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This is it. I have decided to break up with him. When I have done it, I will move to "Leaving". I plan to do it by writing him a letter on Saturday. I dare not be alone with him when I do it.

My self esteem, my freedom of speech, my integrity, my health, my self confidence, my energy are in big danger. I have come to realize that nothing is going to change. We are both 61 (been together for 8 months), he has been in therapy for two years, ended in March this year, and is not going for therapy again. He can not function in a close relationship. The roller-coaster is too destructive and damaging for me. Irresistibly loving (most of the time), then coldness, then rage, and it starts all over again. About four or five times he has had very scary outbursts of rage. In the beginning he told me that he had been violent to some of his former female partners. The last one reported him to the police. That was two years ago. He was sentenced to choose between two years' imprisonment or 5 years of psychiatric treatment. That treatment is nothing. Once a week he goes to this psychiatric centre and has a cosy chat in a group with a caretaker and other patients who have other diagnoses and who have never been violent. He looves these cosy chats. Every time he got an outburst I froze and wondered: when is he going to hit me? But I already feel the violence though he hasn't hit me. It really feels like violence. Then there is something seriously wrong. I can not and will not live in a relationship being afraid of the one I love. Why wait to see if he hits me? Six weeks ago I talked to him about it and told him that I don't feel safe when he gets these outbursts, and that we have to make an agreement that he leaves when he feels it coming. He seemed to understand, and he agreed. Last evening and today he had explosive outbursts, but didn't leave. Today it lasted for an hour. I didn't dare tell him to leave. I didn't dare say anything. I just stood there silently listening to his shouting horrible things to me. He was in power. Yet, I feel so sorry for him. I really do.

I dare not be alone with him when I break up. I plan to tell him in a letter that it is over. I will send it on Saturday. Or should I meet him on a café and tell him there? Is it lousy of me to tell him in a letter? Please tell me honestly what you think.

There is less of me now than there was 8 months ago. And if I don't stop this now there will be less and less of me until I disappear. It is going to be unbearably painful. He is the most loving and affectionate man I have known, when he is in a good period. As long as it lasts (which is not for long). Heaven! We were going to enjoy December together, with all the pleasures of Christmas. Spending Christmas Eve together with my old mother, who looks so much forward to this. He loves Christmas and can't wait till December. It is going to hurt and I am going to feel horribly alone. I am tempted to postpone it, to have him just a little bit longer, till after New Year. Why? Because I am scared of the afterwards. I am scared if I stay, and scared if I leave. Someone on this board said to me two months ago: "You don't know how lucky you are. Six months! ... .". Not yet too much involved not to have a good chance of getting out of it. I am very much aware that when I break up, it will be definite. There will be no way back. I love him, and I don't want to destroy that by staying. May Christmas soon be over.

This all sounds painful. Your emotional turmoil jumps right out of every line.

You have listed enough justifications to end this relationship right here, right now. What is it that really holds you back? 

Hey harbour, Agree w/Aussie.  Why postpone the inevitable?  Why not call him today?  Presumably there is some part of you that doesn't want things to end.  Can you tell us more about that part of you?  What are you afraid of?  I know these are tough questions.  LuckyJim

Guilt because I didn't set all the boundaries I should in the relationship. That might have saved it. And because of my own mistakes in general in the relationship.

A little doubt. Am I right? Could we solve this, if I tried harder. For example if I was more determined and clear in setting boundaries.

Fear of the afterwards. The loss of the good things. Pain and sad, sad lonely days.

Feel lousy because I don't have the courage to break up face to face. So I am still racking my brain about how to do it in the most proper way. Can't decide which way is least unfair and cowardly: To call him and tell him. Or write him a letter on Sunday. We should be together from Friday till Monday, and I have to tell him somehow not to come Friday.

My mind isn't working too well at the moment. I am exhausted and tense.

Harbour,  I have read all of your back story just now.  Girl, you are stronger than you think. You have already set bounderies where most of us struggle with.

You seem to handle things actually well. I don't think you could have done anything better. You must trust your gut!  This is not going to get better.