BPDFamily.com

LC with my pwPD for 1 month. text exchanges 3 times a week, no face to face contact for a month and I believe we are broken up?  :)  Here goes... .

Move on pls... .i am NOT coming back this time

I will always care for u

I just wanted to tell u i am safe and will be moving across town (actually closer to where I live)

I still feel love for u... .i always will

Miss u too

My decode: Helloo, mixed message!

How do you feel about LC after a month?

Since she put out the concept of a clean breakup... .(as part of her mixed message)... .

How would you feel about really ending the r/s?

That's part of what is messing with me.  I want to be back together but I also am trying to be kind to myself, not holding out hope in case she doesn't come back.  Additionally, she is still with my replacement. While with my replacement, she texts and emails me, saying she loves me, etc.  must be a difficult place to be - in their thought processes, sort of like a cat that wants to be on both sides of the door p.   Very sad

Good questions... .what do you think/feel?

Bruceli, I'm asking you those questions... .and I acknowledge that they are tough ones, not easy ones. Since it is your situation, my answers aren't important. Yours are.

I feel that they are hence forth why I am asking for others perceptions who have experienced the same or similar.

Just my take on it but she still has feelings for you but cant dace up to how she feels around you. Maybe the new relationship isnt all hearts and flowers and she missesvwhat you had. This is very typical BPD having your cake and eating it behaviour. From one who has been in two UBPD relationships, been through a recycle and is dealing with my ex wife who painted me white again and is putting the feelers out for me even though only remarried this year be very careful. Whatever ended the relayionship is still there. If recycled the devaluation will happen quicker than before as you will trigger thosr feelings in her.

BPD 101 - Loyalty Test

If she has "moved on" she wants the security of knowing you are there as a fall back.  Seeing if you are open to a recycle.

Bruceli that is what Grey Kitty is asking - Are you open to being recycled or do you want to move on?

Totally open to a recycle.  To me be, it a PD relationship or not.  IME, when relationships are truly over... .there is no contact by both parties... .

Ugghh has made a good point. If she has moved on and still contacting you she wants to make sure you're there because you are a good fallback! I am in the same position, if it helps to tell you what I am doing I am getting as much knowledge about the way she may be thinking in case of a attempted recycle and not allow that to happen as well as try to be ready to get the help she needs if she tries to recycle, I do not think allowing recycling is going to help anybody! I am just trying to strengthen myself with knowledge and not so worry so much about her actions at the moment,I get these same messages from mine and here is my decode!   I think the only truthful words in that message is always will, 

Save me please, I don't know how to ask.

But just know I am going to hurt you again if you do,

I want you to know that I am not doing very well and scared that's why I am moving.

I hate that I cannot love you the way you want me to, always will.

bruceli,

I absolutely cannot answer the questions I asked you, because they were about what YOU were feeling. I don't know you well enough to guess what you are feeling. Even if I did, I'm not living in your head, experiencing your feelings. I've gotten myself in plenty of trouble worrying about what I thought someone else was feeling already!

I asked how you felt about a month of LC.


That sounds like a decision or opinion, however it is close to a feeling.

Do you miss her?


This is your opinion. It isn't a feeling either.

Buried in it is an expectation. You expect her to cut contact with you if/when she wants to end the relationship.

My opinion is that given her disorder, she is finding that in some way it "works" for her to play these push/pull mixed message games with you, and doing things that are rejection of you, and hurt you. I believe that if you are willing to accept this sort of push-pull and breakup / recycle pattern, she will continue to do it.

I also believe that you have options to break out of this pattern besides cutting all contact and moving on.

People with attachment issues,  which is really what we are talking about on this board most of the time, establish a variety of adaptations to mediate the discomfort of closeness.  The more common adaptation lies in moving closer, then creating distance, moving closer, and then creating distance.  This is done instinctually as a way to regulate affect (the intense feelings that come with intimacy) and... .it's not plotted out as a game, though it shows-up that way and often feels that way to a partner (who reacts to it), and it of course becomes a habit and the 'go to place'.

In return, the partner themselves generally have a variety of adaptive ways they react to their own anxious feelings to the push/pull dynamic, and the reactions to that tend to exacerbate the system and over time, and the couple gets into this pattern and begin to assign blame... .once the goal becomes assigning blame, they really get stuck. Really stuck!

In and of itself, the communication you are getting shows a person who moved from a point where they needed to create distance... .to taking distance... .to what happens after they calm down a bit once distance is established, which is that the person's nervous system needs to calm down over time ( distance) and as they calm down, the other parts of their brain come on line again so that they start to get in touch again with things they actually appreciate about their partner... .and as that  settles in, they also can appreciate that they now miss their partner.  This all happens over time.  That's likely what you are seeing here.  It's not that abnormal, actually.

How you would like to respond is entirely and totally up to you, of course!  

But, nothing changes until we change our part.

Very eloquently put.  Thank you.