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So I have firmly swung my stick at the beehive of emotions and I'm bracing for the fallout from this mornings argument and my question to her.

Asked her today if it's time for us to file after another morning of omni-directional anger that "wasn't about you" from my dBPDw. She has translated that to me asking for a divorce, when I am asking her is if she can see a way that we can go forward or if it's time for us to really logically consider ending the marriage.

I do not want to divorce her, but I also don't feel like I'm even in a marriage anymore so I'm now weighing the costs heavily as to the true pros and cons of the situation. We have a son that I don't want to have exposed to his mother's anger anymore, and I have myself that want's to stop being triggered by her triggers and have some peace again in this house.

We were separated for a year (and it was great) and have been back together since March. She closed down intimacy again in June and has been a yo-yo of in or out emotions and actions since then. In the same bed, but wrapped in separate blankets. Want's to spend the weekend as a family, goes to see her friend and get's pissed when my son and I come up with alternate plans. Runs to the store for milk, comes back 4 hours later and wonders why I'm irritated. Complains and complains but of course no action is taken to correct most things, and any action I take is me telling her what to do.

I'm at a loss and at a turning point. I know that I don't need her in my life.

I know that I love her and I want her in my life.

I know that I cannot allow myself to stay exposed to this for much longer and it has to change.

Change is coming soon, either together or apart.

Hey Tired Dad, Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are seeking permission from your W to move forward, either together or apart.  Why do you need her approval?  Why not just do what's right for you and your son?  Waiting for her to give you the green light one way or the other could be a thankless vigil.  Lucky Jim

Jim,

I can see where I come off that way and there may be some of that mixed in. I have a strong military and management background and though most people often think of that as relying on authority I often seek to implement change through buy in and acceptance and I'm very successful at it. I don't feel a need for her permission or approval from her to move forward, however I do feel that a frank discussion about what direction we can tolerate together or apart is in order. The post you read is a truncated version of what I originally typed out in a stream of consciousness rant and it did leave out that we have been making some moderate progress on therapy, enough progress to make a decision to divorce without discussion premature.

To state what I need clearly is that I need from her to tell me if she has the energy to keep trying or not, and if she is unable to do that ... .well, that's an answer all on it's own isn't it.

This is me throwing in my effort one last time to see if we are capable of moving forward ... .or if it's time to move on. If I get her in a window of clarity we may have a chance, if it's all rage and anger at this then there's my answer once again.

As much as it sounds deflecting I do feel that we made this marriage what it is and isn't together and that the decision to end should at least be attempted as a discussion and not as a threat or ultimatum.

Update: So I have met with some unexpected success with this.

Today we sat down on our own and calmly without a therapist or other "referee" and were able to discuss what the underlying issue was that caused yesterday's outburst and to let her know that for me it is not acceptable to bring that much anger into the morning routine.

Not fully trusting of the current truce, and tomorrow will tell me more but we will see what the day brings.

hi Tired Dad.


could you speak a bit about what that underlying issue was?

Hi Tired_Dad,

Do you keep a journal?  It will help you discern if there is true movement forward or if this the more typical push and pull of a relationship with a BPD.  The yo-yo between fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment. 

It will also help you be honest with yourself.  Abuse amnesia, not wholly forgetting but forgetting the frequency and severity, is very real.  As we so much want to hold onto the good, to hold onto our dream.

You need to be honest with yourself if it is the true her you are loving, or what you have constructed in your mind. 

Your son is seeing all of this and wanted or unwanted it is a model for him.

Hey Tired Dad,

The "current truce" that you describe, in my experience, is unlikely to last very long.

Agree w/HardDaysNight: there is a tendency to minimize abuse, because it's hard to admit to oneself how bad things can get.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

Thank you all for the responses and address your questions.

The underlying issue that morning was that she had a significant bad event with a client and their mother at work the day before and now is suspended and facing litigation over an accused HIPPA violation. The client was one that she was overly sensitive and triggered by and the mother is either BPD or NPD by my wife's descriptions of their interactions and without elaborating too much it has led to an the issue at hand which led to a period of omnidirectional anger that I've come to know so well and won't stand for anymore.

As for a journal. No, I no longer keep one. As for abuse amnesia that is not an issue for me, my issue has been putting my foot down and setting clear boundaries for myself. Very often my sense of loyalty and perseverance gets a bit jumbled up and I just push through instead of setting limits and standing firm.

And as for the current truce... .though I know it's never far from another storm she is progressing and is meeting with a new DBT group as soon as the insurance approves it so it may last longer then normal. She's currently scarred that I am going to leave as this was the first time that I suggested divorce to her and following on the heels of long separation she knows that I don't need her in my life, that I choose to have her in my life and in a very direct way she was told that in our session today.

I know that I am making progress for me, and this will either turn into a manageable condition in a respectful relationship or I will divorce her. As stated in earlier posts I have a lawyer fund established and a fully supportive family that will help my son and I through wherever this goes.