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Getting those damn thoughts of her and the replacement again. I was doing so well too... help!

 

I have the same problem this morning. Sigh

The thing that helped me the most was to make a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled in the relationship, and the list grew as the fog cleared.  Then I'd read it at times like that, as many times as I needed to, and really connect with how badly they made me feel.  After a while of doing that I became grateful that I was no longer with her, which then helped me shift my focus from her to me and move forward.

So what are two things your ex did that were completely unacceptable?

Yea it sucks.  It pops in and out of my head all the time and kind of stops you in your tracks for a bit.  It's hard to figure why we do that considering how abusive they were/are.

It constantly pops in my head. What helps is that I know it wont work out. He is a lot older than her so she has her daddy figure now. As soon as she gets bored of him treating her she will devalue and dump him. He will join me and all the other in the pile of storm damage she leaves in her wake.

The thing that helped me is I know the road the replacement is going to travel on, its the same one I took. It's rough and painful, I hope the cheat enjoys it. As for the ex, I know she'll never have a good relationship in her life she's doomed to what she has. And I hope that cheat enjoys it.

Lets start the list of crappy things together.

I could start.

He cheated.

He told me I looked 80 years old and called me fat.

He abandoned me weekly for a year and justified it by saying he always came back.

He flirted with other women and rubbed my nose in it.

He raged.

He lied about me and to me.

He was a slob.

He went on vacation and to events with his friends but excluded me.

He proposed, moved in, adored me devalued me and then moved out.

He refused to tell me where he lived but told me all about his female neighbour and her daughter.

He freaked out if I had any contact with male friends.

When I called him on these things he told me I was unreasonable and told me to get over it. Talk about being invalidating.

I need to print this list.

Ouch!  Sorry you went through that Hope, but good for you for putting that list together, and now make sure you completely connect emotionally with how each makes you feel, all the way, and then look for the gratitude that you aren't with him anymore.  The crap he pulled can be used as detachment fuel now, which makes it valuable, so let's use it.  Take care of you!

Anyone else got a list?

Deeno02

YOU have dreams, goals... .what are they? (NOTHING to do with ex, just you)

YOU have talents, gifts... .what are they?

YOU are a father... .that is a blessing some men never have.

YOU are a survivor, thriver, go getter, make it happen kind of guy... .how are you going to use this to fulfill YOUR dreams, goals?

YOUR life has been what it has been... .what have you learned from it that makes YOU a better, stronger man?

YOU have untapped amazing potential... .tell me about it!

Thoughts are just thoughts. We have them. It's human nature. Once the action is in our consciousness it becomes part of our aggregate. They're just thoughts though. Thought is phenomena which are perceived by the phenomena that is our mind. It's normal. You're human. Don't let it bother you. No body defines your self better than you do. Your value isn't determined by your ex and her partner. They are no reflection on you whatsoever.

I know how you feel. I broke up with a normal girl last thursday. Cant stop thinking about my uBPDex. I even considered readding her on facebook. I also broke NC, by thanking her for some advice she gave me. I miss her like crazy. Sometimes i wonder if i'm the crazy one.

I have days where I cant get it out of my head, the illusion that was at the begenning.  The reality of what it will be in the future having to co-parent with her.  

For me, I am happier now 80% of the time being single than I ever have been in any relationship.  I will eventually decide I'll start dating again or just randomly sleeping around, havent figured that out in honesty.  It isnt that hard with Tinder and everything else these days.  

Reality is, I am not happy doing that, it doesnt give me any gratification at the moment.  I am being myself and happy with that, more than I was allowed to be in that relationship.  

I HATE (and i HATE the hate word as well) what myself and everyone else here goes through, its gutwrenching.  

I had Skip the other day point out that I am still between the #1 and #2 stages of detachment on the right hand side and I sort of agree with him.  I think at times I have gone through parts of processing everything and also creative action with starting new endevours.  There is still alot to process and I'm not afraid of that.  Whereever your at Deeno02 your going to figure it out in time and be happier and healthier for it.  


AJJ.  

I also hate the fact that we get along again. She talks to me and laughs like nothing happened. I dont know if shes over me and just being nice or that she tries to get back. I only know that i hate it. I dont want her contact anymore. Unfortunately we see eachother every day, so that is not an option.

So the sweet little BPD lady I knew told me in one breath that she had another boyfriend in one breath then asked me to change the oil in her car with the next. This was coming behind almost eight years of living together. Like nothing happened. You'll have that. I almost peed laughing.