BPDFamily.com

I thought about posting this here or in the healthy relationship / dating section. I think it belongs here since it deals with something that people in the process of detaching from their might struggle with. It might get a bit personal, and it's a bit difficult to explain (even more so for a non-native speaker... .) but I will try.

I often read about how incredible the sex with the BPDx was, how it was like melting together, and the feeling that no non might ever be able to measure up to it.

As I mentioned in another thread, Monday morning I woke up at a girls place. And just earlier, thinking about her... .something hit me. I know it's maybe a bit weird and sound wrong, but I had the aforementioned thoughts and I "compared" them. For a second I thought... .yeah... .it was more exiting with BPDx. But hold on... .NO!

I think:

Just for moment, strip sex from all meaning. it's just a pretty mundane and kind of boring act by itself.  :)

The amazing part of it, what makes it so special... .happens in our head. So looking at it from that angle... .

Why do we perceive BPDx as so amazing? What is the difference?

Maybe having sex with them was (at least later in the relationship) a moment of reassurance, a confirmation of the things we crave from the BPDso (but they ultimately can't give.) Closeness, Caring, Validation... .things we had ultimately projected into them since they could never provide it.

Also, to be brutally honest, in retrospect BPDex wasn't really that amazing in bed. Looking at the big picture, we went through a "script," it was very repetitive.

I was often far away for days for work, she sometimes sent relatively kinky text messages in the evening. But... .sex with her was never that way. Yes, it more and more seems she used it as a means of making herself interesting... .more interesting than she actually was. And the sex itself more and more seems to me as if it was about her. She used it for her reasons, it was not about us or just plain having fun.

The more I think about it... .she wasn't the sexual person someone might think. She was, talking and texting. But the actual sex was something else. It was an act geared towards something different than we nons think.

No, the girl this weekend wasn't boring. She just didn't make me project all these, in the end, negative things into it. Thus it wasn't this explosion of relief, validation etc. I got to confuse with passion when I was with BPDx.

It was fun. It was exciting. It was darn amazing.

It didn't feel like we melted together, she isn't my soul mate. She was still a girl I don't intimately know... .but I felt incredibly comfortable being with her. And if this is heading where it might head in the future I am sure she can give me more than enough positive and healthy things to "project" into sex with her.

I think sex with BPDex was exactly like the rest of the relationship. Something different than I thought it was.

Sex is the only thing the BPDx has to offer anyone. Nobody is with her for her personality or for wanting to take care of a bunch of kids that are not theirs.

Nope, wasnt anything to brag about... .

I didn't find the sex itself so amazing, even though she was skilled. What felt so good was being almost worshiped, and this by your "soulmate".

Spot on Fluff.

It's an interesting topic, and probably a good one for the new members worrying they will never find the same connection.

I thought the sex was the best thing about us, but looking back I feel pretty grim about it - the things that made it feel so good were at best very unhealthy, as you say relief, validation - and at worst totally fake - mirroring, etc.

Nons do seem boring at first, until you adjust your priorities, and realise that great sex comes from a genuine connection, not a projected one. My uxBPD used sex for soothing and as a hook, whereas when you get to know a non properly, you are having sex because you both want to, simple as that - and that is far more satisfying and pleasurable in the end.

I read on here how sex was amazing straight away with their PD partner, but with a non it sometimes takes time to tune in to one another - but once you have, you can have a genuine experience which is far more real, exciting and satisfying.

Sex with a BPD is actually pretty grubby, for starters you are having sex with a child, emotionally, and also you are both in totally different headspaces, using it for different reasons.

Realising the amazing sex was not at all what you thought it was is quite a useful stepping stone on the path to recovery.


Also, I realise not everyone's experience is the same, and some here had very dull sex lives with their SO, but I am talking to those of us for whom sex was the hook that kept us going back for more misery again and again.

Our relationship upon digging deeper since the break up on 8/3/14, totally no contact since 8/21/14 was completely about the sex! We were consumed by our passion, lust, fire and adventure. The sex was the only thing that I know was not a lie, maybe an act, performance, tool or manipulation towards the end, but honestly the most amazing act.

Sex is the only thing I miss other than the moments he was actually calm and sweet. Most likely, those moments were also a well performed acts.

I also am in the dating stages.

Last week for my birthday, I was intimate with somebody from my past that still cares for me very much. He took me away overnight.  We were together 5 1/2 years but had different priorities in life, so it could never go anywhere. We have not been intimate in almost 3 years. The sex was beautiful because we have loved and cared for each other for such a long time, but just can't be together for anything serious. We had a fantastic, crazy, loving, passionate sex life the entire 5 1/2 years that we were together.

I too went backwards in my mind during the act, it just happened! I thought of how crazy fun, wild it was with my exBPDbf, but then thought how much this man really respects and truly loves me and shows it through his lovemaking and stopping at nothing to please me. He gave me an hour massage from head to toes! We went to dinner, breakfast the next morning, the movies and then another beautiful dinner together celebrating my birthday week!

He was always generous and kind.

Mr BPD was so selfish! He complained about paying for a drink, wouldn't massaging me unless he was helping me get rid of a migraine. He always wanted to be massaged! That selfish ass!

The sex is different,  but I really believe the sex was fantasy that got fulfilled with BPD ex and became addicting, and a soothing for everything bad that needed a fix.

It became a way to make believe we were okay again, even though we were not!

Yes the sex with my ExdBPDbf was off the charts amazing, but way too high of a price for all of the drama that came with the whole package of him!

He fulfilled my every sexual fantasy, but fantasies should stay fantasies!

I know I can't have boring sex with whoever I am with, but it is my responsibility to make my feelings and needs known as I would want to know the other persons needs when I find the right guy.

Sex was amazing because they knew what they needed to do to get in your core, they did the same thing with their exes. It's a hunting game to trap us by offering our desires on a platter.

Mind Games are not part of healthy relationship!

Great sex can be had by any couple who are comfortable enough to communicate with each other! I'm going that route!

Rifka

This hits really close to home for me. Sex was never that great with my partner because he was lost in HIS fantasy. He would rather take care of himself and look at porn than be with me. We are still together but I won't have sex with him any more. Whenever I have given in, then he gets all happy and acts like everything is okay and he has done absolutely nothing wrong. In asserting boundaries, one of the things that I had to tell myself was that it is okay to say NO and that is okay for me to be repulsed by him because of all of the things that have transpired between us. 


Nope, no fulfilling my fantasies. It was all about him and his fantasies.


That is an excellent reminder. My partner has me all twisted up in knots about sex because of his addictions and his hang ups. When I have tried to communicate with him about it, it turns into a discussion about him and his sex addiction and his triggers, and blah, blah, blah! Geesh, I'd rather go without or take matters into my own hands than deal with his baggage.



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The sex was soo great with her I didn't have any with her for the last several months.

it took me a while to realize it, but my ex completely dissociated during sex. 

I could have been a banana, and the reactions, actions, motions, words, etc would've been exactly the same.

after I realized this, sex became kinda strange... .and kinda gross 

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Vortex,

So sorry that you have to deal with this! When I said any couple, I should have said any NON couple.

Having a serious discussion with my exBPDb is like talking to my wall except the wall doesn't have a fit and run out the door!


Hugs to you, I'm sure this is very difficult situation.

Rifka

My emotions has flipped flopped more than a few times, but my thinking has been steasdy lately.  

My exBPDgf had an incredible body, but my girlfriend actually know how to please.  Yes, lot more physcially stimulated by the Ex, especially by sight but that's not everything.

The girl I am with is cute, and wonderful, and does things for me and I for her.  Not sure of my full emotions yet, and we been together but that stupid EXBPDgf keeps popping in my head, and that hurts things.  I let that happen and need to stop for my sake and my new GF.

So, right now, I am actually mad , since my ex was selfish, demanding, raging witch and I let her looks and body drive me into the dirt and exhaust me , and getting back, really, no true love in return.  Sure, I could make her happy and that BPD splitting would go to SUPER happy MODE, and adoring MODE, makes you feel good. But that's temporary as the next time who knows.  

So, I have to agree with the originator of the post, in reality, those it was alluring and great, it later tapers off, as all tend to do, yet, we do remember , but on the whole, when you look at it all, having sex with someone that really loves you and you love or care a great deal for them, is much better, especially, after it's over, because then, you left with the actual day to day living with them and them with you.

I had that same feeling of being able to be anything or anyone else. I thought it was me being crazy or having unrealistic expectations. I had to dig into my memory banks of how it was with the guy that I was in a relationship with before my husband. It wasn't earth shattering but it was obvious that he wanted to be with me and was with ME (not some fantasy in his head). For me, THAT was far more satisfying even though it could be awkward at times.

Pretty standard, 3 different positions. Oral once in 16 months. For her though... .she made out. Man, What the heck... .

That remark would apply to me |iiii


Yep, probably like having sex with a mannequin or something. In 3 years, she never initiated sex, never performed oral, and rarely even actively participated. She always said that, "sex meant nothing to her". However, that doesn't match up with or explain her slutty behavior before and after our r/s. In the past 25 years, I've never really had any complaints in that department. Maybe I lost my touch and now suck at sex, lol... .

Sex was incredible. I felt like a hero!  It was so erotic and fantasy like.  Today, 14 months later anything hyper sexual or super erotic is a trigger.  It sucks because it now repulses me. I used to be very sexual and she hooked me because of it. Now I immediately think of her when it comes up and how dirty, sleezy she is and how I was so stupid for not seeing it. I relate any woman saying anything sexual to filth now. I know that's wrong and I'm trying to work through it.

I'm surprised by some of these resposnes as i thought that a trait of BPD was being very highly sexual. The BPDx i was involved with was just that. The sex was amazing and she knew what she was doing. I guess when that's the only thing you have to offer anybody you have to make sure you're really good at it.

A person can be highly sexual without being able to have an intimate connection. Some of us that had so-so or even bad sexual experience may have had bad experiences because of the lack of connection. My husband acted out his sexuality in ways that had nothing to do with me.

Sex was really confusing for me in this r/s.  I could never pin point the problem. We started out with huge chemistry, passion, lust... .I had spent the previous decade in a crappy marriage and felt dead sexually so when I met my uBPDexh and he made me feel so alive it was a high I will never forget!  I wouldn't say it was 'gazing in each other's eyes' type of intimacy.  It was more raw.  After about 6 mths this stage faded some and things slowed down but it was still good.  He was always eager to please and seemed to know how to do so.  But there was always something I missed.  I wanted that 'gazing into each other's eyes' type of intimacy.  We didn't have it.  We talked about it, I told him I wanted more of an effort in that dept.  He tried but would find little things to get irritated with.  My hair in his face was irritating so he would no longer kiss the back of my neck which I had indicated I enjoyed.  He criticised how I kissed.  He would get irritated if I was tired even though I willingly pleasured him instead.  It never went long enough in his view (he wanted 4 hr sessions!) If I got a cramp from doing some kind of contortion he wanted he'd be annoyed.  Nothing I could do was quite enough.  As time went on and these little things built up plus all the other dysfunctional things in our r/s, especially the control, I found myself going dead inside again.  I felt numb.  And tired.  I always offered to please him if he was in the mood but found myself wanting to avoid sex.  I felt pressured, like it was my wifely duty.  And the more pressured, the more I didn't want it.  I guess, looking back, it was me trying desperately to have some iota of control over my own body.  He had taken over so much, even dictating how I should sleep, what I should wear to bed (nothing), etc.  One time we went on vacation to his brother's and we slept in his teenage niece's bed.  He pressured me for sex the whole time and I refused, said that it wasn't right having sex in his niece's bed (be okay if I was doing the laundry but I was not!)... .he sulked and pouted the whole time and by the end he was in quite the state.  Ugh I'm so glad I don't have that pressure on me anymore.  It has really distorted my whole idea of sex, I am not sure if I'll ever get back to wanting another lover.

A banana lol  :)

But yeah what you said was so true with me as well

Though he wasn't skilled or anything and he sometimes stopped half way through because (sorry to sound mean) but he's put on a lot of weight hasnt got the stamina anymore. It still was really good sex for some reason, it was like he was made for my body hahaha! . He was never affectionate after though even right at the start when there said to be all lovey dovey, i never found that as much. I just thought he wasnt into it as much, i thought he was actually different from the other guys i had been with before him he wasnt a sex manic. Now i find he is worse than my exes after finding him on fetish websites and going to sex groups every wednesday, watching people with there boobs and do dars hanging out, lap dancing and even men in nappies and his straight.  . WTH!

I can relate to this!  I recall when we were dating and having sex, a thought crossed my mind, "if it wasn't you having sex with her it would be someone else."  I felt like I was just fulfilling a function for her.

As Pingo said, it was missing something.  It had to be marathon sex.  Then, she would critique it.  It was odd.  It began to feel like a performance rather than sex.

Then, after we married and I built the house and she had kids, the sex stopped.

She started telling me that sex didn't matter to her.

When we dated, that was all she cared about.

Oral sex completely stopped, except for every 3 or 4 years.

She gave me a hj once a week, and I tried to be appreciative of it.

Then I overheard her "bragging" to her friends that she gave me a hj once a week to "shut me up."

She would get angry if I mentioned anything about sex.

I haven't even seen her naked in like 13 years or so.

This floored me.  I would look at my wife and recall how she love bombed me.  Then, I would realize that I wasn't even allowed to touch her anymore.

Meanwhile, she would make fun of other wives for being prudes, but these women had better sex lives with their husbands than we had.

It really has messed me up.

I wonder if our marriage doesn't make it, will I be able to be intimate with anyone else?  After over 10 years of my wife acting like I was disgusting.  It has just done something to me.

OH, and she really let herself go physically after we got married.  It has been so disappointing.

The sex with my ex wasn't earth shattering in the "crazy sex" sense, it just felt SO connected.  But we were new to each other, it was the honeymoon phase.  As soon as we became "serious" his performance issues started and he would even push me away as if I disgusted him.  It was the same with every one of his exes I spoke to.  When it is detached and new, he's aroused.  When you start to care, he can't get it up.  SO messed up.

For me, it was all about the connection.

I had never felt the depth, passion and caring with anyone before falling in love with my BPDex GF.  She wasn't wild / crazy, although she'd go with the flow / mood. The problem was what was going on with her (multiple partners) when I wasn't around (we lived in different areas during the course of the relationship)

I'll never experience the deep connection I had with her with anyone else ever again.

I'm too broken now.

Sex was definitely a major hook, one my uxBPDgf set fast and deep.  But, it evolved … and though she could match the physical aspects, she couldn’t do the emotional side, though obviously a way of soothing her fear of abandonment (for the moment).

She’d also talk a big game, especially in public  … but behind the scenes, wasn’t all that gifted or talented.  Actually, I was relieved… assuming she’d likely experienced too much   In reality, she got lost easily and rarely focused on me.  A giver ... .I was satisfied, though it ended up as lopsided as our r/s in general.

And, it faded.  Seems she’d often use it as leverage, or a test of control.  After 3.5 years (off & on), I could see it was headed to a cold place… 

I suspect a strong draw was her allowing me to explore any desire, as if exploring childlike curiosities.  Though once that curiosity was satisfied, it never progressed toward the depth of sharing I ultimately desired … becoming merely an act.

The sex was never all that good. As much as I tried to connect with my ex, she just wouldn't allow it to happen. She just disassociated and kind of shut down. I guess that's what she meant by, "sex means nothing to me. I wish I could go the rest of my life without sex and it would fine with me". I've tried to figure out what she meant by that statement and at the same time how she could be so promiscuous. The best that I can come up with is that her statement doesn't mean that she doesn't like sex, but rather that she doesn't emotionally invest herself with her sex partners. That's the best that I can come up with. Or either it was just a lie and excuse to limit sex with me. I guess it's a moot point now anyhow.

At this point, I feel that her statement, "sex means nothing to me" should really have been, "You mean nothing to me". Because right now, I feel like I meant nothing to her and I don't think that's going to change in the future.

"The best sex ever" is the name of this thread. I might start my own called, "The best sex never", lol... .

Same here.

And we had our baby, soon after (1 yr + into the r/s)

Sex remained "highly connected" but RARE, about once a month only.

I remember him in the beginning talking about his ex who used to get angry and say "You can't even make love to me"  :) I'd found it weird because sex was soo great... .

But I believed him when he said it was because SHE wasn't nice/sexy/kind enough... .

Why on earth be idealistic about sex with a person that turned out to be mentally Ill?  It was sex, big deal. Personally I'm glad it's over.

I'm kind of glad it's over too. The new supply can worry about it at this point. But then again, some sex is better than NO sex right now, hahahah... .

That depends Fred, I'll take sanity

My ex was no holds barred, anything goes, the sex was amazing but it was all about fulfilling your needs and not there's, by fulfilling your needs they could manipulate you into not abandoning them, why would he leave me if the sex was that good? The stuff we did was beyond anything most have experienced, whips chains, submissive, she would do exactly what I said, but here's some food for thought, she's giving you fantasies you would normally only dream about, and she's letting you do what you want, so who's the one that needs to sit back and take a good look at themselves? It's like these BPDs love to be abused and will do anything to fulfill your needs sexually, my ex even called me daddy once during Intercourse, and yes she did have major daddy issues.  If your a healthy human being why get seduced into a twisted fantasy with these people?

I think it depends on the person and how things manifest themselves. Mine was only focused on his needs. If I would ask him to take care of my needs, something would happen and things would stop. It was usually because I wasn't reacting the way he thought I should. Or, if I tried to give direction about what did or didn't feel good, he would take it personally and get upset and everything would stop. So, I stopped worrying about my needs and tried to be better. We were and are married. I am of the opinion that two people that are married should try to figure out how to meet each others needs. The only problem is that it was all one sided.

One sided for sure. Lay there while i did my thing. After hearing her body dysmorphia speech (5 children) it would just be mechanical.  I didnt care how her body looked, i loved her... .

I think my ex was HPD though, there's been a few occasions where I've literally felt weirded out, there was one occasion when she said go on your phone and show me what your favourite porn is (I thought we were going to re in act like some couples do) but instead I put on some lesbian porn, next thing I know she's pleasuring me while I watched the porn, when ever I went to drop the phone to be intimate (as you would) she kept pushing me back down saying no watch the porn I'll sort you out.  Explain that one? Was a very surreal experience considering she was my gf not some hooker I payed to satisy me.

My husband has definitely weirded me out quite a bit. I went down the rabbit hole with him for a while. His most recent thing was for me to be with other guys and tell him about it. Heck, he even had me call him by my lover's name one time. He is so messed up because he would tell me that he wanted me all to himself again but then would be unable to perform. I am not proud of it but I did a little bit of experimenting and "accidentally" brought up my lover and, BAM, things started working again. I am still living with my husband but I refuse to have sex with him. For the record, I was never promiscuous. I wanted a friend that I could connect with, he wanted me to be his personal ___ that he could get to go do stuff and bring home stories. When I found a friend with benefits, he didn't like that at all and would change his mind constantly about whether or not he was okay with me having a lover. He blames it all on his sex addiction. I still don't understand how a person can be a sex addict and not be turned on by his wife on a regular basis.