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Why do they have to triangulate ?

I guess mainly supply, attention, making all revolve around them... .They play the victime well and somehow we always want(ed) to be the rescuer.

In previous discussions on triangulation, it was mostly suggested that this is part of the "___ test". It's an efficient way to see how deep they have sunk their hooks into you.

I think it also goes further than that. Where triangulation involves an ex, it gives the ex the opportunity to "make good" before she really moves on. Where a new party is involved, it's just part of the aforementioned test to see how much you'll put up with.

The first time I was triangulated (with an ex) I got up and said, "you've got my number. Maybe when you sort yourself out you can give me a call". Now why didn't I just walk out at that point?

I've since encountered BPD again. She tried the triangulation and after saying the same words above, I got up and actually left this time. I never heard from her again.

Sorry to break it to you but it is to abuse you also. It is to show that you are not their world and that they have "other options". They try their best to bring others into the relationship in order to hurt you and to force a reaction. It is a way to manipulate. A sad reality.

They can't tell you how to meet their needs, so they use a third party to manipulate you into it, or perhaps to use the third person's opinions as they doubt you'll respect their opinions. They want you to fight for them.

It is also a way of securing a back-up if the r/s with you should fail.

To avoid intimacy.  It is an avoidant way of dealing with difficult situations or feelings.

Triangulation isn't solely inherent with personality disorders. It is present in everyday situations and we may not be aware that one party is talking to another party. I'm not saying that all members triangulate their partners at all times. There are two sides to every story and sometimes we may give a description that leans on the side of judgment and triangulate our ex partners unintentionally. Triangulation is common in day to day life.

Triangulating?  I wish it was that way with my BPDxGF.

I, unbeknownst, encountered octagonulating - my exGF's expertise via control and manipulation of her guy "friends".

This so true and it took me a long time to realize I actively engaged in triangulation most of my childhood and young adult years. I think it some ways it can help solidify bonds with one or only certain people of a particular group, but as we all know it can cause a lot discord. Its something I actively work on when I'm feeling trapped or misunderstood.

when i would attempt to put my foot down against my ex's triangulation, he would scream, "i'm just going to be alone! y'all both drive me crazy!" AS IF IT WAS OUR FAULT we were in this situation of his doing. it was absolutely crazy-making   i would plead with him, "i'm your girlfriend! why aren't you loyal to me?" but the triangulation was never ending. it even got to the point where his ex began to cyber bully me... .and yes, my ex was aware of this and let her.


my ex loved to use his ex's thoughts / opinions against me. one of my "favorite" instances was when he said, "[my ex] is right - you can't give me the future i deserve!" i was speechless.

I'm sorry you had to go through that pieceofme. It's stressful, hurtful and frustrating


What sort of future does your ex think he is entitled to?


Look at this quote and his behavior and his exe's behavior both emotionally immature acts. Water seeks it's own level. Your ex and his ex are enabling each others bad behavior. The truth is your ex is insecure and likely his ex is as well too right? She's likely just as emotionally immature as he is. Take the high road in triangulation and disengage. Triangulation is like a 3 legged stool. Remove one of the legs and the stool collapses. Did you get in touch with authorities with her cyber-bullying? Did it get to a point where it warranted getting cops involved?

She did it with two or 3 friends , she told her mom how bad I was through out the relation ,the last person she was counting on is the one who she shares one room in his house with his boyfriend , she made me look like a horrible person to any one she encounter , I use to hate that to the max I am a public figure in my community with my business it was hurtful what more can I tell MUtt that you don't know yet ?

I bought her just before she left a  I pad the thin one the same night she was on it she was triangeling with some strange looking girl from another state helping her out with her BPD while she was on a call with her she told What are you doing here give my space with a hateful voice .

Oh man I can't tell you more and more hateful things even around my family visiting , they like what are you doing with this she does not deserve you one minute .

I think she is going through the same thing she did with me with the new guy till he sees her for what she is it won't long but I hope and wish I will be long gone .


let me add it's so sad to see this patterns and stay foot  I want to help her wake up  but I have no choice , she will burn herself and the new guy he will be joining this site pretty soon

What also kills me is she is asking me to buy her a twin mattress cause she can't sleep well and said I want to rent a studio so I will live alone and where the money is coming from she said there when you come in the picture , lol and switch to in a few minutes I want make this room am staying in like it belong to me then hit with the marriage think to a guy that respect her and make her laugh really ?

Triangulation creates chaos.  PwBPD LOVE chaos.  Simple as that.

Smear campaign is different guy4caligirl than triangulation. They are scary and frightful.

She was devaluating you to anyone that would give her the attention. She was feeling high anxiety and stress. Who owns these actions? She does.


They lack impulse control and the ability to look long-term and are self destructive. Black and white thinking causes considerable collateral damage. Triangulation is all around us and not specific to a person with a personality disorder.

I see triangulation as a person (usually someone with BPD in our case) bringing a third person into a conflict to side with them/validate them.  Just had this happen recently with my SO's uBPDxw and her 2 daughters.

My SO was accused by uBPDxw of wanting to take D14 off of a medication she is on.  Not true daughter has been having nausea and dad set up an appt for D14 to see her doctor and simply asked if the nausea could be a side effect of her medication.

Mom got that all twisted around into you want to hurt my baby by taking her off her much needed medication!  Drama!  She actually texted D14 during school with message that she was in some kind of distress which scared D14.  Once D14 was between classes she called her mom to find out what was the matter.  Mom told her that dad wants to take you off your medication!  D14 told her you scared me in the middle of school to put me in the middle of you and dad?  Mom got called on her stuff and hung up. 

Was it over? Of course not... .Mom had visitation with D14 last weekend and continued to push the medication drama with D14.  Mom is frustrated with D14 not siding with her against dad (who hasn't done any thing  ) D14 stands up for herself and mom starts getting mean and bullying her. uBPDmom still doesn't get the reaction from D14 that she wants so she calls D18 away at college in another state to bring her into the drama... .the third side of the triangle. At this point D14 wants to go home to dad she's had enough.

By the way mom has split the girls D18 is the all good child - she plays along with mom to get what she wants and D14 is the all bad child - she confronts and sets boundaries doesn't play along. 

D14 came home and said "I suppose you know what's been going on" and I said "yes, your home now so just relax"  We had a nice weekend together and dad had a nice talk with her later.  We do our best to support and help both girls negotiate their mother but I will admit to giving a little extra to the younger daughter she is handling things in a healthier way than her older sister but it is a rockier road she's on.

Is triangulation done on purpose or is it on a subconscious level? Do they bring that 3rd person in purposely or does it just kinda happen on its own?

That's a good question. I think it's subconscious and it happens on it's own. That said after all of the reading I have done on BPD I have triangulated uBPDw unknowingly in my separate T sessions besides the marriage counseling sessions. Often I was triangulated by uBPDw in marriage counseling, very frustrating.

Panda38 good example of a Karpman Drama triangle.

uBPDxw is waifish and making her self look victimized and wants sympathy. She is in position of victim on a Karpman Drama triangle. This puts SO in the position of persecutor in the triangle by calling D14 and devaluating your SO, she could have been rescuer. D14 has good boundaries and ex SO split her black because she's not enabling behaviors. D14 is removed from the triangle because of said boundaries and ex SO is still feeling victimized and is now going to D18.

I am really embarrassed to write this, but my ex had an affair in her husband with me. I can't believe I stooped low that but she got  me at a time when I was extremely vulnerable. She made her husband out to be this terrible monster and me being the codependent had to save her. I'm sure that her husband  wasn't nearly as bad as she made him out to be. But i guess i expirenced triangulation because she didn't leave her husband right away. I was aware of him but he was not aware of me. I can't believe what did and what I put up with in that relationship... .its sad

Hi BlackandBlue,

Don't be hard on yourself. We're all here for different reasons and experience a great deal of pain. The common denominator with everyone is that we're here to understand what happened, heal, self discovery, growth and learn the complexities of a difficult disorder. I think that's what's important.

To ease their cognitive and psychological load, and as someone else mentioned, it injects a significant amount of interpersonal space into the mix.  BPD is always locked in a desperate struggle against their arch enemy: intimacy. 

How do you help a child get out of triangulation? My ex is classic NP and my D11 is being triangulated with his gf. D11 sees a T but I don't think her T truly gets his NP traits and what he is capable of. What can I read, research to help my daughter? It is getting worse. I think ex keeps D and GF at odds because they both compete for his attention. Makes me 

What is your custody and access like? Ex is  narcissistic?

Yes he is narcissistic, undiagnosed but my daughters T, my T (who met him while we recycled serveral years ago) and after reading about NP I have no doubt that is what he is.

Our custody is 50/50, we agreed on that in the very beginning, before I knew about NP and I was very much in the FOG. We have week on/week off schedule with a mid-week overnight. Good news is D11 is very open with me and isn't afraid to talk about it. I just don't know how to help her  . I validate, never talk poorly about dad and validate more. But I see her suffering and it breaks my heart. I just have to make sure there isn't more I could be doing you know. She is 11, perceptive, sees her dad's behavior, knows it is wrong but still longs for his love and attention.

I'm 40. My dad has narcissistic traits, a narcissistic parent and he doesn't give attention. It's a part of his personality. I would suggest re-posting your query on the co-parenting board to get the best help for D possible.