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"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."  In Good and Evil, by Friedrich Nietzsche. 

You need to be careful if you decide to stay.  If you have kids, your job would be to make sure your kids don't become the next vicious cycle.  Just something to think about and would love to hear your thoughts.

Hey Pou,

Well, Nietzsche also said, "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I think anyone is a r/s with a pwBPD has a good chance of catching fleas  my-issues .  It's almost inevitable, because a pwBPD will goad, bully and abuse you until you react, then the pwBPD can become the victim.  Then the cycle starts all over again, in my view, with the pwBPD becoming the victimizer until you crack and they can become the victim again.

And, like Nietzsche's theory of the eternal return, the cycle repeats, over and over.

Lucky Jim

LuckyJim, I like to re-intepret Nietzsche by saying that because we know the cycle exists, therefore we can empower ourselves to break the cycle.  We can be victorious by stay firm, not crack and see through the abyss that PDs waking up to everyday and use empathy to plant our foot firm.  I am saying this with lots of horrible experiences with my NPD.  My kids give me the conviction to never become part of the abyss and will handle whatever comes my way dish out by my NPDw.  It is hard, very hard, but a battle worth of fighting using peaceful approach… not going to cure the NPD or make it better... but enough to keep myself centered and be there for my kids.  we all need a purpose to live ... and if my life is to fight the monster and give my kids a full filling childhood… then I am fine with that.  Because I feel right about that and that is a large part of my purpose in life.  It also makes me happy and make me deal with NPDw better… at least mentally.  But if you are not knee deep in fighting a monster yet, your best recourse is to get the heck out!  Don't waste your life be involved with fighting a demon that doesn't exist and only invented by your partner … everyday life is reduced down to nothing when you have to deal with it constantly. 

There's a similar quote.


I became angry and resentful in the marriage. A person I am not. To myself, I gave into resentful and angry feelings because I was trying to make my voice heard with my ex and her anger triggered me. I felt like I had changed into something that I wasn't proud of, kind of looking at the dark side and becoming an angry person, that anger reflects back. I felt consumed with negative feelings.

I'm indifferent now to her anger and resentfulness. I'm emotionally disconnected and I don't give into my angry impulses. I let go of those impulses and emotions.  We trigger each other less and the cycle of conflict ends. It takes one person to break this conflict. I chose to stop by changing how I react to someone else's feelings by depersonalizing.

Matt, well said... .we all forced to grow and become a better person if we are able to weather the storm.  hope newbies on this board will be able to see through the bull that PDs dish out and handle them with a strong character... .very hard, but must be done. 

You put that well, Mutt.

Agree, Pou.  It is hard, but the alternative -- to succumb -- is worse.

LuckyJim