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I feel like I'm going to be permanently scarred from this relationship. Like, BAD! Its crazy because I was raped when I was 19 and I suffered quite a bit from PTSD, depression, and anxiety for about 5 years following that. But honestly, I feel more messed up emotionally from this relationship than I do from being sexually assaulted. What does that say about this relationship?

I think about the possibility of dating in the far future and while it partially excites me, mostly it scares the living hell out of me. Everything in this life is temporary; I know that. But I can't shake the feeling that the trauma from this relationship is going to stick with me much longer than I ever anticipated. I'm afraid I won't ever be able to let my guard down and trust anyone again. Its hard to separate my feelings of paranoia with the idea of possible romance.

Being single doesn't bother me. In fact, I prefer the lifestyle of it as opposed to being in a relationship. However, I do want children and I don't want to be a single father. And, if I could find my ideal woman, well... .that would be ideal! Part of me feels like I've wasted so much time already. I literally have spent all of my 20s with uBPDwife, being miserable and having nothing to show for it other than shared debt. Part of me is also angry that I didn't spend time in my 20s having fun and dating around like most of my friends did. But... .that's in the past. All I can do is make a better tomorrow. So, I don't want to waste anymore time and start a family but I know its a bad idea to be thinking like that. I need to get my ___ together before even considering getting back in the dating game.

God, this all just sucks. More than anything lately I am dealing with a lot of inwardly pointed rage for not having made better choices (i.e. like ending this relationship 5+ years ago when I wanted to). Anger consumes my daily thoughts and I feel disgusted with myself for having been so weak all this time. I hate feeling so enslaved to such negative emotions. I guess maybe this is somehow my own way of my psyche working things out. At least anger helps to recognize and identify bad choices and helps to build a stronger me to enforce boundaries in the future. I guess I'm angry also because I'm afraid I still won't be able to trust myself to make the best decisions in the future with dating. Its like, "Well dumbass, you managed to get yourself into this pickle and stayed in it for 10 years. What other ways can you find to screw up?"

I don't even know what more to say about it. Really wishing there was a remote control to my life with the rewind button ready.

Tonight I really feel your pain.  Not sure why.  But it will get better.  Try to not to beat yourself up on previous poor decisions and try to focus on making positive ones in the future.  You can do it.  I can do it.  Right?

Yeah I know how you feel man on a certain level at least,  everything is conflicted it's so hard to explain the damage they do to you.

It's almost impossible to look for positives but I do belive that we come out of this with a whole new education on relationship and bonding etc.

If you can stay away and keep up no contact you will start coming back to life,  you just have to go through it until all the withdrawal and fog wears off. Upto two years they say it takes.  Start counting the days

It's do-able. We're all at different points along the path to recovery.

One member here came back after a couple of years to report on how he's doing and he's doing great. Got through it, life is peachy, new relationship, all that sort of thing.

And we can all get to that same point. Hang in there - you might not  be able to see it right now but it's a lot closer than you think.

For me, it took an awful lot of time but there is recovery.

I'm about a year and a half from break up and although the pain is still there and I do have setbacks from time to time, it's much more manageable.

I am in a healthy relationship for half a year now and it keeps surprising me as it evolves.

One thing to note is that the positive outcome for me of recovering from the BPD relationship is that the awareness and tools I acquired through coping made me a better partner and better at relationships in general.  I see that also with my personal friends... .

Hang in there.  It takes time and effort to learn, change, and adapt - but it pays off!

I'm 2 months b/u and 43 days NC. This weekend was a bit of a b___, but overall, it's getting better. I do feel you though. This 16 month r/s break up was worse than the ending of my 18 year marriage when she left me for a friend. My BPD gf did a number on me that has left me a wreck, but I can see a light though. Given a choice, I would rather go back to Afghanistan then be with her again. That's how bad I now realize it was. It was an abusive relationship. Plain and simple.

I believe full recovery is completely possible. I am recovering better than I thought I would and it's only been 5 weeks NC. I was so broken the first week or two I had so much pain in my heart but now I am well on my way to recovery.

When I say full recovery is possible that isn't true. Because if you take the BPD realationship for what it was and learn from it, you will make more than a full recovery and be much stronger. That is exactly what I am in the process of doing right now. I still think about her all the time, miss her terrrribly, and am not getting any closure at all but I am making it through it. NC is a blessing in disguise for me. It is soo painful but it's the best option.

Good luck with your recovery

You are right. We will get better. All of us here will, sooner or later. I have been having mostly positive days since the breakup, but for some reason yesterday was just horrible. I think because I have started reaching out to more friends and family to tell them about the divorce. Its becoming very real that I can't turn back now. I think I just freaked out last night with that realization.

I think the worst part of this breakup is that we are still living in the the same house. So, I have to see her everyday and talk to to her everyday about the care for our dogs. I even have to see my awful replacement/roommate/former best friend with her every day. Things will get better once they both move out and I can start processing alone.

Sending you a great big hug! 

I am in the very early stages of detachment. We still live together and have 4 kids. Been with him for 18 years. I have to have hope that there is life after all of this. I have to have hope that I will recover and things will get better. For me, hanging on to that hope serves two purposes.

One, without that hope, I would see no point in living. Hanging on to that hope gives me something to work towards.

Two, I absolutely, positively refuse to give him that much power over me. I refuse to give up my personal power to some person that did not care about me as much as I cared about him. I refuse to let anybody or anything ruin my life. I will fight tooth and nail to recover and come out of this a better person. It may be a long road and I may have set backs but I refuse to accept the fact that recovery is not possible.

Yep VoC, I got to evict her from my head, thats my problem. She lives there rent free, while im pretty sure I never get a second thought in hers while shes with baldy mcbald bald. Her reality,  im just living in it. I need to get strong  because she coaches our sons VB team. I have to show her shes not a part of my life in anyway, shape or form.

21 months down the line and still struggling. I have setbacks and as the ex is getting married in a few weeks time which for some reason has made me down.

I look back and realise that she was not the woman I first met all those years ago. Also I was stupid to not see all these red flags in front of me, mainly because I was scared of 'rocking the boat'. However, towards the end I was struggling with her and was uncertain about the our future. I guess I should be thankful that she made the decision for us!

I know I will be stronger after this relationship, certainly not as naive as I was with my ex. It's just my confidence is shot to bits, I don't want to go out and then I feel lonely. A bit of a vicious circle really. I don't really have hope for the future.

I know I've had a lucky escape. It just does not feel like it yet!

AT,

you are not alone.  Try and be kind to yourself.  You didn't ask for this and no one walks into a BPD expecting what is going to happen.   We all made the same mistakes... .listen to your own thoughts now.  Be kind to yourself. 

"Freedom is what

you do

with what's been

done to you."   

-Jean-Paul Sartre

Good day All

You definitely recover - It is very possible, but it takes time. For me, it took the following steps:

1. Admit you will never forget. This won't go away.

2. Now, change your perspective about it. Admit it was abusive and that you weren't wrong. Tell people what happened and reconnect with friends/family.

3. Change your perspective further, try and use this for good rather than bad. Go be awesome. Better yourself.

4. Better yourself and know that you moved on and your partner is still stuck where they were (Forever). Go to gym, take a course, get a new job. You have to do it.

5. Celebrate your freedom/new self and the fact that you are now better than before and deserve better.

Just remember: You can't get a healthy, awesome boyfriend/girlfriend if you are not healthy and awesome. Princes and princesses end up together, so become a prince/princess. My exBPD told me that I "do not need her enough" and that one day I will abandon her because I'll be a rich banker, who looks good and can "get any girl". It is my mission to prove her right now. Almost there... .