BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

I've noticed that I am not alone in struggling with finding the true identity of the person I was with.

It is easier to understand my ex's behaviour the more I understand BPD generally. It is so much easier to define him via a set of unfortunately reliable symptoms.

This is a kind of objectification though, explaining everything via the pathology -- and I would rather see him as a person who happens to have BPD. This is a respectful, heart-centred approach. But how can I know who he really is, when he doesn't know either?

One of his predominating symptoms is a lack of personal identity. He imitates those around him. He took on my interests and (superficially) took on much of my outlook (as he perceived it). Now he is doing this with his new best friend, my platonic replacement.

He tries hard to convince us that this is how he is, too hard... .as if he is also trying to convince himself. Maybe if we believe it, that will make it real, and he will have found who he really is... .This is what it looks like.


I hope that makes sense. It is a real quandary, as I do respect him as a person, but as an invisible person in a way, someone I detect but just don't know. I don't know who I am actually respecting here... .and neither does he, it seems.

I'm not sure I can be of much hope, but my wife is very similar in this regard. She obsesses about trying to "fit in" with everybody and adapts to everybody around her. When we first started dating I couldn't believe how many interests we shared in common. I later realized that we didn't share many interests at all. She was just trying to morph herself into my life and show how we were soul mates. She's called us that many times. I don't see it that way AT ALL.

I now know that fundamentally, we are almost nothing alike. My wife does this with many people and not just me. She's always trying to appease everybody else and acts just like the people she's hanging out with at the time. I should've recognized a huge red flag in the beginning of our relationship when she took me to a party at a friend's house. It was a full on frat party complete with excessive beer drinking, tons of weed smoking, skanky girls dancing and making out with each other, etc... .which I don't really care about because I did that in my early 20's. It was just the fact that it was so completely out of character for her. It was a side of her that didn't in any way match any other part of who I'd seen her to be up to that point. I later came to realize that she works hard to fit in with whatever group of people she's with at the time. She's a true chameleon and is constantly adapting. She also hates the fact that I'm the same person with everybody and constantly criticizes me for not caring what others think about me.

Personally, I find it more ballanced to see it both ways. A person with BPD and BPD with a person. I think the most important distinction is that they are a person and a human being. Not less than human.

My ex objectified herself sort of finding ways to find a nitch in my ego. And through assuming various roles such as the nurturing mother, seductive maiden, and inocent naive child triggered me to project onto her how I would like to relate to these archetypes. Then through my own pride and cognitive dissonance I repressed possible red flags and unacceptable behavior. At the same time she adapted herself to be inline with this projection and repressing her own inconsistencies with how I would like to percieve her to ensure the attachment and avoid abandonment.

This all led to a mutual identity crisis.

There is a little picture that skip posted of like 4 puzzle pieces

And a phantom piece as part of the 4 pieces.  I was like the 4 pieces and with her assuming the role of the phantom piece felt whole. While she was like the phantom piece trying to expand outward to become her own complete 4 pieces.

Thankyou, for the very helpful replies, and more to think about :)

Yes, the chameleon, that is exactly what seems to be occurring.

The picture of the puzzle pieces works very well for my situation in that I was happy when we met - except for one missing piece. I was wishing for companionship, as I wanted to share my otherwise good (to me!) life. It would appear that my ex's wish for companionship was about a lot of other things... .such as needs fulfillment, dramatic re-enactments and projections for BPD reasons, that kind of thing. I cannot know for sure, but he appeared to be with me for reasons very unlike my own motivations for relationship.

When questioned, in words we are of course the same in motivations (the chameleon matches), but his BPD directed actions spoke very aggressively to the contrary.

But maybe the words are truth, and BPD is a deceptive overlay on his real selfhood.

He did objectify himself, and does so less now. I did not feed this objectification and he found it immensely disturbing. As for my ego, I think it was reduced by having all of my life practices, capacity to work, rest, function,... when and how I chose, stripped away from me. Everything I had chosen to keep in my life, and with which I subsequently identified myself, was forcibly removed. My choice became: do I take care of this person in extreme need, or do I maintain my own life?

So, like a parent of a child with special needs, I lost my identity that way. That's ok, I am learning so much about my own vulnerabilities/weaknesses now that I am glad to be starting again from scratch. I didn't even know my ego had anything to lean on at all, until this relationship. Or that I had/have codependant tendancies.

There is so much to process.