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I am asking if and how to do a pole in  order to see if all hurting members on here are willing to recycle after all this pain and confusion ,that they caused us just a thought ?recycle

I definitely don't even want to think about going back.  I just will not put myself through all that again. I don't give a damn if it is a personality disorder. But to be treated like that, and the only reason I stayed was because of an addiction. It was all a fantasy, a bad chemical reaction in my brain.

Geez, why didn't they teach us this at school. It would have been a much better subject than history.

Sorry, no going back. I have some amazing friends and spend time with people who actually appreciate me. If I walked passed the ex on street, I wouldn't even greet her.

I erased 3 years of my life, and it stays that way. I deserve much better.

There is absolutely no way I would go back.  We've reinitiated contact with each other enough for me to know that absolutely nothing will change and any work I've done on myself would erode right way if I went back with her.  She doesn't work on herself and has never admitted she has a problem to she will continue to repeat history over and over again.  

Never.   I recycled twice.  The second time was after being apart for nearly 20 years and it followed the exact same pattern:  idealized, devalued, abandoned.

I'll save you the time and effort... .Not just no, but FU*K NO!

Ummm... no poll required here... .

Holy heck -  no way would I ever see, speak or have that man anywhere near me. EVER.

I'm not afraid of him anymore, but he disgusts me.

If mine chooses to say, yes I have BPD, yes I will seek help.  Please support me, please can we be friends again.  The answwer is YES. 

If she says, please can we get back together, I love you, I dont know why I did what I did.  The answer is NO. 

Absolutely no way I'd go back.

Not even if God himself descended from the heavens, looked straight at me and said, "Hey, Earthbayne, you should get back with her."

Sorry God, not happening.

Well I've recycled 2 times now and let me tell you this: IT ONLY GETS WORSE. See, they don't care that much any more about holding up that mask of being a decent human being and all that, for them it's a lot of hard work. They just think, meh you took me back after all the sh!t I've put you through so that must mean you like it! Thanks so much that I can be myself around you and ___ you over without even have to lie and pretend, you're the best! (this is not a joke, this is what they'll literally tell you)

Don't recycle! Oh, it's mighty tempting for sure, you can tell yourself all kinds of things, that you'll be strong enough this time, you'll beat them at their own game etc... .Guess what, you're ONLY setting yourself up for a lot more heartache, that's guaranteed. They won't soften up, they won't learn, they won't 'see the light' you'll just end up seeing them in their full and true colors... .If you think you can stomach it, go ahead and recycle. My 2cents... .that love and energy is spent waaay better on yourself than on the dark endless abyss that is the BPD's soul... .

Wow dude... that was pretty to the point. Thank you... wow

Unfortunately much of what you said here is extremely accurate.  I was treated horribly the last time we recycled and it was my own fault for thinking things may be a bit different since I understood the disorder.  Unless they are willing to get the help they need through T there is no way to make it through their mine field even you have a map!  This last time I got a true taste of her incredible ego and vindictive behavior since there was no need to idealize me.  It was something to behold and I'll never go there again.   I wish her luck in life, she'll need it.

I used to feel this way, if only... .but I am starting to feel differently.  Not sure if it's the trauma bond releasing it's grip or just being able to be more objective but our values are so different, he'd have to become a totally different person.  I don't think underneath the disorder he's a very good match or a very nice person... .although it's impossible to tell where the personality ends and the disorder begins.

/to be very honest with you . I was and still am very addicted to this girl. but after two times going back to her . I can honestly say no I wont go back. I am treating my addiction to her just like if I was on heroin. I will call a friend I will run like hell from her. I know one day she will want to recycle again and if I wanted it bad enough I could give in now . but there come a point when you start loving yourself more. I still feel like I am not a whole person because i am not with her. but with time I will get to the point I don`t think of her all day.  some times you really have to hit rock bottom before you can get away from this kind of person. and it does get worse ever time you go back to them.

I want the ball in my court... then I hope I will turn her down...  

Part of the healing process is owning things, and it sounds like you are there.  Give yourself a pat on the back for sure!

^ I remember fresh out of my breakup I felt the same way... .until I realized this:

if she would have to be a totally different person for me to entertain the idea of getting back together... .then why don't I just go find a totally different person? lol  :)

And a-men to that  *)

NEVER EVER!

In think the question begs after all the hurt and pain, what is it about us that feels we need to compromise our well being to re-engage in what we know to be a devaluing situation. Thats where I tried to focus when I had these urges.  In digging deep, we may realize there were other times in our lives we accepted less; to feel valued.  Loved. And that may have been far out of our control.   And of course, the BPD r/s leaves is beyond shattered and may be no where near as comparable to other situations.  But, it should be a catalyst to ask ourselves why we would return to a situation of immense hurt.  To call that love.

In saying that, I most certainly did recycle pre-BPD knowledge, bc I missed him.  And I felt he was the only person who would understand that, thinking he understood love the same way I did.  As well as thinking he viewed our r/s with the same value I did. 

I can tell you that every time you recycle, you see more of the disorder and less of the person  you miss.  Thats very sad to me and I most certainly dont want to generalize but once splitting begins and the subsequent devaluations, my experience was a harder fall each time.  A more prickly person who became less and less of the man I missed.

No one should return to a situation of being devalued, even in understanding the disorder, and expect different unless your ex is heavily committed to T.  And your own boundaries are unwavering.  And even then, its very hard work. 

Here's what I say when I feel the missing or perhaps are triggered on having to see him.  Why I would electively  allow myself to be hurt?  On occasion, I would literally have to stop myself from all those re-engaging urges and literally say: you're going to get very hurt. Why would you want to do this to yourself?  Now that I know better. Ahd believe me, I know beyond doubt how hard and hurtful this all is.  I remain moving forward.

My .02

Awesome post CVM!  It's worth way more than .02.

Guy4caligirl

There is an article somewhere on the site written by skip. To paraphrase we the "non" would have had to process all the emotions and be in a state where we can once again process emotions for the BPD and reflect back to them positivity without letting then trample on our boundaries. To be able to do that while not repressing our own emotions. That is a big work though I would call it the great work. The thing is for many of us here we had our repressed traumas ripped open and are facing all of it at once so that work superceedes being able to process emotions for our ex. It is something we must do for ourself and not our ex for it to be effective.

To be in a place of action with purpose yet detached from the outcome. A pwBPD has deeply ingrained defense mechanisms and as a result play a lot of games and in many cases are naturals at the art of persuasion. Educating ourselves about defense mechanisms and transactional analysis would probably be a great help to us all in recognizing red flags.

I've had my inner child brought to the surface and it's like I am reparenting myself. I find it often confusing.  Up untill recently I felt like an adult but now I feel like a hurt child it is quite bizarre and I still struggle with accepting myself in this way. Allowing myself to be vulnerable while not looking for outside validation by roles I take on, is what I am getting at.  Basically when we are exposed like many if us are right now I find myself vulnerable to "cults."  I use the word cult very loosely. I believe any sort of group identification or groupthink to define ones reality as a cult. Looking up to anyone or anything as something above what I have within myself for validation.  

Once achieving a state of trully validating from within not based on any roles we have assumed in life, then yeah sure I think you can recycle with your ex if it's what you want and not get destroyed while being true to yourself. Getting to that state within oneself is a major process though.

I've recycled more times then I can count over 14 years.

He was diagnosed early this year, but quit T quiclky and went in denial.

Even if he would go into T seriously and whole heartedly, my trust is forever broken.

My guard would be up and the equality in the rs completely missing.

I really dont see him getting help though, although I would really wish that for him.

Our paths devide here forever. Hope he does well on his path and I hope I do even better... .

I passed the point of no return a long time ago, i guess I was in denial too.

I wanted back for three months after the B/U but once I realised she was enjoying sleeping with, eating with and being with her new guy and wasn't just doing it to get back at or hurt me, then that was it. She's been trying to contact me, and when ive bumped into her in person tried to get back with me. I delete emails without reading them, hang up when I hear her voice and tell her to piss off when I see her. No chance I'd let that crazy, twisted manipulator back into my life. I do miss some aspects of her, more so recently because she's been trying to come back, but I know deep down she can lie and manipulate so it's pointless.

I honestly believe I could go through life with her and 'think' she was very good and loving as long as I wasn't checking up on her. If I did I'm certain it would be a whole can of worms waiting. Never again. 

Very well thought out and true Blim. I'm trying to do this myself, it's hard not to look to skills, talents, intelligence and others for validation. But until I can validate myself as worthy and beautiful in my own right, without a need to be or do anything, then I think I will remain broken. I think the only path to that is ridiculous amounts of positive self talk and a bit of acknowledgement of my own abilities and positive qualities. I only have to undo 33 years of conditioning, no biggie! LOL, sigh... .

NEVER!

I learned my lessons. I recycled two times and refused the third even with the begging and pleading and this time it will be different bs.

I have self accessed, learned to have better boundaries and self respect for myself.

I'm on to the dating world again!


Rifka

Good points Blimblam, this is how I've been feeling lately.  I think I've been trying to ignore my inner child all my life and finally I've allowed her to be present, feel, and I am reparenting her/me.  I spent my whole life trying to never show weakness, it was what I learned in my family and being bullied as a child.  I hated my own weaknesses but now I'm coming to love myself, weaknesses and all.  Allowing myself to be vulnerable is a huge thing for me and it's hard to not fall into the old patterns of looking for validation.  I've been really challenged with this lately as I've had to deal with some really tricky things where I could have easily fallen into my old patterns.

I would rather die than go back.

I wouldn't go back for all the money in Ft. Knox.

After what he did to me, and the kids... .never. Ever.

Ever.

I wish I was as far along as all of you. I still miss him so much and  can't even stomach the thought of being with someone else yet :'(

Hi and welcome to the best healing site  ,you will see difference soon I joined a month ago and I am  fine with that now I accepted and you will I feel your pain

NO F'ING WAY!

The first time around, I stayed NC two weeks, but yearned for her.  She was stalking me, but I was strong and didn't respond.  Then in a moment of weakness I did.  Initiate the recycle.

"Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."

There is no way, shape, or form I would recycle.  I am taking healthy steps to move on with my life in a mature way.  After the first breakup I did not do this.  I self-medicated with alcohol, cigarettes, and casual sex, as well as obsessed over her.

This time I have accepted she will NOT CHANGE, she is MENTALLY ILL, and I will stay stuck in life if I have any contact with her.  This time I am getting healthy, stopped smoking and drinking, and have accepted I am not ready to date.  I am taking care of myself and looking at what kept me in this relationship 2x per week at therapy and on this wonderful site.  

So, NO, NO, and NO!

Welcome,

You are missing the good memories, try and focus on the bad only, it might help you. Read these threads, we have all poured our hearts out here. It will take time for you to heal, everybodies healing time is different.

I still miss all of the amazing stuff, but I understand it wasn't who he really was and was unsustainable to continue being somebody he was not. When the real him showed, it was like the devil let loose. It was horrible. I prefer to think about those horrible times so that was able to have the strength to go no contact and heal me and think about myself and my happiness ( something they have no concern of) you will get there, time really does work for us with no contact!

Hugs to you

Rifka

I would not recycle under any circumstances. I would no talk to her under any circumstances.

Skip , thank you for making your clear view about the NC LC yesterday , it really made a difference for me , and I hope to wake everyone else that missed these threads .This is what I realized thereafter your explanation :

I am capable today of being in NC LC that I have struggled with for a while now , to feel no pressure on me anymore ,

I don't have To if I don't want to either contact or no contact it does not matter anyways detach detach detach Guy4caligirl .

Look into yourself guy4 you're no longer in a war zone, peace is around the corner all worriers looking exhausted are heading home happy as they can be , it all depends on how you carry yourself through this hard time ,Spring will come again no matter how your state of mind is at this moment in time .

No she has never being able to crush me .

(She said to me a week ago "you are tough " It looks like my replacement is weak of course she is in love !)

So  Not at all she shocked me Yes , but I used the mirror effect and let all her criticism slide over like a spoiler on the back of a car or a spoiler over the windshield of an 18 wheelers Crazy but true  lol .

No matter what NC LC WC MCD OCD . We will never able to change the facts . Did they build Rome in one day ?