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Hi

I am going out with friends tonight and just the thought of a bar with men hitting on me is giving me extreme anxiety. I have been thinking about my ex non stop all day and I feel guilty going out.  Has this happened to anyone else?

oh yea, I've felt guilty too.  Logically why?  My ex is on a dating site and is likely going on a date tonight with some poor guy.   

Get yourself out of the house and mingle a little bit.  You deserve it!

yeah, it has. My biggest fear is running into them while out. But you have to. You cant let them win by being a hermit. Talk with your friends and let them know how you feel. Make a signal if you start feeling uncomfortable so they can bail you out. I took it real slow and when I do go out, my head is always on a swivel.  

Yeah... .I'm just starting to detach from my marriage while still living with my uBPDwife. I have gone out a couple times with friends and I get a little anxious, though I'm more happy than stressed. I'm still wearing my wedding ring, which helps, since many women check for that before talking to guys. I've still got hit on but I think that has more to do with my social circle (a bunch of single cougars, lol) than it has to do with me. Maybe you should consider wearing a ring also that resembles a wedding band or engagement ring and don't hesitate to flash it to guys who try to come on to you.

So here is how it went which is not too good!  I had way too much to drink and talked to about 4 different men all of which I started to explain my problems with my ex no good at all.  I did get lots of hugs and posted photos on fb but honesty as much as I hate to admit it I was really hoping he would see them and text or call me.  I was careful not to include men in any photo because I don't need him going crazy or completely withdrawing from me so hard I hate being single!

Everyone hates being single. Especially they do. But being single and having a relatively safe space and the ability to live free from the question "Where are you?", is a google times better than the nightmare we were/are living.

I though long and hard about staying and fighting for a love that I believed in. But I was and would have been fighting for "my" belief in a genuine fantasy. Comments like that should come with a packet of Rolaids. The sickest part for me 30 days out, is that I guess I miss my regular dose of abuse so much, that I have taken over where she left off and caught myself abusing me and still allowing her voice in my head and is partially still in control. I realize it's PTSD. I'm waiting on the rescheduling of my therapy appt. I need fixin' after this one - no doubt.   

I know she loved me and I own my part in our troubles. But I guess she knew what was about to happen and there was very little, if anything that could have been done to prevent the inevitable. I did love her too, more so at times because I realized her struggle. But the difference in us was and will always be that I had empathy, and her empathy was distain.

"You know it's sad but true." 

I understand where you're coming from, especially the postings on FB hoping that he'll see them and that he can see you're having a good time. It just takes time to let go of that.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're grieving, this is all part of the process. Accept your thoughts and feelings, enjoy the moment, enjoy the 'now'.

(BTW, this advice is as much for you as it is for me lol)

Hey there, I recognize this in a different way. We lived in different cities and we deleted each other from FB so no chance of seeing each other pretending to be happy. It's been 1,5 weeks since I broke up.

But I nearly always remember my dreams, and I've been waking up the past week with dreams where I show (true) emotions that I'm not really allowing during the day. Example: in a dream my dBPDxbf is being a complete victim in a situation and it annoys the hell out of me. In the dream I don't only allow the irritation, I also show it to him without any remorse. I talk to friends where I say (without sugarcoating it) how annoying he can be and how much I hate it in him.

When I wake up... .I feel very calm and happy about the break-up. And instantly: I feel guilty. And anxious. Throughout the day I start feeling sorry for him and a wave of fear (of abandonment?) follows through my body which ignites a new few hours of 'oh no what did I do, I threw something incredible away, I have to contact him to make sure I still have a chance in the future'.

I know I feel guilty for making the best choice for me, for choosing my own path.

And I know where that pattern was created... .it's not a coincidence my father plays a role in my dreams these last few days either.

My T said earlier that these are all feelings that are natural and that you just have to learn to bear them. They will leave after a few hours, so it's best not to act upon them. If one stays for weeks, you might want to to examine that a bit further.

Good luck, keep following your own path out of the FOG   |iiii