BPDFamily.com

7 months ago my 43y/o female partner attacked me after I'd returned home late.

She then went to the bathroom ,scratched toothpaste on her chest and neck causing what looks like abrasions,  she returned to the bedroom and said "I'm going to destroy you life."

I had no idea what she meant as she walked out the door.

We had found out a week earlier that she was six weeks pregnant.

She went to the police telling them she had been savagly beaten and kicked repeatedly after being thrown to the floor. she described in detail a story of horrors. police immediately arrested me  without question and I was bailed after 50 hours in custody, I haven't seen my home or possessions since. I guess I never will.

The case has been remanded till next year.

A possible two years awaits me in a new zealand prison.

4 months ago I learned what BPD is and it explained most accurately my former partners issues.

I am curious about thyroid problems common in BPD women. Especially as pregnant women often have thyroid issues. Is it possible that her being pregnant has increased thyroid problems which lead to her extreme episode? 

I did not retaliate at all.  An hour after police report was completed a full hospital examination was also completed. She explained to doctors that she was not sure if she was hit or punched at all and that she thinks she was dragged around the apartment by the throat.

The report mentions a bruise on the back of her hand and no other marks or bruises whatsover.

I have a defended hearing.

What does your crystal ball tell you might happen?

I have a clear record and there had been no issues or police called before.

Ive had a one text from her 7 weeks ago saying "I'm deeply saddened by the shameful situation between us"

To reply is to be sent back to the cells.

She submitted 20 pages of allegations about me attepting to get a permanent protection order.

I replied with evidence and the order was discharged.!

I'd love for her to know what I now know she has.

There's just a chance she may get help and understanding. I've also had to ask myself how Im responsible. Its possible I have dependency issues or dpd. I have some of the symptoms and I stayed putting up with emotional abuse for reasons I'm not really sure of. I really thought things might improve but I didn't know about borderlines then.  The other thing that suggests disorder in me is that I frequently miss her in spite of all the damage. 

In august I was finally informed by police that "there is no baby"

The neigbours and her friends think she is the sweetest thing.

Which she is until... Next minute.full hatred  ... .then back to nice and this escalated.

The smallest things became triggers. Sometimes I didn't even know if there was one. Most other Mens posts have so many striking  similarities to my lady.

Has anyone else noted or found evidence that female Scorpio starsign traits almost explain borderline. ?

I'd be greatful to anyone that can offer advice to me from their experience. 

Buddy,

In Australia NZ's get centrelink.  There is no baby = bloody run. 

I'm sorry to be so blunt. 


AJJ. 

Aussie jj this is the first time ever I have laughed when reading anything from this site  but well said.  I wish someone had told my son to get out... .From a fellow Australian.

Jumping the ditch is always a good option. I have a some good mates up in cairns and get offered jobs there sometimes. But no we don't get centre link.

I'm down in Christchurch. I'm a tiler and there's good opportunities and plenty to do after earthquakes I'm sure you remember. 80% of the city is being rebuilt.

And no I do not mind you being blunt.

A couple of mp's are helping me to amend the domestic violence act so perhaps other men will get a fairer deal.

Its worth a try anyway.

Thanks for commenting.

The first thing you need to do is protect yourself. Go see a mental health professional and explain your situation. They will not be able to diagnose the ex but can give a diagnoses or you which may show you have been in an abusive relationship with a possible BPD. This would only help your case. Next gather evidence of her behaviour. Old emails or texts that may show dysregulation on her behalf. Charecter referances might be useful. Having exs show that you are not violent could help.

Dont antaganise the situation. NC is the key and only have contact through a lawyer. You dont want harrasment addef to the charges.

As for mood changes in pregnancy yes yes yes. It is more likely to be estrogen or progesteron that causes thes. Bith my exs went loopy on oral contraceptives so this is a valid link for me.

I couldnt agree more with having a mental health profesional on your side.  Once, twice a week.  Talk through it all.  Get it all out there with every behaviour she does, ask them to explain it to you why you felt this way etc etc. 

They cant diagnose her, they can say you were in a relationship with a partner that displayed these behaviours. 

End of the deal a mental health profesional is dealing with YOUR perceptions.  Hers are very disordered and different.  Dont be supprised if it takes longer than you expect to clear your name of all of the accusations. 

MIL - Glad you got a giggle. 


AJJ.

Yes, protect yourself.  That is the priority.  If you go down for the count, then you can't help anyone, either her or the child.

Sadly, you can't waste precious time and effort worrying about her or how to help her.  Pregnancy or mood changes probably can't explain all her behaviors.  Maybe some, but not all.  Many new members upon arrival here expressed the hope that telling the other person that they have a Personality Dysfunction would be received well.  Such hopes didn't work out, to the contrary, it intensified the obstructions and overreactions.  With the acting-out PDs - such as Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial, Histrionic or Paranoid - there is typically so much Denial, Blaming, Blame-Shifting, Posturing, etc that you are unlikely to help her.

Repeat, you can't reason with her, there is too much emotional baggage perceived by her in anything you say or do, it is smart to stay in the background as much as possible.  Certainly don't do anything that could be twisted into accusations of harassment, stalking or worse.

The fact is she's an adult and you can't control another adult.  (Believe it or not but you trying to 'help' her could be twisted into claims you're trying to control her!)  Yes, she is effectively trying to control and destroy you by making the worst of false allegations, but your focus needs to be on taking care of yourself.

Now that you know the extent of what she is capable of, the wise course is to Never Again be in close contact with her in non-public and indefensible scenarios.  Many here, myself included, have recorded themselves during child exchanges and other close contact in order to have some 'insurance' that we weren't the ones behaving poorly.

Meanwhile, defend yourself.  Don't admit to anything you didn't do.  Beware of 'plea deals' where you admit some level of guilt.  Such admissions prevent you from making appeals of bad court decisions and don't allow you to state you are innocent.

Have you read Splitting, an essential handbook for both you and your lawyer?

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger

Very likely one legal strategy you can take is to ask the court to order Psych Evals on BOTH of you.  In the USA there are respected tests such as MMPI-2 that assist the other professionals in the case to figure what's really happening.  Court needs to know whether you are psychologically likely to have done the things she claimed and whether she is psychologically likely to have made false allegations as you have claimed.  Anything less and the court won't be able to make an informed decision.