! I'm not entirely sure why I look at it; maybe to make sure she's still the same old crazy, maybe it's to find out something about how she's doing, I don't really know. I've let a couple of my close friends read her profile and they can't believe how wacky she is! I guess I need to somehow make sure she really is crazy.

Hope0807: thanks for the reading suggestions!

Mr. Solo: It also doesn't help that we live in the same neighborhood so it's entirely possible i'll run into her at some point. Also, I walk past her street every morning on my way to work. I go to places we've been together. It's kind of impossible to avoid this.