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My wife said she could only think about forgiving me if 'You can prove to me you wont hurt me anymore'.  How does someone respond to that.  I said- lets take one day at a time and just start with today' . 

She did not accept that answer, I want to know how to prove you will not hurt me.  I then said I don't know. 

She then gave my ring back.

Any thoughts?  similar experiences

I'd suggest couples therapy or counciling

How does she say you've hurt her in the past?

this is of course impossible to answer. but being reasonable in response may, in itself, drive her off. my wife explicitly cited my "rational argumentation" as a reason to bolt. in her accusations she was being emotional, but i was offended by the accusations and responded rationally, so she felt licensed to run away to somebody else.

for what does she think she has to forgive you, 4BVM?

 
It varies but here have been some of the recent ones.  They focus on distrust a lot of them:

*talking to my family (which was once every couple weeks before I caved to her request not to talk.  I Don't talk to them now and feel nervous to do so as it causes a lot of grief in the house).  She talks to her family every couple weeks without any hesitation.   

*learning about something/someone from a facebook post.  Feels threatened when I use social media.  Not on it much but do use it for my job as I am sales for marketing.  Although she is on pininterst all the time.  I let her know that is fine with me if she enjoys that.  But she says I can't be trusted on that. 

*going to my 25th class reunion.  She was raging that night and said I should not have gone.  She brought that up last week and i went 1 year ago.  She felt I was going there to see an old girlfriend

*raising my voice when arguing.  Although she says she is loud and that is the way she was born.  But I don't have that excuse.

*locking the door when I go the bathroom.  We have 7 kids so sometimes that is the only privacy.  Sometimes I keep it locked when she is angry with me also.  She thinks I am emailing someone. 

*Reading an email on my phone.  She feels that I have another relationship with someone. 

*Leaving the house when she is upset or when I get upset.  Thinks again I have a relationship with someone else.

This trust first broke down in a very significant way when I told her (in duress) ~2 years ago that I would not talk to my family anymore- at her threats to Divorce me.  However, I did maintain contact with them.  I later told her that I was communicating with them and she became extremely upset.   

I then went back again to saying will stop contact with them and did almost 6 months (Until a few days ago when she said she gave the ring back)

so how undecided are you about your marriage? is it really acceptable that you can't speak to your own family?

Maxim,

Not sure how undecided I am.  What I have read up to this point that divorce doesn't make things easier as there is the coparenting.  to complicate things for me when thinking of this is that I have 7 kids at home.   2 are special needs which one is on a ventilator at home and the other has out of state surgeries that take place 2-4 times a year. 

I justified up to this point as it is better to have a happy wife (at least not mean) and a peaceful home.  I know that is not rational thinking but more a survival mode.  I also struggle with that I grew up with divorced parents and don't want to do that.  HOWEVER, the peaceful home has stopped as mentioned earlier and now I am holding nothing not a happy wife, tense home, and strained relationships with family. 

I just started reaching out to my family again.  However, I am doing it 'behind her back' because I am to chicken to tell her and face the ratching up her anger.  Case in point, my son and daughter have a special person day at school coming up and I am too afraid to invite my mother (their grandma) to be with them.  I am so broken down in my own thinking that it is embarrassing to even acknowledge here on this anonymous board to what point I have gotten to in my codependency.