BPDFamily.com

In another post someone mentioned this behaviour... .assimilation of our hobbies etc by the BPD person.

Mine did this.

I had a motorcycle, so of course a he wanted one. Ended up that I got rid of mine as her highly aggressive and competitive nature made me fear for her safety of she got one...

I liked to shoot. So she shot. Bought her own rifle.

I train in a martial art. She started.

She stopped her own hobbies ( ones I later found out she 'stole' from exes) and later blamed Me For her doing so!

I have an interest in a particular breed of dog. She took that on, became superficially knowledgable very quickly, and can now talk bloodlines etc with enough confidence to fool a layman.

Just interested to hear of other assimilation cases!

Oh Yeah!

I'm into fishing. She got into fishing when we first started dating. I even bought her a pair of waders so she could go with me.

I played guitar so she TRIED to learn how to play.

I'm a Christian and went to church. She was very interested and went with me all the time.

FFWD some 15 years later. She stopped fishing with me, could care less about guitar and stopped going to church.          I should have known she was screwing around on me just because she lost interest in my hobbies.

It's actually sad when I think about it. I remember asking her early in our relationship why she had no interests or hobbies of her own. The only thing she mentioned was drawling so the only thing I ever seen her do on her own was she drew me a picture of an alligator... .Now I hear that she's into hunting as her new r/s is an avid hunter... .It is very sad to think about, they are so empty inside that they don't really have any core being which is why they have no real interest or hobbies!

MWC... .*)

Mine BPDxgf had the opposite reaction.  Didn't like any of my hobbies and criticized all of them because it took time away from her.  She was incredibly needy all the time and anything that that I was doing or was about to do that took time away from her caused me to get her  wrath.   Verbal abuse, guilt trips and then for good measure shed down  a bottle of vodka and get trashed so someone would have to go watch her so  she didn't fall down the stairs and kill herself 

In the beginning, he would take an interest in my interests. I grew up around cars and car shows and stuff like that. We would do some of those things but as time went on he stopped wanting to do things that I liked and it became all about him and what he liked. I used to draw and paint and sew and write. I never stopped writing because that was something that I could do at home while being ignored by him.

I will admit that I tried to get into some of his hobbies and support him in his interests. The problem was that he didn't want to share. I joined his church because I wanted to create some family rituals with the kids and I really think it is a good idea for couples that have kids to have a shared spirituality to some degree so that those values can be shared with the kids. I would ask questions and try to pray with him but he would shut me out. I have always loved music and wanted to play an instrument. I finally found an instrument to play and we started a musical duo together. He quickly lost interest in that or would not support my efforts to play with him. I felt like he shut me out of everything. Now, his only hobbies and interests seem to focus on sitting and playing on the computer.

Oh, there is one big thing that he did that annoys me to this day. I went to grad school to get a master's degree in a field that I loved. He was interested in that field but not to the degree that I was. He decided to go to school with me. I feel like he road my coattails and now we are in the same profession. At one point, he got a job where I used to work and recently tried to get a job where I currently work. Thankfully, he didn't get it.

Was it me who mentioned it?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=099a8911f78b1f745aa52e0659459bf0&topic=236601.0

As far as I experienced it’s not only hobbies, but general interests, taste (food, cloths, style) too.

Lets start far back (r/s 30+yrs)

Exw liked to drink milk with lunch. At our home we didn’t, so my mom bought milk in case of. The 2nd time exw said she didn’t like milk at all.

Me visiting her parents. Milk was served. exw drank it…

We once agreed in which exw was the “überdog”(!) not to spent holidays in a camping tent or with a caravan.

Now with her soother exw attended with his 4x4 off-road club a fair at the East of England Showground, had to stay in a tent, cooking outside. Assimilated.

Soothers hobby mentioned, 4x4. Friends of my (then us) bought new Land Rover Discovery’s for years every 3 yrs. Comment of exw: disgusting, special that spare-tire on the outside, what is the use of it, an ugly a- social car!

Assimilated now… soother have an old Discovery… exw couldn’t afford it, so bought a Suzuki 4x4, with spare tire on the outside.

Recently some UK contacts sent me pictures of her watching very, very interested (…) at the performance of 4x4 cars of soother’s club event on a cold day, wind, mud, exhaust gasses around her nose.  

As my son, fond of cars, wanted to visit a nearby (mud)rally-circuit once, we went as a family. Exw disliked it, that mud, oil, exhaust gasses   lol  

Like a sturdy teenager showing of, exw even drives around with a showy (covers half a side window) club logo. A club logo even from abroad…  lol

As mentioned in the topic above, I met her while exw lunched with soother. I was surprised. Used to eat a healthy meal, now a fat one with a lot of sauce (used to dislike a lot of sauce), an exact copy of the plate of soother.

Being very skinny now, maybe exw wants to be like soother too, fat as a Michelin-tire puppet.

Cloths I saw at that lunch? Exw used to be modern sportive with class and had her own style (surprise… I thought so for more than 3 decades…) Assimilated the style of soother, cheap and ordinary, bad dressed.  

Of course being half of a lifetime together a baseline is fixed in place. So being a family interests of all members must be taken into account. I did, we did, kids did.  

In every village/town we once a year celebrate “Queensday” now “Kingsday”. Since kids were a 4yrs. old, we participated the festivities. Later, kids find their own joy with friends, exw  became involved in organising the event. Exw absolutely didn’t care about having Q-time as a couple. So kids gone, exw gone, dad… at home.

Since exw left, exw was seen with other man (before this soother) elsewhere.  

So still a really disgusting feeling overwhelms me when I see that behaviour, that lack of self, that lack of having an own mature personality. Many, many activities as proposed were categorically discarded. The Q-time together as planned ahead, exw undertakes it with a soother.

However, as my sons told me, exw now improved her house with my ideas for home improvement which exw, how surprisingly   lol  rejected back then.

But exw is still wearing my earrings I once gave her. Token for her burden? Token for her victory as she couldn't win without destruction of my family? 

We loved the mirror and smoke may god have mercy on us doomed from the start.

Mirroring. I am also a shooter. I ride motorcycles. Just like her Ex bf who she idealized. I take both hobbies more seriously though.

BPD aside, it could have been just a common interest.

Since we lived together and had kids, I encouraged her to take self defense training with firearms as I did (it certainly improved my shooting), but she never got around to it, even though at the beginning, she loved it when we went out into the woods to go shooting.

Though I had been a licensed bike rider for 20 years, I signed us up for a beginning bime class together. She failed it, amd her reaction was horrible, despite two others also failing it.

She always came with me to my rock concerts, which I had been going to for 20 years before I met her. I think she liked most of them, but near the end, she seemed more like an accessory.

At the end, she accused me of not being interested in the things she was. I thought,."what are those things other than her culture and family?" My replacement, other than being a Tescuer, perhaps, seems unlike me or any of her previous boyfriends (other than seemng to show jarcissistic traits). She told me when we were just friends, "I feel like I can be myself with you." As opposed to what? Maybe there is no answer to this.

Turkish, the 'I can be myself with you' speach is something I also got... .

Along with the 'with the others I knew I was just waiting for you' speach... .

At the end, I got the ... .'I just want to me. Alone. Just me.' speach... .

... .followed a couple weeks later with the ... .

'I'm involved with  someone who makes me feel special , something you never did.' speach... .

Words. Nothing more.