BPDFamily.com

I've been in a reflective time and wanted to share something to get some thoughts... .

My exBPDgf left her partner of 10+ years for me. The partner had been ill for some time, and I was lead to believe the relationship was over when my ex and I got together and eventually moved in together.

Well, that wasn't the case, as an emotional affair continued the entire 5+ years I was with my ex. About six months before we broke up, my exBPDgf's partner died. My ex posted pictures online stating how "my beloved partner so and so passed away." As if I didn't even exist. She then started wearing her ex's wedding band again. And, I was supposed to accept the fact the she was in "mourning." On the one hand, she was clearly in pain so how could I be the so-called bad guy (a role I was often set up for) by saying, hey, I think it's a little inappropriate. On the other hand, I was so hurt by this as it validated the fact that she really never left the previous partner. It was like I was a stand-in for good sex and company, which the former partner couldn't provide. No matter how many times I said she was having an emotional affair, my ex indignantly denied it.

All to say, how would you have coped with your ex wearing someone else's wedding band - the previous partner she left for you?

She's your ex.  Whatever she wears is none of your business.  Unless you have kids with her,I would do my best to stay away from any information about what she's wearing and who she's with.

The more you try to learn/understand, the more you're going to prolong your own suffering.

Personally I dont believe they leave any of their exs 100%. I think they take their feelings into all future relationships. They have the fond memories we all have and keep them like an emotional photo album.

the fact that tgey care about their exs is painful for us nons to understand. Unlike us though they do not find the love of their life and stick with them. They are constantly finding the love of their life and moving on. To try and compare how we feel with how yhey feel is pointless.

What she did was disrespectful to you. Those with BPD follow a different set of rules though or more accurately said follow no rules.

Thanks for the reminder not to wallow, which I don't feel that I am. Rather, I'm really intent on understanding what I was willing to put up with, and why. I think the point of finding a "love of your life" is huge. Mine called me that for so long, until her ex died. Then she was the "love of her life," put on the wedding band, etc. etc. To be frank, such bizarre and hurtful behavior - to both of her now former (and one deceased) partners - that it's hard to even comprehend. Not so stuck on that, as I am on why I didn't speak up. I know I was trying to be compassionate, but I also know I just wasn't drawing boundaries on what I would not accept. Boy, am I ever better at the boundary drawing; that is definitely one thing I've learned and trying so hard to put into place in my life right now.

I think the problem with boundaries when BPD is involved is we are taken by suprise and confused by their behaviour. With all the lies and gas lighting we are constantly on the back foot. This made it harder for me to uphold my boundaries.