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My SD9's uBPDbm has had weight issues and eating disorders her whole life. When my SO moved out, uBPDbm lost a lot of weight (to the point of being unhealthy). I believe it was her depression causing her to not eat. Anyway, she uses this a lot to say that we're "unhealthy" because we're not stick skinny. Not a big deal for me, I'm comfortable with how I look (I gained a lot of weight during chemo) and I believe that her calling me names for my weight is just her letting her anger out because SO left her and married me. I don't hold that against her.

But... .

Every few months she will sent a raging email about SD9's weight and what she eats at our house. We usually point out that SD9 is in the healthy BMI range for her height, weight, and age and then continue on the same way. We tell SD9 that she is beautiful no matter what her size is and what is most important is being a good person.

Lately though, uBPDbm has been making a HUGE issue to SD9 about her weight. Now SD9 thinks she's "fat" and "has obesity". Her uBPDbm sends us blaming raging emails. Then she tells SD9 that how and what we feed her is wrong and she should be eating the way uBPDbm says. We don't mind uBPDbm having different food rules in her house than our house. We feel what we feed SD9 is normal and we know that her weight is normal. What we don't like is so much emphasis being placed on SD9's weight. We find that very unhealthy and can lead to low self-esteem and eating disorders.

Have any of you encountered this?

Ugh it pains me to think of yet another young girl thinking she is fat. Can you talk to SD9 about how some people have "control" issues around food? That her mom has an idea that there are "good" foods and "bad" foods, instead of healthy eating for healthy bodies.

My ex was very strict about food, and made everything from scratch. I used to have to eat chocolate away from the house like I was committing a crime and didn't want to be found out   

When your SD9 says she feels obese, how do you respond?

Ha!  My husband's ex is the same way.  She recently had bypass surgery and now the kiddo is obsessed with the amount of protein and sugar in foods.  However, her mother never taught her to look at the number of servings in a package, what the RDA of each nutrient is for a 9 year old or to tell her that she gets enough nutrients from the healthy homemade food which we prepare for her.  We see a possible eating disorder in the kiddo that we are trying to head off by encouraging her to eat until she is full at meals, and to be more label conscious when it comes to snack foods.  Fortunately, she is a kid who really likes fruits and veggies, and she isn't a picky eater when it comes to dinner.

We tell her she's normal and healthy, and that she is growing just like any kid grows. Then we tell her what's important is not how you look but who you are on the inside and us and her friends will love her no matter how she looks.


I really don't know what is going on with SD9. We picked her up for the weekend and she immediately wanted fast food. Everything she requested was candy/sugar/junk food all weekend. More so than usual. I stuck to my same rules of healthy snacks and we ate the same food as usual. She made no comments about her looks. Then Sunday night while on the phone with uBPDbm she made a comment to her mom about how her belly jiggles when she walks. SO and I overheard it (she didn't take the phone to the other room for the call). So we tried to broach the subject with her. We asked her what was going on at her mom's house about food. She clammed up. Refused to talk about it. Refused to tell us why. So... .I really don't know.