BPDFamily.com

A brief summary of my relationship with m ex uBPD:

I dated my ex for a year and a half before she began an affair with my replacement, which lasted about four or five weeks off/on before she "fell" for him, and left me. Numerous, almost weekly recycles, lies, drug abuse, and total chaos just about destroyed me. I ended up partially hospitalized due to depression as her affair began. In retrospect, the last weeks of our relationship hell were nothing but abuse. We had one conversation and chatted three times, but have been mostly no contact for four months now. NC at all for the last eight or ten weeks, as I blocked her on the phone, Facebbook, chat etc.

Today I received the following email from her:


"Hello, ______.

I hope you're well.  I'm writing to ask you to please consider unblocking your Facebook from public view.  I very much appreciated being able to look at your photos and posts unobtrusively, to see how you are doing (it looks like you're doing well).  You're looking very healthy.  I'm sorry about  [my cat that was killed by another animal two months ago, which she knew about].

B__________"

This seems so bizarre to me. I blocked her from Facebook when we broke up, and I removed my profile from public view a couple of days ago. She does't apologize, doesn't ask me how I am doing, and tells me nothing about herself. I don't know if she is still with the replacement, or even lives in my city any more. I won't answer the email, but I am wondering why the hell she sent it. It's meaningless, like all her words. Why bother? What's in it for her?

I think for the most part that pwBPD view NONs as "things". So you are a thing she would like to keep track of due to the possibility she might need it someday. Probably best to ignore her now or simply reply "Goodbye, good luck and I prefer no future contact. Thanks for understanding."

I really don't think it has anything to do with your FB.  I think it has to do with the fact to see if you are still a connection to her or not.  Bpd's like to stay connected in positive and negative ways and you removing your picture a few days ago severed a connection she had.  You could have put a picture of a dog up in place of your profile picture and I bet you would have gotten the same email.  Remember they can leave you and they can cheat on you, but if you appear to be moving on with your life and  have completely detached that's when I've found you're likely to hear from them in some way.  They have no issues blinding us and silencing us, but when the shoe is on the other foot  they tend  to come a bit unglued unless they are being showered with supply from multiple sources.   Gotta love the double standards.

It's like your property to them. Even during the r/s, no one was more important than her. No matter what you had to do in your life, she had to come first or you REALLY had to have a good reason why your time was deflected from her.

It is hard to understand,

It is even harder to relate post seperation. 

Remember that she is a person as well, just a little bit more emotional and volotile in s tressful situations that she cant control.  Like when she is cut out of your life in a manner she wants to be involved in.  Respect your boundarys here and do it with compasion.  I like the simple response of AwakenedOne.  Breif, answers the questions and doesnt give any emotion for her to feed on and cant be misconstruded. 

I'm sorry your in this bind, me I am trying to work through it as well as everyone else here.  It isnt a easy process workign on our own issues while still trying to be concerned for the other party.  Look after yourself, know that as she survived with you she will survive without you.  Painful but true. 



AJJ. 

Control

How I try to understand everything is looking at every action/choice/behaviour from the control and triangulation perspective. 

She is playing the victim, wants you to play the role of persecuter because your cutting her out and also the role of rescuer as you can rescue her by allowing her in. 

If you look at every behaviour from the triangulation and control perspective try not to play any of those roles.  Ignore it all and do what is best for you. 

We can say its manipulative, demeaning and everything else.  End of the day she has a different thought process to you or I and is in the process of trangulating so that she has control of you/situation. 

Quite sad, very true.  Very very intoxicating and hard to step out of. 


AJJ. 

They sick people and there is no medication to heal them. They have this from childhood trauma. The only way they can get anyone to "love" them, is by causing a chemical imbalance in your brain. But that is an addiction, not love. It is like brainwashing. Their pull you close / push you away tactic causes this.

She wants you addicted again, most probably because the replacement dumped her, or she has just pushed him away.

If I think of my previous relationships with other women, I just cannot believe that I actually spent 3 years with this monster. I had such wonderful relationships before. Why did I get involved here?

I remember once she said to me: people like you belong in jail. Now why would someone say that? That is quite a serious statement, because I have always only tried to help her. But thinking about it, it is probably something one of her previous ex's said to her. And it hurt her, and it stuck. The looser/___hole type of accusations I heard on a weekly basis was ok, but this insult was like kinda special. It had no grounds.

Stay away, and find yourself a women who wants to share her life with you. Not one that demands all your attention and money, and gives nothing in return.

I can't tell you how many times shed yell "I should be #1 in your life" or use that in conjunction with "I'll find someone who can make me their #1". F'in nuts when I think about it now.  Shed even say that crap if I went to check on my 80 year old mother and tell me she was jealous of my time spent with her, which was usually an hour at the most. 

Don't respond! Stay strong NC!  Every day is like a sober day for a recovering alcoholic.


Were we with the same girl Raybo?  I heard that verbatim. 

It does amaze me when I read the posts all over this site on how many things my BPDxgf said verbatim to others.  I mean do they all go from the same script?  It really is eerie.

Yep. Plus it's a way to be in your life without really being in your life.

So another question that comes up is, What's in it for you?

It's your FB. Your friends. Your life. Your decision to make for yourself.

I still think its odd that she would even write the email at all. Since I defriended and blocked her, the only way to see my posts is to log out of Facebook. Even then, I have only made a few posts public, and maybe two or three photos. Really? She wants to be able to see the little tiny bit that was available to every other Internet user on the planet? But maybe she does. It only took her a couple of days to write me after I hid everything, so clearly she'd been looking. I just can't imagine why she'd care. You don't get much more distance than reading a persons public profile on Facebook. Not mine, anyway.

It wasn't like she was requesting a response, and I can't imagine her thinking that it might, maybe, somehow provoke me to write back. It wasn't offensive. It wasn't thoughtful. It wasn't interesting. It was just weird.

Perhaps she was hoping for a response but too cowardly to write enough to risk feeling rejected if I didn't write back, but that seems weird too. I can't imagine her thinking, at this point post breakup, that I would have any desire to communicate with her, particularly about something so inconsequential.

Oh, and one more thing: I told her a month or so post breakup that she could contact me if 1) she had been clean and sober for a while, and 2) she took responsibility for just how destructive her behavior was, and acknowledged the pain she put me through. This was before I knew much about BPD; at this point I ain't holdin' my breath. While she had some BPD behaviors early on, it wasn't until her drug and alcohol relapse that our relationship was filled with lies, cheating, abuse, and abandonment. I held out hope that the person I thought I knew would come back. Now I realize I didn't know her at all.

Bingo!

Don't respond at all, ignore the email and don't unblock your facebook.  This is just them looking for a reaction from you as a sign that they will interpret that you still care.  This feeds their ego and they interpret it as still holding influence over you.    It's playing games, it's not sincere. Next thing you can expect is them dropping passive aggressive hints about their new love interest or whatever.