BPDFamily.com

I've looked back a lot (as you can imagine) over my relationship and I've come to the conclusion that my ex partner already knew she had BPD but didn't tell me. She had BDD and OCD but had a care worker assigned to her, was on disability allowance and had one or two psychiatric evaluation appointments whilst we were together but she always came out saying there was nothing wrong with her. The most interesting thing I've only realised since knowing about pwBPD is that she had a book on her shelf that I noticed when we were moving into our new place. It was "I hate you, don't leave me". It was only after I thought about that book and then was told it is a well renowned book purely focussed on BPD that I realised with astonishment that she may well have known and been diagnosed already.

There was one time she did say to me that she was worried about getting too involved with me because she knew at some point she would f... k it up. She actually said that to me and was really upset when saying it. She was fixated on what she called her "self fulfilling prophecy". Sad when I look back... .for us both really. She said she really loved me and cared and was scared of messing everything (and me) up. Of course, I told her not to be silly and that I loved her enough to work through any worries she had. God, how I wish I had listened... .

Has anyone else had a form of pre warning like this and let it go over their head? Do you think she actually *did* know and kept it from me? It's really shocked me realising this only recently.

Maybe. She always warned me to be careful because she was mean... .this was very true and learned the hard way.

Great question. I would say in my case that she warned me in several different ways unbeknownst to her. She would say "I can't believe someone like you would want to be with me ", "I feel broken, why do you stay with me?", and "I feel completely flawed, sometimes I wish I could just ditch myself ".  There are others but these three are quite telling

She used to tell me that she was overwhelmed by the intensity of her own feelings. For example she told me she loved me so much that it worried her. At the time I felt she was "showing off" but in fact she was being very honest and actually "warning" me in a way.

In general I got the impression that she had made a habit of complaining about her feelings to me instead of dealing with them herself.

Little did I understand that she had a disorder that prevented her from dealing with her own feelings. And it wouldn't have done much good either, because to this day she had refused to accept this.

You've just taken the words right out of my mouth! She said exactly the same things to me. That her feelings for me scared her, that I was her first real love (her longest relationship was only 4 months before me) and that she couldn't cope with the strength of her feelings for me. She said she was worried and anxious all the time about things going wrong or that she wasn't good enough for me.

Strange then how she ended up screaming and shouting abuse at me then throwing me out of her flat most of the time towards the end. It's no wonder so many of us are confused and hurt on here with all these conflicting emotions being thrown at us 

Lots of I can't handle relationships, everyone I've ever cared about ends up hating me, - now I know why. When he dumped me after I caught him out he said "I can't have another person that I care about that I don't see" and cried and cried then went totally cold and even though we recycled a few times he stayed cold. Seems to be managing pretty well without me

Mine did these things

-Told me she might have BPD, but was unsure.

- left a print out in the bathroom with BPD circles (it was a help yourself type of chart shed completed.

-told me previous relationships had been in like a circle, where she put on weight, dumped them, lost weight and got a new one. I said I hope not with me, she said Don't be daft, she loved me.

- self harmed then told me I didn't have to stay around and deal with all this.

- often told me she had mental problems but was not sure what they were.

There is probably loads more. When she dunped me told me it was nothing to do with me, and it was all her, and she could not explain why.

Then later on I got abusive texts telling me it was all my fault.

Mine also did the same thing; the self harming and told me I didn't have to stay around. The trouble is every time she told me to leave, I didn't believe her and thought the exact opposite because of all the push/pull behaviour. I got to the point where I never, ever knew what she actually meant? Go away meant come here and come here either meant, I do really need you here or actually I just want you to leave. It was like a constant test of whether I would actually stay and deal with it or not. She turned me into a basket case of uncertainty 

Yes, mine told me repeatedly that, “I’m not as good as you think I am.” Or  “I can’t give you what you need.” 

The problem here is that it is said in such a way-and in such an innocuous tone-that the reference almost seems oblique. 

It’s only far after the fact when one’s life is a smoldering ruin that they recognize the urgency of the prompting to leave. 

A very difficult lesson, but I have profited immensely from the experience: I can detect a personality disordered individual within a radius of a kilometer these days. 

Mine was never mean to me, but would need time alone, feeling very overwhelmed and anxious for reasons she only very vaguely explained. After I mentioned I'd seen therapists before, she said she'd always needed that but had never done it because her "brain was broken" and she'd always had this "darkness" she'd never confronted. Then one day, she left me without much explanation, overwhelmed by having someone who loved her.

My ex BPDbf treated me with contempt a lot. He would mutter things under his breath after a few drinks, such as "You're too good to be true", "You're the perfect woman for me", "I wish I could give you more".

During our first break up 2 years into the relationship, I attempted to communicate my confused and hurt feelings in an email. I knew I couldn't get anywhere speaking to him in person, it always led to projection and gas lighting. His response to my email about "my" feelings was: "My heart isn't strong enough for a committed relationship, I'll drift and dissappoint." I didn't know about BPD back then, so just thought he was depressed. But, that one email haunts me til this day. It told me everything I needed to know.

Towards the end of our 4 year encounter he had a few drinks and muttered under his breath "I hate love triangles!" I unraveled his lies and cheating with the OW one month later.

He broke NC recently after 4 months. Contacted me on a dating site, than an email and this past weekend text bombs. He attempted with idealization and empty words: I miss you, I love you, my fault, I adored everything about you. Then switched to playing the victim with a text: "Love... .from afar, is better than none." I'm not allowing him to bait me. His words are empty (smoke and mirrors), no "I'm sorry, or taking responsibility" for the extreme hurt and pain he caused me. He's just looking for attention and "any" attachment because he's devalued the OW by now.

Wow i had just been thinking about this topic and not understanding how i coulnt have saw these as tell tales i knew she had been to a T as a result of childhood issues but said she was over it and knew it wasnt her fault but any way she had said that she seems to always end up back with exes (recycle all though i was unaware of this term at the time) also how she sucks at relationships... .she compartmentalizes her feelings (her own words)... .the big one is she said when she is done she is done... .what the heck what was i thinking i believe she may have very well knew what she is but chose to mess up someones life again with her lies to satisfy her needs

Mine was in therapy to because of her husband leaving her... hmm, I wonder why. It stopped soon after she snagged me, Wonder why... again? She used the same saying as well, "when Im done, Im done". Yeah, thanks for playing... .

Lol yeah  Deeno who would need a T after they met us we were the greastest most amazing people in the world we could cure cancer in their eyes well that is until you change colors anyway (white to black)

Indeed! Sigh. It's been a rough one that's for sure. Oh well, her loss.

Thats absolutely right it is their loss and i think we have to remind ourseleves of that when we get caught up in thoughts... .soon hopefully for all who are here on this board we will find someone who truely values us for our good qualities!

Wow, that quote sent chills down my spine. The words may be different but the message is spot on. During our first break up, of more than a few days, I was told "You're so amazing but I can't handle a relationship right now, you deserve someone who can reciprocate" and "I'm a work-in-progress, I'm flawed". I left her alone for three weeks and began receiving frantic messages that she 'wanted me in her life, if even a little, and she would take what she could get' I had no idea about BPD at the time.

Yes it is absolutely their loss. Losing a non who cares about them, loves them, and is willing to help them get better is unfortunate for anyone with BPD. Unfortunately for Non's, their exBPD probably doesn't realize what they've lost. I'll go as far as to say in some cases, they don't care because it's always been about them and if you're painted black, it's your fault the relationship failed anyway - truly sad. And this is where I get stuck in denial, ruminating about whether or not she ever felt anything for me.

Mine said she was 'crazy' at the start and had strange thoughts should have walked away then. But carried it on 10 years later came my painting black. I gave her everything i had and brought her the calm she wanted but in the end she couldnt deal with the peace sighs.

Neverloveagain... .since you've been painted black, have you had any contact at all or did she replace you?

Hello butterfly she had replacements lined up way before she devalued me for the discard. I left her alone for a week after we split then i got in touch and asked if she wanted to try and work something out to wich she replied she didnt want to be in a relashionship right now. There was then a few days of extintion burst texs i went full nc 7 months ago i havent heard off her and hope not too.

I suppose she did but she did it in the midst of seductive baby voice.  I just figured she was emotional I had no idea about BPD.

OH yes, she said all sorts, she said she was crazy, she sent me songs about 'breaking your heart', she told me that everyone leaves her, she said that sometimes you just "have no idea where i am", that she just "vanishes" and then she said "my friends know what I mean". She also told me she'd thrown tables over at local counselling places, she said she'd been with 2 different programs for mental health stuff, that she'd had to have four policemen hold her down cos she was so angry. Lots... lots and lots of warnings. Just a few weeks ago she told me she was "psychotic, I know I am".

She is, she's off her rocker, and she tried hard to warn me, course she does, she tests your reactions cos she doesn't want you to leave her, she needs to know how you'll react.

Yup. She pretty much overtly admitted to me that she was a ___ty person and had hurt loads of people. Me being me I was like nah don't be stupid.

Good god

All these stories... .

Did anyone besides me think - if you're totally honest; "... .won't happen when she's with me. I'm different."

Yes... I actually did think just that, I thought... "shes found the one now!"

My BPDexGf once said, early on, " I need to be in control"... .D'Oh!

When she would apologize for actions which exposed her cheating, she'd say: "You deserve better.  Or less than better (me)".

And while wasted and half asleep, she awoke to babble to me, out of the blue with no other words spoken: "I told my co-worker I was just using you.  "I'm sorry." Then she rolled over back to sleep.

After discarding me once she became pregnant by one of her myriad guy friends (when she says she is hanging out with a friend - translation= a guy) she then offered up a self reflective statement; "I can't draw a healthy line between love, intimacy and sex.  I want that romantic spark to continue but I can't keep it going for reasons of myself"

It was easy to translate her statement after being discarded - "I am comfortable with my actions and I do not want to change for anyone".

It is easier to put the BPD puzzle together when (1) you discover, far too late, that she is ill, and (2) - she no longer cares).  We, as the non's are the ones who have to deal with all of the emotional fallout.

Now, please excuse me, I have to go buy another case of beer... .

Exactly, they're lost souls, and when i say that I mean they're thunderous vampires eagerly searching for someone to take away the pain. They don't want to be saved, they want to be coddled... they DON'T CARE.

Mine used to say the same thing "you need to find someone else, you deserve better than me, I'm only going to hurt you".

She was right. Now I'm at peace, happy, and much much better off. The only time I seem to question being without her is when she's around. She's like a drug you can't let go until you do let go - then it's easy.

Yes.  Before we met she told me:

- "I am a very intense, emotionally needy person."

- "I'm not an easy girl to handle."

Then during early dating she would frequently call herself a slut.  (Trying to push me away?)

Also during early dating she told me she loved being told what to do and loved when I was in control.  This soon changed once we established we were together in a relationship.

Haha YES, she said the same to me!

"I love you, I feel like a little girl under you, I feel dominated, owned"

Exact quote!

I think so. Once when I told her I loved her, she replied, "I don't know how you can say that."

Other times, when I would see her at less than her best, she made references to me being "stuck with her" or asked me if I was sure I "still wanted in."

I also recall the use of the word "overwhelmed."

Was it unsettling? Yes. Did I realize the full magnitude of it until she abruptly dumped me after six years? No!

She used to describe herself as lost and empty. These may have been the most accurate words she ever spoke.

It's only since our R/S ended about 18 months ago that I've discovered the horror show known as BPD. I've discovered that there was lying... .lots of lying... .cheating, manipulation, callousness, and who knows what else. It staggers me still to contemplate the facility with which she behaved this way and how well she concealed it with her charm and her mirroring.

I'm not in direct contact, but I hear from mutual acquaintances and friends that her current bf is experiencing the same charade, only worse. I think both of them are so desperate not to be alone that they manage to somehow look past the fact that there's nothing good going on there. The overall picture I get is that her life is in one miserable freefall right now.

Without learning that there's a clinical disorder called BPD that explains this nightmare of a R/S, I think I would have completely gone off my rocker by now.

To those suffering through the early stages of this kind of R/S collapsing, I can tell you that things do get better, but there are still days... .oh, are there ever still days... .!

Did we date the same woman? It seems as if they're reading off the same script 

mine told me, within first few days of our relationship, that her friend told her that she's going to hurt me... .

after she cheated on me (but still didn't admit it) she repeated that warning from her girlfriend again. ("i ve just spoken with ... .and she told me that i'm going to hurt you and that you should leave me"... .

i was already in love and haven't had a clue about BPD thing and her crazy unstable patterns... .  :/

it's been 5 months after our last sex (she cheated on my replacement with me (lol) ), and it's hard as hell, i miss her, but i'm not going to contact her ever again... .

Mine always said "I have to have things a certain kind of way. " when I tried to clarify what he meant, he would tell me not to worry, things between us are that certain kind of way. I suppose until they weren't anymore. To him, I think he could detach so quickly because he will only stay while things are how he wants them and he is getting his needs met.  In a sense, he warned me without giving specifics,  that he'd be gone once he felt any discomfort.

Should have believed her when she said she was a commitment phobe. And that applied to many walks of her life.

Should have believed one of her friends at a New Year's Eve party when he warned her to stop "hanging out" with men and take me seriously, because I seemed like a good man.

Should have believed her when she said she wasn't good enough for me on some days.

I should have believed the   

Pretty early on (six to eight weeks max, with both of us fairly recently having come out of 14-year relationships), she was putting the pressure on heavy for us to be totally exclusive. Since she was the first person on OkC I had felt any romantic connection with, I of course wanted to be with her, but also felt wary of committing to a relationship with, essentially, the first girl who came along after my divorce. Especially because she had told me, no more than a month after our first date, that she had been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder because of the voices in her head. I wasn't too concerned with "dating a crazy person" (I have long realized I prefer the company of weirdos), but I was worried about the rate at which she was becoming infatuated with me, attached to me, obsessed with me, because as much as I was genuinely interested, I was still in the mindset of "now that you're finally healing from your divorce, get out there and date and see what's out there; don't just settle for Miss Right Now... .you'll probably just end up breaking her heart."

Well, she didn't like this attitude much (how dare I presume to be capable of breaking HER heart?), but accepted the logic of it. And soon began the half-jokes about me being her "karmic punishment"—meaning that, for the first time in at least a long while, she was in the position of having to win someone else's heart, instead of vice versa!

Although she meant a little something more, as it turned out. A little over three months in, in a lengthy but genuinely sweet email explaining to me how much it would hurt her if I wouldn't go exclusive, she said this:

"I’ve broken up friendships, ruined families, caused rifts in future marriages, etc. Maybe I don’t deserve to be treated any better than I’ve treated people in the past. I don’t, I suppose. It’s a long story why I would think I could even ask this of you, but I have my crazy, mystical reasons and I haven’t treated you too shabbily, so ask I do."

I reread this recently during a grieving session, and it was pretty chilling, even in my "I miss her" mindset... .

She warned me in lots of ways... .unfortunately I didn't listen.

She kept alluding to if I knew all the things about her, I'd leave.

She'd say things like "I don't know why you're with me" and "I don't deserve you".

If she did something she knew I wouldn't approve of, she would immediately become the victim, averting her eyes in shame, knowing I'd become supportive and empathetic and console her.

Oh so many more I can't remember... .

Yes its part of there guilt washing processs made all the more attractive by the risk which many are drawn to it not only gives them a buzz but lets them walk away an say i told you so then drop you completely