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Not sure why, just one of those evenings I guess.

I understand completely.   I was doing so good today, wasn't think about her or anything.  Then I got triggered.  I thought I deleted emails etc, but I saw old ones and stupid me pulled one up where though she raged and scream and punch the night before, she was sorry and said she just doesn't know what she wants and mixed up etc. 

Ahh, got caught in the what if's and reading into something that wasn't there.  They was raging , and demeaning actions and words well before this, and oh well, that was probably the 7th or 8th time around with her.  So it just gets worst because I realized that she has big problems and now she shown her hand and she doesn't like it, and me either.

Anyway, it will be better Deeno2 , and has been and today was great up until now.  Just a setback. We need to remind ourselves of all the drama, and bad feelings they cause, then, and now.  Hang in there

It will be OK, I know it will for both of us. 

Gotta be a full moon... I am in the same funk tonight and I was afraid to post what you just did... .   What is wrong with me?

I know outside. Been 2 months now, and even though there's a ton of bad, sometimes a little good pops through and makes me miss her. That and being alone. Still can't wrap my head around the fact I'm destroyed and she's with the replacement like nothing happened. I just don't get it, even when it's explained ad nauseum, I don't get it.

DeenoO2,

Hang in there. Maybe not now, but later you should date .  Look, BPD or not, see saw something in your that attracted her to you.  Yes, I know, they are beautiful, stunning too, but ... .it wasn't real, You are not the reason she left.   She didn't mean to deceive.  She has no control over herself even.  It's like getting into a car that has a steering wheel but it's not attached to the front wheels.  You can't avoid crashing again and again.  It's the car, not you.  I know I jumped back into that car, because I missed everything about it but sooner than later, it started crashing all over the place, it has to, it's not attached to anything real!

I promise they will be others.  Though I found a great girl, I still get pulled, but more important is to keep busy, understand it's an addiction.  If it was true love, she would cherish your heart, and you.  She would never hurt you.  No one that loves or has compassion would do that. 

Someone will, I promise.  Love is a surprising thing.  It happens suddenly, but you have to be ready for it.  You don't have to search for it, that's exhausting.  You have heart, and you'll be ok, you will!

I know. Ruminating at times. It just set me off yesterday for some reason when I am making such good progress. It's cool, it was just one of those days.

Hang in there.

Its been 6 months today for me. I still miss him. Not nearly as much as before but still when I least expect it I miss him. I just proves we are sincere in out commitments and our love. For us it was real.

And yes it is like an addiction. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Our hurt is in part due to the loss of a person we cared about (real persona or not) and inn part due to the loss of the dream of what was supposed to me. There are other parts as well but these are the two I am working on today.

Have you read "How to Survive the Loss of a Love"? My psychologist recommended it. It has helped a lot. Authors are Bloomfeild, Colgrove and McWilliams. Give it a shot. Its a quick easy read.

Meanwhile take care of yourself. Sending you virtual hugs.   

Thanks Hope. Like I said, just one of those days. You see a couple and you miss being with her doing couple things. The feeling is gone again, Im back on the bus... .LOL. You and Outside are right. It will get better and it has, but sometimes your mind plays those tricks on you and you see something, or someone that just makes those memories come back... .which are then quickly over run by those oh SH*T moments that brought you to the forum!

Deeno,

I am watching you progress through this heart wrenching experience we have all endured here.   Sometimes it hard to notice in ourselves that we are indeed moving forward and getting closer to our love of self.   You are doing the hard work Deeno.  You are doing well and you will get to the other side of perceptive and arrive to a life so much more peaceful and  full and calm.  

Yes, we miss our ex's. We miss these very real ppl we loved while knowing that they need work and so do we.   Who has the better odds?

Stand strong our brother here.  Each day gets you closer.  

We fall 53 times and get up 54.

:)

Hey Deeno,

Yeah I'm with ya:)  I find ruminating is the worst during unstructured time…which I've been giving myself too much of.  Grateful to be 'good' while at work, now I need to fully occupy my days off, nights, and weekends a bit better and get out of my head.  Even if I allow myself to stay in bed for a bit in the morning…anxiety and depression creeps in pretty thick.  

Yeah, its odd. Like PTSD for the most part. You see someone with the same hair style, see a couple doing something that you guys used to do, go by the place where you went on the first date and... .poof. Your thinking of her. It is what it is. It will come and go, but with time it will diminish... .

Deeno

How are you holding up?

Today is my turn. I miss him. I woke up confused and searching for him. I cried.

There is nothing to be done about it. We just have to carry on. Hopefully one day we will find peace. Hopefully one day they will too.

Give me  a hug man me too lol   

I ran 10 miles last night, she apparently was in a club smiling having a blast... .


Honestly go spam some girls on dating sites, be honest you've still got feeling for someone else but having other people to talk to is great. I've talked to a few girls and for those days I felt like I'd be good.

Don't shut yourself off, don't do unproductive things (easier said then done I'm playing tons of Xbox, looking at buying an exotic car to make myself feel better, and exercising to an unhealthy degree, but at least its moving forward haha and not eating cupcakes and crying)

I can see if she no contacts me I'll eventually be back out with the boys and forget. Your good man, As much as I want contact, I wouldn't want the contact some on here have about bragging being with new partners, or hurling insults for the hell of it.

Hi Deeno,

Sorry your hurting bro. Maybe instead of seeing yourself as being destroyed replace that with your hurt / damaged instead? I considered myself damaged after our split. Just saying this because it might be an easier road to recovery for you. Easier to fix damaged than destroyed right? 

AO

Seems to be one of those weekends TBH.  I stayed off these boards last week as I felt like they were consuming my mind.  I was spending so much time reveling in my discoveries that I realized my focus was her her her.  I did relatively well until this past weekend.  I  miss her.  At first I wondered if it was just b/c I was lonely... .but it isn't.  I miss her.  I don't miss the drama or the negative feelings, but I miss her laugh.  Just when I think I take 2 steps forward, I seem to be taking 4 back.  Blahhh. 

I'm with you Ray, what is wrong w/ me?

I've thought a lot about this lately.  I think my problem is I have the ability to look past really bad behavior in a very short period of time.  To a person on these threads we have all been treated very poorly, in very cruel and dangerous ways yet we can all sit here and say that we miss them at one point or another. 

I think for me it has to do with my co-dependency to some extent and maybe also I'm just missing the rush or feelings that were good when I was with her, but not necessarily her.   Overall, my pbdxgf doesn't represent very much that is inherently good so it can't be her that I'm missing, but the good experiences I shared with her.   I sure as hell hope I'm onto something because those experiences I enjoyed can certainly be replicated in a good, decent, well balanced person that is capable of unconditional love.  I just have to keep building on my self-worth to make sure I don't gravitate toward the BPD again.