BPDFamily.com

As always.

Had a good talk with my mom just now. The usual guilt about not calling her for 3 weeks. It was actually two, but I didn't say that. "You're mother could be dead and you wouldn't know."  No mean tone of voice, just conversational. She said she thought about calling me on my birthday but didn't, then asked why I didn't call her. I replied that it would seem to me self serving... That was almost two weeks ago.

My mom's a hoarder, and her house has been literally falling down on her for the past decade.It's horrible enough that i cant stand to go inside, and i have a strong stomach, and am familiar with it.

I asked her if she had heat for winter. She said no, but that she would survive, had plenty of blankets and sweats (not to mention bed warmers in the dogs and a 20lb cat). I told her I was going to bring her a space heater for her room (my old room which I only lived in for about 7 months before I moved out). She said that wasn't necessary. I asked her if the old heaters worked. She said she would have to dig them out, she didn't know, but she survived last winter. It was literally below freezing in her house last year, 29F she told me... I can't quite wrap my head around this "just surviving" mentality. It's like she draws strength from it, proving that she is tough.

When I see her in 3 weeks, I'm going to buy her another space heater anyway even though she told me not to. At least that gets her room into the low 40s. I bought her an electric blanket one year. The following year I asked her about it, and she said it no longer worked because the dogs chewed it. Despite her protestations, I brought her another one, and she loved it and thanked me. I forgot to ask her tonight if the old one still worked. Early Christmas presents: new blanket and space heater. She lives in the mountains of California at the snow line (meaning, the elevation where they get some snow and really heavy snow, though some years she does get a few feet of snow). Now that my Ex is gone I have room. I wouldn't mind her staying with me in the city near sea level for a few weeks during the winter, but her animal hoarding chains her their. At least she is aware of this, the occasional comment about the grandkids not knowing her notwithstanding (she of course blows this out of proportion as D2 and S4 are always happy to see her, but that's her perception).

What can I do? Not much more than I said. She turns 73 early next year. I don't trust her driving over 100 miles to see us so I don't ask. I can only do what I can do. I have my own life and responsibilities.

I'm sorry that your mom didn't call you on your birthday Turk. It sounds like she projected. It has to be difficult that lives 100 miles away up in the mountains. It also has to be hard that she's 73 and living in a dilapidated home. I would hope that she'd change her mind somehow with caretaking her dogs and cat and come stay with you. It sounds like she's set in her ways though. I think it's a kind gesture getting her a heater and a new blanket. She's your mom and it has to pull at your heartstrings seeing the way she gets by in life by surviving. I'm sorry.

Turkish,

I'm sorry you have to slog through this. My mom is headed the same way, unless I get excited and help get her motivated to move from her state (14 hours north of me) to the region where my siblings and I live. I actually don't want her to move down here. Dealing with her phone calls is about all I want to do. She's headed to 60 and health getting worse all the time, but it isn't helped by her hoarding and depression keeping her from maintaining clean living space. The last time I visited her house was nearly 5 years ago and I had come for the sole purpose of "helping her clean up" as she tried to make a fresh start. I had intended on cleaning several rooms, but it took the better part of four days just to overhaul the kitchen, including scrubbing years of spills and crud off of the floor. No wonder she's sick all the time.

Hermit BPD and low-level depression (is your mom chronically depressed, do you think?) together are such a sad combination. My mom is, at her core, a thrifty, hardworking Scottish type. She used to houseclean for a living and taught me well how to keep things in good repair, so it's not an issue of know-how. Ugh.

I'm glad you at least have a reasonable handle on your own intentions and inner balance about caring for her. Sounds like you're sad/horrified for her and willing to interfere just enough that if she's going to perish from cold, it'll only be because she didn't flip a switch. Seems like a good level of interference to me.

claudiaduffy,

My mom was diagnosed with "high functioning depression" 25 years ago. My mom scoffed at the "high functioning" part and I agree. Perhaps it was because my mom has never made a suicide attempt, I don't know. I remember the summer after graduating high school at 17 (I was counting the days until my 18th birthday when I was legally an adult and could sign a lease... .not that I was home much that summer), my mom was dosed with Prozac. That only made things worse. I remember her coming to me in tears asking me to hide the bottle. I did, and had a mind to try it myself to see if the effect was real or made up. I didn't. She got more stable n other anti-depresents later. But I had mved 60 miles away to college. I came home on the weekends, but worked and hung out with friends. Some weekends I never went to see her. I haven't spent a night in that house since my last night as a 17 year old.

It was only a few months ago that my mom told me that one of her later therapists (she went through like 7) gave her a backhanded suggestion that she was BPD. Given my mom's situation, the accessibility to medical care, I can see why there wasn't a dX put in her record. My mom accepts that she is, and knowing what I do here, I get the sense that my mom wants to talk about it. I don't, but I think I should get past that. The pain of my uBPDx is still raw though.

I understand your frustration with going to help your mom "clean house" so to speak, and literally. My mom had periods of semi cleanliness, mostly from people whom she periodically moved in (waifs whom she "rescued", but after those relationships inevitably blew up, the hoarding returned. Unless the mental illness is treated, or unless we have the capacity to Care take, it won't change.

Earlier in the year, I visited her and she said that she had been bagging up stuff to take to the dump. I made a sidelng glance about the yard (which is like a surgery unit compared to the inside of her house). She said, "I know, I know it doesn't look like it, but I am making progress." Sysiphus was probably a Hoarder... .

I can feel badly for "writing her off" and being the only child, I do feel I have a responsibility. I can do little things, but I can't Caretake or rescue. I gave her $900 last year to help save her from unpaid back property taxes, but I've turned off the finanicial spigot. It actually helped her buckle down to find ways to catch up her back taxes. What I thought was rescuing was in fact shaving. I can't fathom how she survives on such a paltry amount of money each month after she makes the monthly back tax payment, but she does. She let her taxes slide for 8 years, about $90/month. If she had told me, I would have paid it, but she let's everything reach crisis mode, and then survives, or doesn't...

In the early 80s, we moved from the city out of a home she had to short sell onto 25 acres in the woods. No electricity, no running water (no bathroom, not even an outhouse) living in an ninsulated barn shell at snow level. I ate most meals cold out of cans that summer. Severe depression, lost her job, and she lost that property in foreclosure for a $16k note. Pathetic, but that's mental illness.

We moved onto a friend's property living in a cab over camper. Still no electrcity, but at least he had a well for water. CPS almost took me about this time, but that's another story. The county and the DA had it out for her. So much drama. I just want to be done with it, but it's not going to go away.

I'll be left with 5 beautiful acres of land in the mountains, a house and property which will cost me at least $10k to clean up, notwithstanding the fact of me raising S4 and D2 with my uBPDx 120 miles away, and a house that needs 5 gallons of diesel and a match. This is my life. Maybe I should write that book someday like everybody says I should 

Turkish, again, I am standing in solidarity with you on all of this. I am so sorry for the ongoing, low-grade tediousness and irritation of being unable to actually help or be in a beneficial relationship with your mom.

I hope that when it finally does come time for you to deal with the property and the house that you don't have to go through things and relive memories on your own. Maybe you could sell it without messing with it... .

She made me promise to not sell the land. Her husband's remains are buried there. When real eatate was at the bubble, I suggested that she sell the 5 acres (it was paid off), and buy a cabin on an acre somewhere in CA or even Nevada. It was plausible. Hoarding denotes fear of loss (according to my T), so that didn't fly. Now she's stuck. I'll break my promise if I have to, but will bury her next to her H's remains, as best as I can remember where the spot was. I have my life, and I have two small children who are my primary responsibility. I feel like I may be cold, but with this, it's logic to me. I have friends who offer me alternatives, but I am ready to just let the county confiscate everything (maybe this isn't so logical) so I won't have to deal with it.

I'm talking like she's already dead! I just feel resentment on the inevitable mess I'm going to have to deal with.

Turkish

Man your mom sounds just like mine. The animals the hoarding the "survival mode". It is painfull and I am afraid to talk to my mom too often. It's so sad. They need to be the victim and it's something I am coming to terms with as far as my ex and my mom. To be honest I wouldn't trust my mom with a space heater with all the animals and hoarding it would probably start a fire.

For warmth smart wool long johns or thick silk long johns and some of those thin puff jackets and those puff slippers. They also make these fleece headband things to cover the ears and neck. My mom is the same way no heat in winter and she's keeps the temps in the 30's inside. They also make those comforters with artificial down that are very warm.

I showed my mom all that stuff too and it allowed my mom to brag about how good a survivor she is and how she has no heat in winter.

The smart wool long johns and puff slippers are worth their weight in gold when it gets really cold.