BPDFamily.com

The last 5-6 months have been hard. I remember waking up in a whiskey hangover being unbelievably drained and feeling like I had no idea who I was anymore.

I just knew I was really unhappy and the there was a small part of me that knew it was because of the relationship I had. I felt truly broken. More broken than I had from any other relationship. Like my soul had been drained. With my last bit of strength I told her our relationship made me feel bad and we needed to go our separate ways.

I pushed forward, went to therapy, started eating right and forcing myself to get to the gym. I just wanted to get rid of that icky feeling. We all know the one. The sinking feeling in your stomach, tightness all around your chest and shoulders. Emotions that show themselves again just when you thought you had gotten over the hump of everything.

3 months ago I had to really start diving into myself and the relationships I had around me. It was a collage of people who knew me before and people who had glommed onto me during my 3 year relationship. As I started discovering things about myself, I had to say good bye to the recent friendships I had developed. I noticed my friendships before were stable/healthy. They disappeared during my relationship for a while, but boy have they been my foundation throughout this process. It's been very eye opening. I see their love, patience and guidance while I have sifted through this heart break. If they are ever recovering from something, I will be standing underneath them.

I really feel like I have had a break through over the last few months. They weren't always pretty. There were times of complete loneliness and despair.  Lashing out at my ex when she would send manipulative texts, etc. The good thing about therapy is that I didn't grind on it for too long.

Recently I started seeing a spiritual healer. It sounds silly, but I feel like there is still anger/residue from the last 3 years. My brain is in a good place, but my body just feels weak and sick. I have things I want to do and know I should do, but I physically don't feel up for it.  I didn't even know it was possible until I started reading about trauma that this can stay locked in your body. Yoga has been so helpful as well as meditation. I've been doing it for a week and feel soo much better.

Looking back on where I started and how far I've come has really inspired me to do more work on myself. I'm never going back to that kind of abuse. I'm never letting another person dictate my life and happiness the way I did. I refuse to be linked to someone with so much damage. It' was just as much my fault for the relationship because I didn't take the time to do the work on myself before hopping into a relationship with another. Lesson learned. It only gets better, as long as we do the work and remember who we are and what is most important. Ourselves.  

Good stuff, JRav!