BPDFamily.com

I heard my ex was in a car accident today.

My dad works in the business, so I was the one to help him get the car for pennies compared to its' value. Then, I helped him get insurance yata yata. HIS FAMILY PROVIDES 0 SUPPORT. His mother is NPD and his father is too weak to stand up to her after 40 years. It's sad really... .caused so much stress during our relationship because most of the support fell on me... .Short of providing a roof over his head, he gets nothing but abuse living at home.

I was in an accident a week and a half ago... .called him crying and he was concerned yet cold and distant. In fact the last text I sent him, after not hearing from him when I was in hospital was "I'm in a serious car accident and you dont care how I am or what they say? Whatever."  I vowed to not contact him after that.

But, I find myself now worrying about him. His mom, being NPD won't allow him to use the other vehicle in the household (shes soley focused on herself 100% of the time)... .How will he get to school, work, appointments, etc. BUT WHY DO I CARE OR WORRY? HE ISNT MY RESPONSIBILITY ANYMORE? His mother sure won't care and he'll be belittled and broken down.

I'm fighting the urge to text him... .just to see how he's doing... .as a friend.

I think NC is still the way to go... .but is it normal to want to see how they're doing? Then again, he didn't seem too concerned with me after mine... .

Guidance is appreciated!

Many of us got heavily caught up in protecting/rescuing our BPD partners while neglecting our own well being.

How would contacting him, to rescue him, yet again... .help you?

Its unfortunate his mother may not be present in his life the way he wished.  As you've rescued and mothered him your r/s  ( purely from a place of love), how has that worked out for you? Not him.

You.

You mention you were in a similar situation w a car accident recently and your ex disappointed you in response/ or lack there of.

Do you feel texting him, as his friend, may inspire the same from him? Yet he's clearly demonstrated otherwise.

Despite the pain, the hurt in disengaging as we many have deeply shared, what have you really learned thus far?

My guidance is recommend you really work on you. Not him.

Your heart is loving and good. If you text him to see how he is, bc you are caring and concerned, your heart may continue to be hurt.

We understand bc we've been where you are.  And we do care about others in the same shoes.

And thats why we, as a supportive group, are honest and sometimes say what we may not want to hear.  Bc we do care.

These are hard and very unfortunate, non  deserved  ... .Truths.

You're right. I guess it wouldn't.

Therefore, I guess I shouldn't?

Arg. I wish I could be indifferent!

Maybe there's some growth available in looking at that urge?  Do you feel obligated, guilty for not, selflessly concerned, maybe if you show up with support in his time of need he'll have a change of heart?  And really, was he a friend to you?  His cold, distant response in your time of need doesn't suggest that he was.  Not doing something because he didn't could be another reason, but ask yourself what is the "right" thing to do, for you mostly, partly so you don't regret it later, but also just because it's right?

Thinking ONLY of myself ... .I think its best to stay NC.

I want to know he's okay. But, if we speak ... .I'm afraid I'll want to "rescue" him again.

I need to keep my distance... .but I'm still concerned. Difficult spot... .

Yes.  There's a line between being kind and concerned, and rescuing, sometimes it's hard to see which side we're on, and borderlines can be all take and no give.  I say if there's value in expressing your concern while also practicing maintaining a distance, boundary preservation, then go for it.  If you don't think you can pull it off yet, then let it go.

Yes,  you will.  And this has not worked in your favor.

Think this through.

Speaking as someone who just had this happen not but two weeks ago. You will find little reassurance he cares, that you care. Mine actually blamed me for getting into so that I could blame it on her. I had people I hadn't talked to in months, years checking in sounding more concerned than she did when I told her.


Leave it be, if he's going to try and get sympathy from you, let him do that and then decide how you want to play it... .Trust me it made my accident 50x worse getting zero support from her.

Lovethebeach,

I feel for your dilemma.  I really do.  I got a call recently from my ex when she was about to have a panic attack.  She "needed" me.  Once I realized that was why she called, I was already talking to her.  I talked to her for another minute and then said I had to "go".  I'm over the idea that she can't make it without me.  My sense of trepidation is more about the fact that I still have to communicate with and see her because we live in a small town and share young children.  Keep it peaceful and detached, but disengage as soon as possible is my motto.

But for you... .you have no children with him.  You have no reason to rescue him.  Here's the plain truth:  these people don't know how to be "friends."  They know how to have ego-supply, need-fulfillers -people who exist to tell them they are good, to revolve around their needs, to carry their blame, and never complain about it.  And they know how to have people they paint black and blame and hate.  That's about it.

After 15 years of dealing with my now-ex wife, here's one thing I have been slow to learn but which has proven itself to be true consistently:  every time I let her close, I pay for it.  EVERY time.  Every time I reach out, try to be nice, or do anything that even allows her to come close and be nice to ME, I always regret it.  It always ends badly.  ALWAYS.  Anything from a passive-aggressive dig to some kind of subtle insult about how I'm a bad person for not doing more for her to some kind of drama blow-up.

Car accidents happen to people every day.  :)o you feel the compulsion to run to their rescue, too?  Here's the deal:  HE IS NOT HELPLESS.  My ex had "zero support" from her family, as well.  After knowing them all for 15 years, I can tell you one thing is true... .they may be dysfunctional, but she was painting them out to be way worse than they are.  These people are masterful at making themselves out to be victims.  Why didn't she have support from her family?  Was it just because they are heartless people who don't care?  Or perhaps is it because they are tired of being abused and blamed for all of her woes, as she lives her life with no responsibility, caring only about getting laid, spending someone else's money, finding someone to buy her sob stories, and dumping responsibility and blame on others?

If it was you, and you had "no support", what would you do?  Maybe find friends?  Find support for yourself?  And if there is nobody there, maybe look in the mirror and ask yourself if maybe its because you are a jerk?  Yes, because that is what normal people do.  He could do the same.  He could.  But he probably won't.

And that raises another issue.  Have you considered that the more you run to his rescue and play into his victim-story, the more you are helping him live in his delusions and not do the things necessary to become healthy?  Let him go.  He is not helpless.  He seems to find new people to buy into his crap rather quickly, doesn't he?  Believe me, my ex never has a shortage of people who will buy all the garbage she spreads about me and what a victim she is.  If he prefers the shallow over the genuine and healthy, that is his problem, not yours, and he can only learn that lesson himself.  You can't help him see.  Won't ever happen.

I read something yesterday that seemed just right:  

While we are in a committed relationship, we are expected to honor our promises, to be compassionate, to help our partner be the best person they can be.  

But once they break the trust, abandon us, cheat on us, then except for what the law dictates, our responsibility to them is ended.    Our responsibility at that point is only to those others who depend upon us, and to ourselves.  

All of us here understand that it's not easy for you to stay NC.  Something that has helped me is to practice acceptance.  It took a lot of time and effort for me to even begin to accept that my marriage was over forever, that there would be no reconciliation, that she cares nothing about how destructive her actions have been, and that the future I counted on has been lost.  Even now, the disbelief comes back in long waves.

My ex- has a life-threatening disease.  And so do I; but she has left me to deal with that alone.  I feel no compulsion to  reach out to her as she seeks treatment.  I know that if I did, it would only annoy her, it would be inappropriate, and it wouldn't change her indifference towards me.  That's what acceptance will buy you.

Thank you for all of your answers!

I've decided to remain NC... .I cant risk the hurt again.

Was there a defining moment in your relationship(s)?

A moment where you knew it all changed?

I'm wondering when I'll stop to dream about him... .Can't wait for the day he is no longer my first and last thought of the day!

Yes.  In hindsight I can see that as we were getting closer we were becoming more triggering for each other, and although I did have a desire to make it work, nothing I did was helping, and she was taking a my way or the highway attitude.  So I went into protection mode too, we couldn't have been farther apart at that point, everyone for themselves, and I had a blinding flash of the obvious that it was never going to work.  One of the most important aspects of a relationship is the ability to resolve issues together, and we failed miserably, in fact resolution attempts just created more issues, the crazy was on full blast and I just bailed, pure self preservation.

My defining moments were not isolated. Rather they built upon each other which continues.

Realizing that I was the only one " going back" to try to communicate, the only one who had very real feelings that had not changed. Realizing that my very real emotional needs were not only unimportant, it seemed almost impossible for him to even acknowledge.  Realizing that it was okay to leave me very hurt, but the opposite would be entirely unacceptable.  Realizing that the r/s reached a point where it was entirely about one person, rather than two.  Realizing that he slowly gained control over even the ability to communicate w me.  It was acceptable for him to ignore me perhaps for weeks but not acceptable for me to ignore him for a moment.

So much about the r/s just seemed to change on a dime.  He loved me, he hated me, he projected vitriol on me, often left me in very real tears and never responded in a way one that who " loves you" should. 

The triangulation, as he returned to his ex " who he didn't love" and of course who earlier in time mistreated him, which I was told I must accept as he worked on himself. The sense of satisfaction he seemed to have knowing he hurt me.  He just literally changed seemingly overnight from being hyper vigilant and caring and incredibly loving to someone who devalued me more and more and more.

After he abandoned me, he never looked back. Never checked in to see if I  was okay via any mode.  I was not okay. I was devastated. I had no knowledge of BPD.  I was barely able to function.

The moment I saw him, in  all this horrific pain, with the replacement floored me.  I was floored. No idea of BPD. No idea of what was happening to me. Nearly in a nervous breakdown.  And this waif man who needed everything from me, and received it in genuine love, had replaced me.  While I was struggling to live.  Thats how much I meant to him.

I think that very moment I knew.  This was extremely beyond something normal.  Im struggling to live and hes gleeful.  I had been reading about BPD in desperate attempt to perhaps find something that made " sense" but largely denying it bc, to me, it had been love.  The moment I saw him I had to fully acknowledged he was a very sick borderline.  He had returned to his NPD ex ( I know realize I was the replacement to that r/s  ) and while in that " renewal " r/s, was with yet another replacement.

This was a man that I indeed loved deeply and had cared for and loved as deeply as you describe in your situation, who left me on the curb. Like a piece of trash.  And just picked up what seemed to be anyone.  The replacement was 15 yrs older than him.  And homely. But the smile he wore as I passed them was a smile I knew well. 

Finding this site perhaps could rank as my defining moment bc there's not one experience on this board that provided favorable results to go back. Without the support and knowledge I gained here, I may not have made it.  It was that hard. And it took time and great effort to know there would never be closure unless I put my own needs to regain my own wellbeing first and foremost while radically accepting a tremendous amount I just had to give over. 

And I had to embrace personnel inventory which is the essential function needed in healing. 

"My defining moments were not isolated. Rather they built upon each other which continues.

Realizing that the r/s reached a point where it was entirely about one person, rather than two.  

So much about the r/s just seemed to change on a dime.  He loved me, he hated me, he projected vitriol on me, often left me in very real tears and never responded in a way one that who " loves you" should.  

He just literally changed seemingly overnight from being hyper vigilant and caring and incredibly loving to someone who devalued me more and more and more.

After he abandoned me, he never looked back. Never checked in to see if I  was okay via any mode.  I was not okay. I was devastated.

And this waif man who needed everything from me, and received it in genuine love, had replaced me.  While I was struggling to live.  Thats how much I meant to him.

I think that very moment I knew.  This was extremely beyond something normal.

This was a man that I indeed loved deeply and had cared for and loved as deeply as you describe in your situation, who left me on the curb. Like a piece of trash.  And just picked up what seemed to be anyone."  



This all rings so true with me. Your WHOLE statement does, really. He dropped me seemingly over-night after I confronted him on yet another lie... .He hasn't initiated contact since... .even after the accident, to see how I'm doing.

He did. He just left me and I'm trying to pick up the pieces by myself... .one step at at a time. He shows no care or concern for my well-being anymore. I'm probably painted black. He must have found new supply elsewhere and I'm expecting him to tell him family on Thanksgiving. I have to mail his belongings back tomorrow. As much as I want to keep an old sweatshirt of his, I think he may interpret that as me "keeping the door open." He always kept a piece of his clothing at my apartment in college ... .for the connection. Now, he sent me the money to mail his things back... .And so, as much as I'd like to keep the sweatshirt... .the door has been officially shut.

Its hard. He needed me. He was a waif. Now, he's turned into someone I don't even know. It's sad really.

I don't think any of his pain inflicted onto me was intentional ... but it's not okay and I need to remind myself that I cant save him.

I informed him of BPD and his mom... .Got him into therapy. Ultimately, he spat in my face and would rather have childish fun then deal with the reality and the boundaries of the relationship.

We're on two different roads now.

It is very sad and you did nothing to deserve this nor could you have changed the outcome.

Its not okay to treat others as we've been treated. It's not okay to accept that treatment or to welcome it back. It's not okay to spat in the face of someone who loves you or to kick that person to the curb.

This is a disorder. A serious mental illness.

This is not someone you can save.  Love doesn't win, the disorder does. Every time.

I tried, you tried.  Look where we are.