BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I have been with my uBPDw for ten years, married for six.  After years of thinking my uBPDw was just overly sensitive and emotional, the emotional abuse and chaos have escalated to point where I am convinced she is a high functioning BPD.  My therapist is convinced too.

What doesn't make sense to me is this:  If my wife has a genuine personality disorder and can be so horribly emotionally abusive to me at times (trying to convince me I'm autistic, brainwashed by my family, yelling and raging at me, telling me i'm a bad father, etc.), how do I make sense of the times when she has appeared to be a genuinely loving, sweet, and caring person?  Granted those times with me are increasingly part of the distant past, but she does seem to have the capacity to be a great person.  Most people who know her probably think she is a wonderful person--and she is in many respects. 

All of those positive things may be true, but the reality is that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and everyone I know--my friends, family, and therapist--have told me that.  The problem is that the many good times I have had with her--and on some occasion still do have--make it hard for me to leave.  I feel like I am increasingly holding onto the idea of my wife as she was years and years ago--not as she is now.  My sense is that this is precisely why BPD is a personality disorder.  You can have someone who seems normal in some situations, but deep down is troubled and volatile.

Have any of you been in a similar situation?  How have you accepted the idea that--yes--she can be and has been a wonderful person at times, but that does not excuse the emotional abuse and does not change the current state of things?  How have you gotten past this?

Thank you very much for your responses!

I have also wondered about the good times. Sorry to say but my conclusion is that she was only nice because she was happy. She was having her needs met therefore had no reason to grumble. It may seem synical but if you look upon it as taking out a child to play then it may help. When a child is having fun they are fun to be around. When theyre not having fun they are not fun to be around. There is also the naughty child. The one that is having fun doing something it shouldnt. I know my ex did this aswell.

I struggle with the same issues. High functioning uBPD/NPDstbxh who is liked by a lot of people and who is accepted for being a 'bit different' at times. That could be due to the same reasons as to why it took me such a long time to find out what was wrong. He's the 'only American in the village' and therefore people seem to accept his strange or different behaviour. Putting it down to cultural differences or language I guess.

Been together for six years, married for four years. We had two blissful years until last January, nothing wrong, everything awesome, until work stress and me picking up smoking again triggered him. He started to behave verbally abusive, putting me down, raging at me over unreasonably small issues. He wrote to me at some point that he 'had to find a new relationship' because I wouldn't do what I was told (quit smoking, which I usually did because of the stressful situation with him and being verbally abused... .). He kept saying that I provoked him, pushed his buttons etcetera. Never took responsibility for his outbursts.

I've been grieving a lot, mourning the man that is not there anymore. Tried to hold on for a long time to the idea that somewhere, deep down, the man that I knew should be there, but he never emerged anymore.

I've been struggling with the bad memories being interrupted by the good ones. How is it possible that the kind and attentive and generous man that I knew has totally disappeared? Where did he go? And how is it possible that I'm still the only one he's lashing out to (being in a nasty divorce right now). I'm losing support, because people keep seeing him as the nice guy and 'aren't I overreacting' or I must have done something to provoke him or yes, we're not good for each other. When he keeps up this nice appearance, less people believe me, even though I've showed some of them the recording of one of his rantings.

So I'm where you're at. How is it possible that he's able to keep up this facade of being a nice guy, while at the same time he's screwing me over as much as possible in the divorce.

The only thing that helps me trying to make sense of it is replacing every good memorie with a bad one, just to validate myself. It is hard to not be doubtful. It is hard to stay sane. I don't know the solution and I'm longing for a final conversation with him, but I can't go back now that he betrayed me.

Knowing that other people experience the same things, helps me a lot. I'm not the only one.

If I had a dollar for every time I said "this doesn't make sense" or "make this make sense" I'd be rich.


When people found out that my ex was having an affair (I found out 2 weeks after our 20th wedding anniv) they were totally and completely blown away... .they simply couldn't believe it; he is Narcissisitic Sociopath... .so he had everyone (including me) SNOWED. He did SUCH and amazing job making sure that any thing ugly, or any blame for anything bad, went my way... .

Once his mask fell off (2011) THEN people started seeing what he was REALLY all about... .

He was never 'the persona' he projected to be.

He was always an awful person (I saw it at home behind closed doors).


My life (25 years) was a lie.

That "wonderful person" he wanted people to think he was... .was a lie, an act, a front, carefully planned.

That was the hardest thing for me... .knowing my life, my hopes and dreams of a future, were all lies.

And he wasted 25 years of my life... .

Character is not created under pressure... .it is revealed.

And when the going wasn't going his way... .he was verbally and emotionally abusive.

Evil. Truly evil.

So no, when I look at things logically and realisitically? There was no 'wonderful person'. Ever.

 
It was hard to accept that I had been so fooled. So abused, and beaten down, and fooled.

I am getting past it knowing that once this house sells, I will NEVER EVER have to talk to him again.

I can pack up and move to where it's warm all the time, and never have to see him, run into him, or hear his voice.

Oh how I long for that glorious day!

I dont have much room to talk. My r/s was only 16 months, but the damage accrued during that time is so very real and so very painful. I cant imagine what you all went through. As far as good times go, as long as i was doing what she wanted and expected, then things were great. If i deviated from the pattern, or planned something wrong, or didnt plan something, then i got railed. So i can only relate the happiness and good times to following her direction, and when i did, i got the wonderful person/relationship. If i messed up, i got the treat md special or lose me speech, making me feel like an ass, and end up walking on egg shells, praying for a way out. I still feel quilt, shame and unworthiness.  I know im not, but the damage has been done.

I went through a similar experience.  Together for 4 yrs, married for 1.  I told him I wanted to end it. I just became exhausted.  I couldn't imagine another 40 yrs of this.  It started to feel like a life or death decision.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made.  He was so emotionally abusive and manipulative, I had zero trust in him by the end.  And to be honest I don't think there was ever true trust in our entire r/s.  He was so jealous and possessive right from the start.  By the end I didn't believe anything coming out of his mouth.  Even his seemingly sincere attempts to be loving were seen with distrust.  I had to question what was his motive? 

Looking back after being out for 5 mths I see that he is a very troubled man.  My heart feels sad for the loss of the good times.  I don't doubt he was trying to be happy.  It's hard to wrap my head around it.  He could be so incredibly sweet and affectionate.  We could have so much fun together.  But he could turn on a dime.  I never knew what would set him off.  I couldn't predict it.  And I could never do enough to satisfy him.  No matter how much I tried he would find fault.  I became more and more anxious.  I couldn't trust my own feelings.  How could I have married a man who is so messed up?  I started to question my sanity.  It wasn't until after I was out of the r/s that I could see just how abusive he was. 

I think I made the decision to end it when I realised I couldn't save him.  That his problems were beyond my control.  Since the BU I have thought about all the 'what if's'  and I wondered why he couldn't just go get help.  Why couldn't he have made the effort to save himself.  But I had to let that stuff go and save myself.

That is the painful dichotomy of being in a relationship with a pwBPD. My situation was/is different than yours... .but for me, in the end her bad behavior ruined all of the good times that I ever had with her, and I truly cherished those times... .and truth be told... .I think ALL the good times were just her mirroring me. Of course, that quickly vanished when sh took up with her new supply as she was then mirroring him.  We are talking about a mentally ill/damaged person here. Someone who has no real personality of their own. We can only sustain them for so long and then they begin to resent us/ themselves. It's difficult.

I try to remind myself that nothing is all good or all bad. Something good can be found in even the worst of situations. There are times when I struggle with the question, "How come things used to be so good?" I wouldn't say that our r/s has ever been overly intense or overly romantic. But, it used to at least feel good to some extent.

I echo what Deeno said in that I feel like my relationship with my husband would be fine if I never expressed any dissatisfaction with anything. Things didn't get as bad between us until I pushed the envelope and said, "Hey, things aren't working for me. I am unhappy with how things are." That is when all hell broke loose. When I got to that point, he was doing little or nothing around the house, wasn't helping with any of the parenting, was snapping at the slightest thing, and was largely a walking time bomb. Even now, there are days when he acts like everything is perfect and we are going to be together forever. We don't do things together and it feels like we are nothing but coparents. I wonder how we got to this point. When did things change? How did I not see it? Am I really so needy that I would put up with that much crap just for a few good times here and there? I gave him the benefit of the doubt for 18 years. Every rough time, every outburst, every time he ignored me, there seemed to be a "good" reason. Everybody talks about replacements. Early in the relationship, I was replaced by porn, then it was different men's groups, and then it was church, then it was computer games. There was a period of time where it was other women. There was always somebody or something else that was more of a priority and it was usually focused on HIM.

"How to make sense of the good times?"

I was married 4 years. I don't look back now at even one good time moment at all. It's all tainted. As others have commented here the person with BPD was having their needs met so a good time resulted in the process for you and her. When they are not having their unquenchable needs met you get to hear some comment like I would hear often such as "I'm not feeling it".

Exactly... .

We can't rewrite the past. I also question judging our own reality by looking through someone else's (disordered) eyes. What's yours is yours. If you experienced some good times, accept it. Find a way to have some more.

True. I just don't know if they were genuine or not. That's bothersome as it casts a pallor over any future r/s. Just another aspect of the mind games that BPD causes on us non's. Sad how badly they destroy us.

Does it matter if it was genuine to them? I try to focus on whether or not it was genuine for me. There are times when he has gone on and on about some even that was "good" for him and I am sitting here thinking "Really? You considered that good? You must not have seen me sitting there miserable." When I think back, I remember times when we were doing stuff and I would see that he wasn't happy and I would try to address it by leaving or giving him more attention or something. Even though my FOO is dysfunctional, I used to really enjoy going and hanging out with them when there were no wars and no drama. He would bring a book and sit and read or go walk around in the yard and talk on the phone to his mom.

I agree. I put my whole heart into my r/s. They didn't. I don't give 2 ___s  how they feel anymore. I did my best, but it wasn't good enough

I think with time that worry about if it was genuine or not goes away, I am finding I care less and less about what his experience was.  It was genuine for me and that's all that really matters now.

Very true pingo. It's just we are all in, they aren't. Eventually I fear burn out from always giving and getting nothing back. I'm afraid I'll become like them.

I know what you mean, last night my counsellor pointed out how I have learned to have pretty good boundaries with my FOO and my kids, can I imagine that in a r/s with a man, and I said no, not yet.  I wish I could but if my past experiences are an indication of the future it's hard to imagine.  That is why it is so important to take this time to heal before jumping into another r/s (my old MO).  So it won't be "always giving and getting nothing back".  If we're healthy we won't attract that anymore.  But it's hard to imagine at this point in time.

Now if I could stop thinking about the miserable witch who said bad ___ about my daughter, I'd be a happier man.

Pingo... thanks for that... .I am aware... but don't always hold on to that... .I was trusting, faithful and honest... .and willing.  I wasn't a fool.  I was a good guy.  That is what I ALWAYS need to hold onto... .who I am and how I behaved... .because in the end... .I always have a good me.

I received the silent treatment.

The sullen beady eyed stare.

The sulking and shoulders down body language to SHOW sulking.

All so I would (like pavlov's dog) say: Honey what's wrong, what's going on, talk to me.

So that I would get "nothing".

So I would say "no, I can see something is wrong, what's wrong".

(repeat this 6-8 times)

Then I would get 'a sentence or two, two if I was lucky'... .and I would begin apologzing, and fussing over him doing anything to make the sulking and pouting and silent treatment stop.

IF, and that's a big if, IF a conversation WAS had... .it ALWAYS, no I mean ALWAYS ended up in him twisting things or just making ish up and saying I said it; turning everything back on me, so I ended up apologizing for HIS evil and I was made out to be the one "causing" his discomfort... .

I look back and think: Wow... .how in the world did you do this for so long lady?

It has been bliss not being around him for 4 months... .it has been wonderful to discover ME in these last 4 months.

Had to comment here, and say that I heard this often, too. Weird.

Trying so damn hard to find the bliss after 2 months. That mean witch is still in my damn head... the 43 days NC has helped though...

Replace her.

Find something to replace her with.

When the intrustive thoughts start... .replace them.

For me?

When the intrusive thoughts start?

I start planning the restaurant I want to open; I think about the menu, where I want it located, what I want the layout to look like.

I pray.

I thank God for revealing to me what was happening and that although it's painful, I am so thankful that I still have life to live, free from abuse.

The battle... .is in my heart and mind.

The more I approach all of this from a logical stand point, and NO emotions... .

The more I feed myself positive future planning ideas... .

The more I look at things around me and give thanks (the sun, the running car, etc)... .

The more I focus on everything POSITIVE, the better I get.

I was not this strong 30 days out.

It takes practice... .not time.

:-)

Oh man, the sulking and pouting is very annoying. Instead of getting the silent treatment, mine gets diarrhea of the mouth. It seems like he operates in extremes. There are times when I think he talks just to hear himself talk. I can bring up something about the kids and that will lead him to telling stories about HIS childhood and HIS pain and HIS blah, blah, blah. And I just want to scream, you are NOT a child any more. You are a grown adult, please act like it.


I am with you on that. How did I notice these things sooner? How the heck did I put up with this stuff for so long?

I think your analysis is spot on.  When my wife and I are on vacation or with her friends or family, she is a wonderful person and we get along well. But when we are visiting my family or going to a restaraunt I've chosen, it is often a different story.  She is critical of my family, accusing them of shutting her out (complete garbage), or doesn't have anything good to say about the food at the restaurant I've picked.  Or if things are a little stressful because of kids or any other assortment of things, she's definitely not a pleasant person to be around.

My sense is that the good times are "real" in the sense that they are really happening, but unrealistic because they require the absence of stressors that a normal person could tolerate.  When those stressors occur, it's blame time, manipulation time, etc.  Not only can't they handle the stress, they handle it horribly.  Thus, a person who has many good qualities can turn into a witch when you least expect it. Therein lies the personality disorder.  That's how I see it, at least.

Wow, I could have written this! The quiet sulk followed by the confusing imaginary problem followed by the rage... .so effective at sinking you into the FOG a little further

Like you, I look back with disbelief that I went along with it, even blaming myself.

I think the good times were real and I agree with terranova 79

"My sense is that the good times are "real" in the sense that they are really happening, but unrealistic because they require the absence of stressors that a normal person could tolerate.  When those stressors occur, it's blame time, manipulation time, etc.  Not only can't they handle the stress, they handle it horribly.  Thus, a person who has many good qualities can turn into a witch when you least expect it. Therein lies the personality disorder.  That's how I see it, at least"

When my ex felt safe and loved he was a wonderful husband/friend. The issue was that everything had to be how he needed it to be for this to happen, and that was my responsibility. So yes - the good times were real and they bought out the best in my ex. His inability to cope with life meant he lived in a world that was full of stresses he could not deal with appropriately. That is when the flip outs etc occurred. Sad

Ditto.  Good times were usually when we were home and everyone was behaving appropriately and I had cooked the appropriate dinner and no one triggered a ST or rage.  Good times were rare on a vacation as he was out of his comfort zone and would inevitably find something to be upset about (always caused by me of course).  In the beginning we could go for a drive in the mountains without incident but after a couple of bad trips and ST all the way home or road rage to let his rage out, I began avoiding those and preferring to stay home. 

The good times occur when they are doing exactly as they wish, you are doing what they want, and you are relieved they are not causing you stress or drama. Really they are not good times at all because you are being set up for the next fall.

The fly has a good time lapping at the sweet nectar in the pitcher plant before he falls to his doom.

I could have written that. It wasn't so bad in the beginning but over time I noticed that he would get weird (not sure how else to describe it) when anything unexpected happened. The last time we went to see his mom, even she commented that it seemed like he wasn't comfortable around his own kids. Going out with 4 kids with him is sometimes brutal because he will get snappy and weird. We went to a train show one time and insisted on staying with us but would then nitpick the kids about being too close or too far or too something. It reminded me of why we rarely go anywhere any more. His anxiety and weirdness causes the kids to act out even more and I am the one left trying to put all of the pieces back together. So, we don't go out as a family. If I try to go out with the kids by myself, he will act hurt and rejected. It is really a no win situation so it is much easier to stay home.

The worst part was, for me, that some of the best times were RUINED by her dysregulation.  On some of the most amazing days of our relationship, days where we were carefree, smiling, laughing, in each other's arms... .Things would be going great and out of nowhere something would trigger her and the whole day would be ruined. 

That's the sick joke of this disorder. When things are bad, okay sure, they're bad.  But when things are good, especially when they're really good, the BPD partner's fear of loss or abandonment gets triggered and they become dysregulated. 

My BPDexgf and I went on one trip together in our relationship - to Europe - and she absolutely ruined the last day of the trip and the plane ride home.  It was a short trip, only four days.  Our last day there we had such a great time together.  Passionate sex in the morning, great food all day, seeing the city at night, and then settling in for a late dinner around 11pm.  Mid-dinner she flips out over something trivial and we end up not speaking the rest of the night.  I was so frustrated - how can someone take such a great day and then completely ruin it? Oh, and of course blame it on me.  I was looking forward to dessert, a stroll home, and more great sex.  Instead it was "l'addition s'il vous plait", a silent walk home, and lots of anger. 

It actually feels good to type this story out.  It's one that I had never told on here before.  It makes me thankful that I am out of this relationship.  I love to travel and I have read way too many stories of ruined vacations on here due to BPD partners.  Nope, I don't want any of that, good riddance.  Vacations should be therapeutic, not sources of agony due to BPD partners.

My point is, when things are too good or too stable, it often triggers them, and the great times can go to ___.  Maybe not true with everyone, but I have lots of personal experience here. 

StayOrLeave15, mine did the same. Especially if we went away for weekends. There just had to be a fight. Also her favourite place to start insults where at restaurants. While we having supper. Geez. People would look at us the way she carries on.

I look back on the 3 years with her, and I just do not understand why after 2 month of B/U, I am still having bad days.

What did this witch do to my mind? How could anyone stay in this type of relationship for so long? Really, at times I think I am the mad one here.

It really is frustrating trying to work this out. This is a very bad addiction, and getting over it is not the easiest thing to do.

I feel like they know (probably subconsciously) that if trouble begins somewhere in public (e.g., a restaurant, where you are basically stuck until the end of the meal) that we will likely try to avoid an argument in front of people and will cower to them.

The weekend before we ended things we had just taken a nice walk and we settled into a cozy-looking restaurant for dinner.  Five minutes in something triggered her and she completely flipped.  Of course it was taken out on me, but she also took out her anger on our waiter.  I've never seen her do this to another person before and it was very embarrassing.  I could also see the fear in our waiter's face because she can just be that cold and nasty when dysregulated. 

Again, very therapeutic to write about / remember these times as part of moving forward. 




Caretaker, a three-year relationship is a long time.  Not to mention all the intense emotions, pain, addiction, etc. that come with a BPD relationship.  There will be hard days.  I'm doing so much better but I did have a dream about her last night, so woke up a little upset.  But here I am posting, and I feel a little better already.  It takes time.  And, yes, they are addicting.  But like many other addictions they are very unhealthy.