BPDFamily.com

Good day Family

I thought this is a good topic to talk about or even reminisce about (Not a positive reminisce). Today I went and had lunch on my own at my favourite cafè. Sat there as calm as can be and had a great lunch. No tension, no problems, just me and a good book and some awesome burgers and cappuccino. As I drove back to work, I couldn't help but think how tense I used to be when I used to have lunch with my BPDex. The anxiety, the stress, the knots in my stomach. The constant worry about "what will set her off this time". The controlling behaviour, the constant talking about her only. The way she made my whole day "irrelevant" and my feelings and emotions futile.

I think it is soul destroying how they can make us tense in even the most normal of circumstances. And when we try to do something for them it gets worse. When we try doing nothing and just going with their flow - Just as bad. I NEVER, EVER want to be NEAR a BPD girl again. I can not go back to that. I am in to good a space now.

I can't help but think that this is, yet again, such conclusive proof that we are all so much better off without them. I can't believe how much I appreciate just having a quiet lunch - By myself! It is so nice not to be responsible or someone else's emotions, especially when that someone will be set off at any time - It's just a matter of time.

I feel free today. More and more free every day. For all the newbies, hang in there. Just know that you don't need to answer to a controlling person anymore and try and tell me that's a bad thing?  lol

Excellent post. Thanks for sharing. I do the same thing, feel the same thing and for the same reasons. Isn't it a huge relief to have that horrible weight off your shoulders?

I can actually have a laugh now without worrying about how it will be perceived.

Good luck in your recovery.

Indeed it is. They suck the life right out of you. Always about them. Always. Sometimes my ears burn because Im sure shes boring the new guy to death on how bad a man I was, didnt understand or meet her needs, and Im sure he's saying the same crap I said... Got to laugh at ___. Not my circus... .not my monkeys

Absolutely. Not my circus... .In my native language we have a saying: "Those ducks do not belong in my lake".  lol

Yep, the life does get sucked right out of you. Can't help but be glad not to have to worry about that anymore. It's scary how much I got done in the months that I am no longer with her. As for the new guy. Poor new guy... .Poor, poor new guy.

I'd like to echo what you have said P2.

I could feel the tension build as I drove closer to home (after work, or where ever).

With a racing mind, I wondered what will it be today?

More silent treatment?

More sullen, silent, festering anger?

More pouting?

Temper tantrums? Wadded up face of disgust to remind me how much he hated me?

Or would it be more attempts to prove I am stupid, and he is far superior above me?

Would it be the 'dog in heat' groping?

Manipulation?

Or would I have to 'read' his mood then move heaven and earth to 'make him happy, build him up, encourage him'

Or would I have to clean up another mess he has made?

Yeah, I miss that N-O-T!

It took time to 'see' things in a real, factual, logical way.

It took time to purge the "feelings and emotions" out of my thoughts.

But it was worth it.

It was SO worth it.

I look back at the last 3 years and think "WHAT A WASTE of my time".

The LESS I think about him and the 25 years with him... .the better off I am!

And then I think no more about it and get on with my 'present and future plans"!

I totally second this! I can now go and meet my friends without being accused of cheating or being a lesbian! (Nothing wrong with being a lesbian btw, im straight have a very close female friend and he was always threathned by her somehow so came up with this nonsense idea we were having an affair... )

I live in a major city and me and some friends are planning a night out. Since I live near the city centre most of them are staying over at my place. I would never have been able to do this when with my dBPDexbf. He'd say I was planning an orgy no doubt.

I have high morals and values, I dont sleep around, always have been monogamous even in crisis rs. He was the one who has never been faithfull in any rs he had... .Projection!

Man I couldnt even go to the bathroom or take telaxing shower. Not responding to a message or call within 10 seconds would mean RAGE and accusations.

My life is so much calmer and stable! Never want to go back EVER!

Funny thing about my case Pieter, is that my replacement is an old college buddy of hers. Hope he realizes that although he may feel he knows her, he doesnt "know" her. Time has only enhanced her crazy... .

This was the scariest to me and the one thing I could probably never forget. I used to get this scary "wadded up face" as well. It looked like I disgusted her so much and I could never believe that ANYONE would EVER look at me like that. I have never talked about any person with a disgusted face like that, EVER.

True - I knew mine for 2 years. Never knew. Yep yep, he'll find out and it will be funny to us. Not to him lol

Cheaters never win.

Winners, never cheat.

I feel sorry for mine's replacement... .he will pick someone vulnerable, attach, and suck them dry.

I don't wish that on anyone.

And I hope he does not pick a woman with young kids / or makes more kids... .

What happened to me was evil... .and I do not wish that kind of evil, on anyone.

Oh yes the detached projector face... .The "hate" stare and cold behaviour... : 

The worst for me was the abandonned child trip. This would follow after a rage. I would have been completely insulted, crushed to the core and then he would start crying and have pity on himself    he would literally fall to the floor or stamp his feet, bang his fists on the table and cry and cry for an hour! It always confused the ___ out of me. First you rage, yell and accuse me of the most horrible acts and then you throw a pity party? I didnt know what the hell was up with that. In the beginning I would sooth and give in to his pity like a mom would comfort her 3 year old. After numerous ___ fits like that I'd start to throw my own ___ fit as reaction to the nonsense and then in the end when I realised that wasnt helpfull either I'd just excuse myself politely and remove myself from the situation. At thats when he would find "another" who would be his mommy to comfort him.

Feel sorry for the replacement... .Hope she does a better job then I did and has boundaries of steel! I sure didnt!

I hear ya GP. Mine could have had it all. I loving,caring guy with a good career and plenty of love for her and her 5 kids as well as my 2, but, hey, couldnt met the requirements anymore, so bye bye Deeno, on to someone else... .lol

Deeno,

I think you should be glad as well. I'm starting a new job, just got another qualification and will be working in a very prestigious company as a senior manager from December. My family and friends celebrate with me. Imagine how she would have wrecked it. I would have not been able to talk about it at all and all my accomplishments would have been seen as arrogant. It would have been ruined by her. Be glad, because your good career, your good qualities etc. were broken down - Not celebrated.

Oh, I know... .now. At the time I thought I was being the consumate gentleman. Helping her through the tough times, encouraging her to get her certifcations to coach, helping with kids schedules... etc.etc. She had very very limited interest in my career, or life except when it suited her. It is what it is... .and I am glad. Hope this new guy makes more money, has more time, has a bigger penis, has a bigger house, has a nicer car, and a lower tolerance for BS than I did, or he will be joining me on this website if he doesnt see through her crap and run... .

Pieter I too had that awful gut wrenching tension and knots in my stomach. I kept telling myself (and ignoring it for a while of course), that this was concerning. In the last 6 months, it seemed like that happened every single time before I was due to spend time with her. When we went out for lunches it was the same - constant talking only about her. My fake smile and pretending to happy and discuss her topics. It is now so nice to spend time with genuine friends where anything can be talked about, you are asked questions about what you think, or what's happening in your life, you can laugh and it will be okay. You can in effect, have a normal conversation and actually give your opinion or say what you think without that being criticised or argued or corrected. What a relief. Glad you got some nice feelings over lunch by yourself.

The walking on eggshells is awful.  Here's a pretty typical example of an interaction with my uBPDw (who is a stay at home Mike and feels overwhelmed):

Me: (After a long Saturday where I took care of kids from 8:00 to 3:00, then had to go to work from 3:00 to 8:00). "Whew!  I'm tired!"

UBPDw: "You do realize that I have to do this every day, all by myself, with no support, and after getting no sleep because I have to nurse the baby?"

Me:  "I know--that sounds really hard.  I can't imagine how hard that is."

UBPDw: "no, you don't know!  I get no appreciation!"

Me:  "look, I really do appreciate all that you do and am sorry you feel unappreciated."

UBPDw:  "whatever.  You don't appreciate me."

Conversations like this make me afraid to even mention that I'm tired now!  And now she's mad that I'm less communicative with her than before!  Unbelievable.

LOL! I had a similar thing. She had 5 kids and I had 2. I would tell her about stuff with my kids and how I had to go get one from college, or take one to practice, yada yada yada, she would look at me and say "You only think your busy, you only have 2 kids, I have 5". Yeah, I get that. She also failed to take into account that I was also taking her kids to practices and such as well. Oh well, simple oversight I guess. So, I didnt say a word.