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Today is my pwBPD's birthday. I've been thinking about her, of course, but I won't contact her. It's the first time in 7 years that I haven't been present for her birthday. I miss her terribly. I initiated NC 22 days ago.

I made a list to help me through the hard times. Today is one of those days. She's moved on, and has been with the replacement for several months. So, occasionally, I look at my list, in the hope that I won't feel so incredibly heartbroken in missing the good times, and can concentrate instead on the "off" parts about her--in other words, the things I don't miss.

One of the things on my list is how cold, dark, and messy her house was. I've always thought our homes reflect a lot about our personalities, and about who we are inside. Any thoughts about this?

My ex also had a messy house but her drunk family had more to do with that than her. 4 years with me and she became a neat freak and is now scrubbing the floors there picking up after slobs. I know its hard, really hard for me because we have a child together but it's best to not concern yourself with what they are doing, if they aren't interested it will only bring you pain.

Yes. My ex never really cleaned up her house. Clothes straight went from the washer and dryer into piles on the furniture and laundry baskets. She never throws anything away either and keeps senseless stuff. Kind of reminds me of that show about hoarding, just not as bad. If she ever gives up on hurting people and goes hermit mode, I could see her being like people on that hoarding show though.

Usually she was lazy when it came to cleaning. But some days she would be full of energy and she would go on a cleaning marathon.

Mine was very juvenile in his decor. Posters of tattooed women and movie props. It seemed more like the home of a late teens boy or first year college student. He was quite neat but didn't really clean.

Now in all fairness. I have a tough time keeping my home up. In my previous large home it was hard to clean (i.e. wash floors etc) but easy to keep neat (things put away). In my current home, which is tiny, I find it easy to clean but hard to keep neat. I have closets that are about the size of a laundry bin and no storage space. So I have been madly purging my stuff but I still find there is no place to hang clothes or put folded towels away. I have become the queen of "its off to goodwill".

So now my home is cluttered and I hesitate to criticize others for the same crime. But my decor is adult like. I don't have a collection of preteen novels (think 2 full bookshelves of them). I don't play video games all day and night. I clean the floors and bathroom weekly. I don't have a big fancy home but I have an adult home.

my ex was a filthmaster! his house was dark and messy... .dusty, dirty... .my skin crawled when i was there. the worst was his kitchen. after he finished cooking, he would leave the dirty pans on top of the stove... .just waiting for the next use  

we were in the process of moving in together (never happened) and i told him i had only two house rules - to remove his shoes and wash his hands when he came in the house. of course this caused an immediate fight and he later used this against me (multiple times) during his rages that i'm "afraid of germs"   

cleanliness is next to godliness. i never thought it was a bad thing.

Must dig deep in history. At her parents home it was optical clean.

Even nothing changed in over 40 yrs in that house… except for new upholstery on the couch…

As exw left her parents at 18yr in a typical outburst, exw came to live with my family (temporarily, which lasted much longer), my mother (who was very precise) taught her all about the household.

Living together, exw felt in a way back to optical cleaning. As a modern man I did my tasks, but made her very clear that I don’t accept optical cleaning from her side, as I did my best to really make clean.

That boundary was set early and followed by exw.

Later, kids as teenagers, well sometimes one could follow a trail leading to one of the kids (normal that age).

However, exw tried to mirror that teenage behaviour, as an easy excuse.

At the moment I mirrored (so leaving a mess on purpose) exw however suddenly started to clean up her mess.

Thinking of that again… how I had to defend my boundaries, how I had to be the one guarding, thinking, guiding, planning.  

Thanks for this topic FlyingAway, makes me realize the minor seemingly unimportant dynamics of all day again.

Her house? Much like her life. Organized chaos. Bottom floor somewhat ok, very anal about dishes. 2nd floor? Like a ___ bomb blew up. Clothes from the dryer to the baskets in the hallway, etc, etc.

A mess, but had personal care attendants cleaning the living areas and cooking for her. She was sick all the time.

My ex had a this thing about bacteria. Everything concerning me, was full of bacteria. My shoes, hands, etc. And had to be washed when I get to her flat.

As a matter of fact, she used to drive me up the wall with: have you taken your shower yet?

Over and over. Day after day. Geez, I need to relax for 5 minutes when I get home from work.

Although she only worked 4 days a week, she always was too tired to clean. She needed cleaners to come in once a week, which I had to pay. What always made me mad, is that food she makes for supper, stays in the pots, on the stove, till tomorrow night. Then it just gets warmed up, and we eat the leftovers. I gave up fighting about putting the leftover food in the fridge.

The walls are covered in pics of herself. Wherever we went, I had to take pics of her. Some she printed out, and stuck on the walls, others she would load on fb. She needed all her toyboys to constantly remind her how beautiful she is. I could read the comments on her pics, but the conversations she had on her wall, was for her eyes only.

Never was there ever a pic of the 2 of us on her fb page. Not in the 3 years we dated.

My exBPDgf wasn't messy at all. Quite the opposite BUT her apartment lacked everything personal. It more looked like an example apartment they put into IKEA or something like that. Very unpersonal. It always seemed to me that when she had to leave for a cloak and dagger operation she could simply pack her few personal things and flee. Like she could flee whenever she wanted to. So weird. She was not suffering from OCD or something like that, it was just very unpersonal.

First of all my ex was like a nomad, unable to stay in one appartment for long. In the last 1,5 year he lived in 5 different apartments. He was kicked out by every landlord... .Ofcourse never his fault!

His apartments were full of clutter and dirty. He is allergic to dust and he constantly had allergy attacks... .I wonder why!

Clothes everywhere, yes

Clothes everywhere, nothing really personal in decoration, except a huge saddle she bought in preparation for her new life as a ranch-hand after nearly 20 years as a teacher. At 41 years old, her parents came to visit periodically to clean her home top to bottom. It was always kind of clean, but really dark, messy, and cold. Brrrrr.

Well done, you're through it now so well done!


Well done, this is a more practical form of 'splitting', you've done basically what she would do.


Mine's house is very nice, but she does live with her mum. I don't think that she does any cleaning, her room tends to be very messy, but then again so is mine!

Christoff, Thanks for your kind words. Yes, I did make it through, though not without a few tears. Thankfully, my dear sister is here for a short visit, and she sat with me and helped by sitting with me while I cried. If there is to be only one thing I'm thankful for (and I have many things), it's that I'm loved, and I feel fortunate for that. I know the true meaning, and I don't think my borderline ever will.