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I have something that i notice from time to time if I think about it or get confronted with memories.

And I would like to hear your experiences and take on it.

I was looking for a couple of specifics photos. So I had to skim through a portable hard drive. I kind of dreaded it, didn't know what it would do to me since 90% of the things on there are related to her.

But it confirmed the feeling I had before and this is what I want to talk about.

I felt like it stirred up feelings in me, to some extent. But it didn't really hurt me, it had lost it's edge.

It was more the memory of pain. Not actually feeling it.

Seeing some of the pictures, us being together, our house... .what I thought would be our life... .

it was a memory. It felt distant, so long ago (although some of these pictures were only 6 months old.)

If it would have been a "normal" relationship I think I would have been more nostalgic. It was like I had suffered so much in the aftermath that I just burned through all the feelings.

It felt surreal, as if I was looking at something foreign. It's difficult to describe. I somehow couldn't relate to it.

When I see a picture of her or think about her (yes, it happens regularly) it#s almost as if I forgot how she looked. I feel a bit of sorrow, but it is more like my brain saying: "Oh a pic of her. We have to feel sorrow now!" But it doesn't really pull it off.

I feel estranged. That is a good word I think. Estranged.

By doing all these horrible things, just dumping me and moving on, building a new life within 2 weeks (if you can call this building a life) she made a stranger out of herself.

I have my moments when I feel sad. But they are manageable. More like fleeting thoughts.

I think I am on the right track. Do I still love her? I don't know to be honest. Somehow. But more like someone that I know was VERY important for me and that I cared a lot for. But I have realized, as sad as it is, I can't help her. As much as I would have wanted. And I also know that I did it all. I did more than anyone could ask from a human being.

You will read things from me that are a bit sarcastic from time to time. But I wish her well, I just won't be able to be part of it. I hope one day she can stop this vicious cycle of suffering and making suffer. In the end... .she deserves it too. just as much as I do. Deep down I know she is a good girl.