BPDFamily.com

I just joined this board today after hitting bottom over this past year. I left my job in NJ while pregnant with my second child, to move to PA for BPD husband's new job (1st child was 2.5 at time of move). His parents moved out to live with us 2 months later. I realized quickly that I was controlled by his mother (as was he) and am certain she is a narcissist. It got so bad we asked them to move out, which they did in Dec 2013. Afterwards, we asked them to give us time so my husband could come to terms with what happened and he would be in touch, but it's been monthly (@ minimum) emails, texts, letters, lawsuit threats, etc. She's ruined his relationships with his siblings and has caused great stress between us because for the longest time he wouldn't defend me and basically treated me like I was making it all up. Eventually he got the picture because the last act was her cleaning out an old account her and my husband were both listed on. He found out about it because he was trying to pay credit card debt he was hiding from me (I handle the bills/accts because he's been in debt in the past and I take my credit very seriously).

The constant lying has broken my trust in him completely. He's lied about his sexual past, porn usage/addiction, drug use, credit card use, etc. We moved again last month to CO for a new job for him and were supposed to be "starting over"-when I found out about the latest debt he knew about for mths. I'm guessing he didn't tell me before the move because he knew I would've told him to go and I would stay in PA where I had a job, was closer to family, and had some stability for our oldest. Our oldest, now 3.5, has been acting out, hitting and kicking and showing great anger-especially at me. I have only been in CO for about a mth, but already want to take my 3.5 year old & 1 year old and move back in with my parents (who I am not close to), just to gain some stability for my kids and myself. It would be a decision that makes my life extremely hard as I am due to have my third child mid-January (and I completely regret allowing that to happen). I am considering giving this third child up for adoption as I don't think I'll be able to give it any sort of life that is worth having. I have been beating myself up for allowing myself to get in this situation, for believing the lies that there was a reason for X happening, that he would change, etc.

i just want to be done with this and start the hard work of repairing my life and my children's lives but have no one to really talk to, and no money to see a therapist. Of course, I am promised that he is seeking therapy. Any advice on the best way to proceed would be very much appreciated. I have my own credit cards (which I have removed him from) and my own checking/savings account. My work prospects aren't likely to yield a large paycheck which is the cause for my concern (especially with the cost of daycare) and I wonder if he doesn't see that as the way to keep me here while he continues to do whatever he wants. I don't want the rest of my life or my kids' lives to be ruined by the treatment we receive. Thank you for reading this, I've felt so desperate and alone.

Eek, where is YOUR family?  I don't want to see a situation in which he gets majority custody or 50 percent of your kids' time, so plan wisely.  Not sure how judges are in CO or if you've been there long enough for their laws to apply.  You might post on verbalabuse.com as well (you'll have to call first, for security purposes).  It is hard to be separated/divorced with young kids - something I know well.  But I found it better than looking over my shoulder.  You need to document what's happening before you leave, so you don't end up having a long custody battle with lies he makes up.

avvo.com allows you to ask free legal questions.  You might consider asking questions to lawyers in CO and PA to see if there is any major benefit to divorcing in one state over another.  I did find (keep in mind it is just a website)  that it takes 90 days to gain residency in CO. www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/colorado-divorce-32142.html  PA is 6 months. www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/pennsylvania-divorce-31770.html

Another thought is to go to PA and divorce there.  There might be legal hoops to jump through if you divorce in CO and then want to move the kids to PA.  Then the question would be if you can just move the kids before you are a legal resident of CO to PA without your H being able to legally stop you.  

Catnap has a point, establishing residency regarding custody issues takes 6 months.  If you return to your prior state then presumably you could view and describe your prior departure as though you were just 'away' or 'helping him move'.  What you don't say is that you moved away and then moved back, well, not without legal advice.   Then you'd be able to file without waiting 6 months and he wouldn't be able to file where he is for a few more months and likely not be able to challenge your choice to file in the state you have resided in.

I have two thoughts regarding adoption... .  First, you may not be able to put a child up for adoption without his cooperation as father.  Second, you're in a distressing situation right now and once you are in a better and more healthy environment your options may look brighter.  For all you know, you may decide that having 3 children isn't that much harder than having two children.  You never know. :light:

It's possible that if you move back to residency state, he might just stay where he is.  Then a divorce might be less difficult with him at a distance than if he was right there with you.  (Or since he appears to be a Controller, he might move right back if his real reason for the move was just to isolate you from your family and friends who could provide emotional support.)  Either way, as much as we respect the concept of matrimony, in the face of his many poor behaviors it's probably best to return to where you have support, stability and resources.

If you haven't been in CO long enough to establish residency, aren't you still a resident of your previous state?

That sure makes sense. :light:  I'm sometimes too cautious about things that could get litigated.  After all, IANAL - I am not a lawyer.