BPDFamily.com

Hi all.

My uBPD mother recently invited me to a therapy session with her that included her therapist and mine. This is the first time she has invited me to an appointment, and I was very anxious going in since she was otherwise not speaking to me and I wasn't sure what she was going to discuss with me. Over the past two years she has been alienating family members, beginning with her sisters and spreading to my sister (her daughter). I was always the last link, but our relationship has been very rocky for the past year or so with periods of her choosing to have no contact with me and then becoming exceedingly angry and hurt that I didn't contact her on holidays when she's told me specifically that she doesn't want to hear from me except in the case of a medical emergency.

My mom started the appointment by taking out handwritten notes about what she wanted to say to me and proceeded to talk about her abusive childhood and marriages, finally getting to the point of telling me that at my sister's recent wedding she realized that everyone treated her terribly, she now sees me differently, and she wants no contact with me (for now). Though I'm usually fairly calm and collected, I interrupted her and said I couldn't listen to this--she had been noticeably high on Xanax at the wedding and spent half the night talking to wedding vendors to tell them how evil her family members are. She gets very defensive when this comes up and says that she "had" to be on Xanax, as if that weren't a personal choice, and continues to displace blame onto others for her choices and actions. Throughout the appointment she blamed me for not stepping in to stand up for her in moments when I wasn't even in the vicinity. Whenever I brought up that it was unfair to blame me for these things, her therapist would step in to say that she wasn't "blaming me--she's just telling [me] about her feelings."

I've always suspected that her therapist goes along with whatever she says and doesn't challenge her to think more rationally--she is not certified in DBT and has never told my mom that she suspects BPD in her 2.5 years of having my mom as a client--and now after being in this session I am honestly terrified that her therapist is empowering her to make choices that are frankly extremely unhealthy. My mom has pushed away all of her family members and friends and claims that she wants to be alone and that she's at peace that way, but it's clear that she's more unhappy than ever and has even threatened suicide when she's alone on holidays (by her choosing). Her therapist has been by her side and has supported this the whole way through.

I have many issues going on right now that I'm trying to work through, including my own upcoming wedding and how much she'll be involved (whether that's up to her or me), but more pressing is the fact that the holidays are coming up again and I know she'll be so angry with me if I don't try to reach out to her. My thought for now is that I'd like to send her an email to simply say that I am respecting her wishes by not talking to her, which includes not talking to her on holidays, and that if she would like me to do otherwise she needs to say so. My hesitation is that she already holds the power here but refuses to see it, and I'm so fed up with willingly handing the power over to her all the time. The holidays last year were difficult for both of us--for her because she thought I was ignoring her out of my own choice, and for me because she had pushed me away and literally told me that she had plans (which was a lie), and then I felt massive guilt when she later berated me through texts for ignoring my mother on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was completely dumbfounded, but she continued to hold to her story that her therapist said I should've known that I should spend time with my mother on holidays.

So I guess I have two questions for those who have been through similar situations. Would it be worthwhile to send an email to my mom regarding the holiday season and explaining that I'm respecting her wishes of maintaining no contact? And is there anything at all I can do about her dangerous situation with a therapist who empowers her to ruin every last one of her relationships? I'll leave all the negative thoughts I have surrounding my wedding to a later date... .

Thank you all so much for reading and posting. I learn a lot through your posts and wish you all well.

I would do anything to get my uBPD mom to go to counseling, but I do see the dangers of a bad counselor. Right now, what I'm working on, is trying to limit my contact with her while I'm still living at home. Then, when I finally move out, go no-contact.

It's interesting how it's your BPD mother who asked for no-contact. I believe its best to honor that, and yes, send her an email to let her know. Now, I understand that BPs are known for changing their expectations without warning, so its important to stand your ground.


That last part is dangerous. Don't even give her an opening to jerk you around like that. She will wield her power by demanding no contact, but when you actually honor that she will feel overwhelmed by a sense of abandonment and lash out with blame. What she wants is for you to violate her wish so that she can feel wanted, but then wield her power again to retaliate and attack you for going against her wish. It's a game you don't need to play.

Set your limits and stick with them. Find support for going no-contact if YOU want no-contact. (Google it. There's a lot of advice on how to do it successfully.) You can block her emails, change your phone number, block her number, screen your calls, etc, even take out a restraining order. (I know it sounds harsh, and it scares me to think I might have to do the same thing.)

It is not a requirement to see her for Christmas. And it is NOT a requirement to have her at your wedding. As far as her counselor goes, there is nothing you can do about that. You cannot control other people. You cannot change the counselor or force your mother to find another one. This is your mother's journey that she will have to walk by herself.

"Would it be worthwhile to send an email to my mom regarding the holiday season and explaining that I'm respecting her wishes of maintaining no contact? And is there anything at all I can do about her dangerous situation with a therapist who empowers her to ruin every last one of her relationships?"

Remember when dealing with uBPDs its a no-win situation. If you send the email you are breaking her "no contact rule" and if you dont, she will rage at you for not giving her attention.

One of my uBPD relatives went into therapy. It was terrible, cause the therapist must had been awful. They created some sort of sick bond and became best friends. They shopped together and she even invited the T to her birthday at home (introduced her to us as her guardian angel, but we knew from a friend she was her T). The T basically joined her in bad-mouthing our family (I suspect for financial reasons) and they used each other. At some point something happened and they were no longer best friends.

This was just a bad T, but from what I have read, Ts may be manipulated by NPDs and BPDs unless they are very good. Maybe your mom and her T just had one of those unhealthy r/s.

I know its tough for you, but Id just stay away as she requested.

Sounds like there are several things going on that are not within your power to control. You cannot control whether your mother seeks advice from a qualified therapist, whether that therapist sees the whole picture or gives good advice, or whether your mother would accept that advice. You also cannot control whether or not your mother feels angry or hurt.

What you can control is how much you allow your own emotions to remain tied up to all of those external forces. You can control whether you take on responsibility for things that are not even within your power to change. If your mother has asked you not to contact her, it sounds like the respectful thing to do would be to honor that request. Any feelings of anger or loneliness she may feel as a result are hers to own and work through. It is not your job to mitigate those for her.

How are you planning to take care of yourself this holiday season?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Smrk, I am clapping loudly and cheering for everything you just said. EXCELLENT advice.

Thank you all so much for your replies. Strangely, my mother sent me an email shortly after I posted to reiterate some of the complaints she shared during the therapy session and to tell me that I clearly don't understand and she's doing what she needs to do to care for herself.

Part of what I struggle so intensely with is that I have been very supportive of my mom over the years, more so than anyone else. She has pushed away my support lately, and I'm hurt by that. I'm going into a helping profession, and I sometimes wonder how I can help others if I can't even help myself or my mom even though I know that isn't fair. I just worry that without support from anyone--which is where she's rapidly heading--she'll have nowhere to turn and may take her own life. I realize it wouldn't be my fault if it came to that, but I know I'd still feel massive guilt.

At times I'm glad she's the one who pushes for these periods of no contact, but then she breaks them whenever she wants by sending me texts or emails when she has more guilt to push onto me. I think I may need to tell her that I'm also choosing no contact for now, but I don't know how to do that without feeling that I'm doing something wrong and potentially dangerous for her. I just can't keep being toyed with in this way with school and wedding planning already on my plate.

In any case, I clearly still have a lot to work on. Thank you all for sharing your advice and helping me work through this.