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Generally now most of the verball abuse and name calling I receive I manage to let wash over me now and the main problems I have are just frustration and exhaustion from the never ending complaining and self centredness but there is still the occasional thing that touches a nerve.

Yesterday I persuaded her to go off with her mother for the day.  While she was away I took the kids swimming then thought I'd pop out and see my friends for a bit in the pub so I phoned my mum to ask if she's have the kids for a few hours.  She hadn't seen the eldest for a few weeks so was quite happy to do this.  My girlfriend always says all I ever to is palm the kids off to my parents when she's away but this is the first time for months I've asked.

Anyway, as mum was getting the kids ready to come home dad was rushing around and fell over, banging his head, elbow and hip quite badly.  GF did manage to ask if my dad was ok when I told her but then also started to make out it mas my fault as I'd asked mum to have the kids.  When I didn't bite at this she then asked if the kids had seen him fall as it wasn't fair on them to be put in this situation.  The implication being that it was my fault that they'd seen this happen and I shouldn't go asking my mum to have the kids again while she's away.  She's quite happy to let mum have the kids when I'm at work mind! 

Gotta admit it did get to me a bit but I think its more that I'm a bit worried about my dad as he gets older but him and my mum love having the kids at time so wouldn't want to stop this.

I'm really sorry about your Dad's accident, Yaffle... .Is he Okay today? I hope that he recovers really soon 

Yeah, it really is true that no matter how carefully we navigate our relationships with our BPD loved ones, when things get tricky, it really can hurt. Trying to not take things personally when our loved one blames us for stuff that doesn't make sense is hard sometimes... .

It does sound like you've learned how to do that most of the time, though, and that is great! I guess when it involves our parents or other family members, the old defensiveness can turn up and make it a bit harder to detach from hurtful comments. Keep up the good work, Yaffle; I think you are really doing a good job  |iiii

Thank you.  Dad wasn't too bad yesterday - well he managed to potter around a golf course anyway, although he was falling asleeep while eating food.  I have learned to not take most things personally thankfully.  Just wish I had time to study the illness more and practice my reactions etc but as I only get chance to look on here when at work then its difficult.

Hi Yaffle   

It's good to hear from you, and it sounds like you are making some progress with keeping your own boundaries. I also hope your Dad is feeling better, and it is awesome that you have parents who love to watch your kids that live close by!  |iiii

My parents (also getting more frail) love our two boys, but they live 3000 miles away - not so good for a quick break. I also get a fair bit of criticism for what and how I manage with my sons when I am with them on a solo weekend or so forth. It really does hurt to be criticized and held to a double standard - completely understand how you might feel angry and undermined.

The thing that really helped me get past being hurt was someone on this site asking me what would happen if I just did what I thought was best or what I wanted to do with my sons without engaging my wife. That has worked out a lot better for both of us. I don't ask questions, seek consent or really care what she says or thinks about what I choose to do with the kids. I know that I am a good dad, that I love my sons, support them and encourage them. When my uBPDw attacks me for something I am doing with the kids, I validate that she is upset, tell her I don't agree and keep on going with what I am doing.

Last night, my S9, S3 and I were making fruit kebobs for his class to celebrate S9's birthday. We didn't have enough skewers, wife was dysregulating throughout the evening and was tired, so I took the boys to the store (5 minutes from the house) to pick up some skewers. My wife came downstairs and began grilling me on why I'd take the kids out after dinner on a school night and why not just make fruit salad. Well, my S9 already had his school birthday celebration on Monday forgotten by everyone (except for me who was never told about it), had this idea of what he wanted to do for the snack. But I didn't JADE any of it. I simply said we were all going and would be right back. The kids and I had a great time making the kebobs - made an assembly line of fruit to put on the skewers. Everyone had a job to do. They felt empowered. I felt empowered. I think that's the gist of it. The more you empower yourself as a dad, as a person, the better off you will be, and oddly, it may help your wife too.

Let us know if you find any success in trying a new approach. And again, it sure sounds like you are finding your way through better and better.  |iiii