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Saw my T today.  Trying to understand why I keep looking, looking, looking at my ex's FB and, more importantly, how to STOP. 

She said, I'm not sure you need to fight that urge, maybe just go with it.

She is a trauma therapist, trained in EMDR, etc. and well-versed in Cluster B r/s.  BTW, she suggested that my ex is NPD, not BPD, but that is another thread altogether.

What do you think?  Has anyone had similar counsel?  I'm not sure what the rationale is--desensitization, maybe?  We didn't have time to delve into that.

She also suggested that it's not necessary to stop making attempts to talk to him.  She said, you are learning when you do that.

She said NC is sorta old-school and '70s-ish and she would only recommend that in the most extreme circumstances.  <---she is leaning toward this approach when it comes to my NPD mother, however.

I'm not sure what to think of all this.  I trust my T, have seen her for years.

I think its going to hurt man... It hurts me seeing guys light up the page, and with the attention seeking intentional or not its gonna be rough.

I think and I can only speak for myself is if she put up something like I'm dating this guy now... .I could then allow myself to stop as all hopes gone, and their is absolutely no point looking at it then.

Now if your looking to pick fights, or comment, etc. then I'd say thats beyond unproductive and you need to stop that part of it.

In my honest opinion, sometimes you need to let yourself make the mistakes.  I find that the things I most regret are the things that I held myself back on.  And I hold back enormously.  I never wanted NC, but my BPDex found a replacement and I couldn't handle a triangle so I stopped contacting him, and he never contacted me until a year later, and I responded. I don't regret it. It gave me the opportunity to grow (during the NC), and then to see him after a period of time where I did significant work.  Anyway... .I think we judge ourselves too harshly.  I think the thing about facebook creeping etc. and being int ouch with your ex, distracts you from moving forward. But if you can move forward, and maybe facebook creeping gives you more insight that helps you to move on... .it's not so bad.  Good luck.   The main point is that you move forward towards a life that is more suited to meeting your own needs.  

I deactivated all of social media accounts to help with my triggers. I used e-mail and cell to stay in touch. Peeking did more harm than good. After a few months I came back to social media and didn't have  urges to peek and still don't. Work on your triggers. Do what works for you.

We aren't FB friends, I'm just flat-out stalking him (and he is stalking me, too).  The more I tell myself to stop, the more I want to look.  Maybe that is my T's point... .a kind of "lean in" thing?


Yeah, I understand this, both sides.  I do see evidence of the disorder I hadn't consciously admitted before (which helps me learn to accept).  But I also think I am longing to turn back the clock, to think this has all just been a huge misunderstanding.

Another thing my T doesn't believe in is that you have to take X amount of time off of dating.  She said, you learn through living.  It might be a good idea to meet other people, spend time with them, learn, heal.

I tried that early on but it made me feel even more isolated and lonely. I have a lot of friends who shoot the breeze on FB, share funny stuff, music, etc.  Most of us have school-aged children and so it's hard to get out and do other distracting things.  I sorta ended up feeling like I'm not letting him take that away from me.  95% of my FB time is funny and enjoyable.  Honestly even checking his page doesn't upset me, there is nothing upsetting there.  I do feel like it's keeping me from letting go, though.  I still think of him as part of my life, somehow.

Edited:  Or maybe it's not that FB is keeping me from letting go, as much as it's a sure sign that I haven't.

This would telegraph a   for me and I'd start looking for another T. That's just me. Is it healthy coping?


I sent people in my family pictures of the kids by email. There are other ways to stay "connected"

I sat out for three years between my last two r/s.  It's definitely not my coping mechanism, but I know what you mean.

I don't know... .like I said, I trust her.  Trying to get in another r/s may not be healthy, but casual dating, spending time with people?  I'm not sure.  It seems like it could be okay.

I misinterpreted. It's you don't need X amount of time not using people as transitional objects to cope. I'm sorry.

I trust her, she has been with me through several really difficult times, and she is wise and well-educated.

I'm wondering if she is implying that "what you resist, persists."  Bc I felt like an enormous weight was lifted in this session.  I feel like maybe she is saying that it's part of the grief/healing process and it will lessen as I get through time.

I will say, too, she does NOT feel like my ex is the worst, or a predator, she thinks he is "very limited" and that I still love him (and I agree on these points). 

She is far more concerned with my r/s with my mother, who she does believe is malignant.  That is the person she thinks I may need to NC.

Ask her next session.

I agree with you, hang on to a good T that syncs with you. I'm happy to hear you had a good session.

I think we all know our limits and if it hurts bad enough you will stop looking, contacting, etc. At 14 months out I refuse to look or speak to anyone about her.i actually saw her cousin today and we spoke for a good half hour. I didn't bring up ex one time. I am all but recovered yet I just don't want to go there. Too many bad memories and last time I looked about 6 months ago I was triggered for days and there wasn't really anything to see.

Have you considered what you are getting out of this behviour?

I won't encourage anyone to do it. Counter productive and frankly, I don't give a ___.

Apologies if this has been mentioned already, but - why not just use the 'Block' function? That way, it's impossible for either of you to see each other at all. And it can't be enabled again unless you re-invite them to be a friend, which presumably you wouldn't.

If you're getting something out of it, why not continue.

If it's a pattern that's holding you back, stop doing it.

When and if you're really done, it won't be an issue.