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(and not making him the center of my life no more)

I try to translate my thought from french.

After a break of about a month, I have taken advantage of this loneliness to refocus on my life and my priorities.

Instead of coming home searching his tools , my 'ex'? Boyfriend came with the arms and the trunk of his car full of wood for my fireplace.

He was convincing and the dialog was genuine on both sides.

So I guess this is what is called a start of 'recycling' .

So help me please to remain in the center of my life, because I just don't want to control him - since I admit that I failed to leave him live his asocial man of the woods life. I still want him in my life but lightly.

Can you help me stay light and detached? With your experiences ?

Hey RunForest,

The challenge, in my view, is that if you are truly detached, then you are no longer emotionally invested in the r/s, which generally leads to another b/u.  What makes you think the outcome will be different this time?

LuckyJim

Thanks for your smart reply.

To answer the question: the outcome might be different, because I am less anxious.

(I take the risk to explain further with precise details of our jobs, though I know it's not the place on a forum where I wish to stay anonymous.)

- Either it leads to a b / u and that Will not be the end of the (my) world this time.

- Either it could work because big things are changing on his side after he thought he lost me.

(concrete things for him like buying a house with a studio to start again his furniture creation, and abandon his unrealistic and weird projects of living in the trees, that made me break up, thinking and telling him honestly, "well the best is to let him live his social life" incompatible with mine.)

On my side I am just starting and developing my art teacher activity that passionate me.(and I get the support of my BF)

And I know we are helping each other a lot to admit our personal defenses that were and still are stopping our growing up.

He understood about therapy , what do you think about couple therapy?

I view that a bit childish but a mediator may be good to address some things... .if we leave social selves, for me it is Ok but him?

I 've had a T in the past, with supportive therapy during 5 years  and that lead me to understand things of childhood and get the courage to divorce.

Then I was busy with raising my sons, last year the younger one leaved the house at 20 yo to go studying in a big city, living at his fathers house now.

Since only now I can envisage a long term r/s and met my BF 6 month after I was living on my own and no more a busy mother.

OK it is a real relief to write about my history knowing that people will read it.

I mean "his life of asocial man"

I know I am optimistic at the moment, and on a top mood when I write this.

I started to express myself much more to him (agreements and disagreements) that lead me to less anxiety and at my big surprise, comfort him, he asked me for setting him boundaries.

I know his quarrels scare me less now that I get to know him better.

I also know that what is said is not what we do, and he will probably quarrel these limits when it comes in the heart of the matter, and I'm ready for that.