BPDFamily.com

As anyone who read my previous posts knows, me and my exgf were a great couple for almost 6 years. Even though as I look back on things there were definate BPD symptoms as well as hypothyroidism symptoms.

My exgf had confessed to me when we got together that she was a cutter and she had cheated in the past on her ex-husband but said she never cheated on her previous boyfriends before him.

During our relationship I didn't experience the push and pull that is typical of BPDs. We never fought. It was all happiness and love. She had her little quirks that now scream BPD, but at the time I didn't think much about them because she seemed to have them under control.

Then after almost 6 years she lies, cheats on me and then breaks up. At the time of the breakup she seemed like such a different person. She went from a loving, caring, selfless, generous person to a cold, callous, selfish crazy person. A typical BPD that I had never seen before.

So my question is do some BPDs have a boiling point? Like since anytime a conflict came up I would quickly defuse it and everything was fine. Is it possible she just hadn't reached her boiling point for 6 years and then when her stress got to much she couldn't take it anymore and went full on BPD explosion? She had just been put in a situation of extreme stress at the time. More than I had ever seen her be put through in 6 years.

Oh, I forgot. The reason I mentioned the cutting and cheating is because she had stopped all that during our 6 years. Right before our break up she had told me that she had cut herself again for the first time in years. Then I found out she cheated.

I am in the similar situation, mine is at the 6th months after we are dating. I think it is a trigger more than a boiling point. It doesn't take repeat event to make them angry, it just need the right trigger I think. I am very new to this, so this is just my opinion maybe other member with more experience can give a clear explanation.

Stress is a big trigger. During times of stress, my husband can be almost impossible to deal with. Some of the things that stress him out seem odd to me. Normal kid behavior stresses him. Anything that happens that is unexpected stressed him out. At different times, he had a much higher tolerance. Other times, the slightest thing can set him off. It doesn't seem like there is much rhyme or reason. I am sure there is and I am not seeing it.

So I know stress is a big trigger for pwBPD. Is it possible that my ex just didn't have enough stress to act out over the past 6 years. This doesn't seem likely to me. Yet it seems as though this time for some reason the stress did trigger. So here is an interesting question. If I wanted to attempt a recycle would I then want the stress to remain high so she would get rid of my replacement soon? Or would I want the stress to lower so that she comes back to her "normal self" and possibly remembers us and how good we were together?

I think what might happen is that it is a case where things build up over time. What stressed me or you may not stress them and vice versa. It could also be something to do with hormonal issues depending on her age. It can be a whole host of things. Also, in looking back, there were small things that I didn't really notice or think about too much. When I put all of the pieces together looking back, I can see that there was some build up.

Your question about whether or not you would want the stress to remain high or low seems a bit controlling and self centered. I am not trying to be mean when I say that. It is more of, "Why do you want her back that bad?" Are you remembering things accurately? Are you remembering the good times more fondly than they actually were? Something to think about. If you really want her back, make sure you are prepared to deal with whatever that may entail.

She is 39 as am I. Our birthdays are actually 11 days apart.

The idea of things building up over time is kinda my idea of them having a boiling point. I think all of the smaller things weren't big enough to trigger. I was thinking that the huge amounts of stress she went through right before our breakup put her over the top.

Maybe I am being self centered to some extent. Why would I want her back that bad? Well the person she turned into and is or was last time I communicated with her is not someone I want back. However the person she had been previously was a great person that was a joy to be with 95% of the time. I am definitely remembering things accurately. Friends and family would back me up on that. The good times were as good as anyones relationship could be. And 90% of the time were good times. Even the times that weren't fantastic were still good. It was as if idealization lasted the whole time. I know this is a rare thing for pwBPD to not create problems within a few months of the start of the relationship but it does happen. I believe that she probably raged when she wasn't around me. Or if she was raging at me she acted in. The thing was that she would always tell me how lucky she was to have me and how she loved me more and more everyday. Everytime she left my house she would always say "thank you for everything". She even would tell her family and friends how great I was.

Then she pulled the Borderline Vanishing Act. Lied, cheated, and broke up out of the blue. Like a sucker punch. Right at the end, (in typical BPD fashion) when I looked in her eyes she was like a totally different person who I had never seen before in 6 years.

There may of been resentments that built over time in the r/s hattrick.


I can relate. The woman I saw when I was split black was not the woman  i knew for 10 years . This other personality was hateful, devaluating, projecting all of the time with zero idealization. She's been like that for well over two years. It's not the woman I knew in my marriage, she's gone for now and may return when she needs an attachment.