BPDFamily.com

I left my husband after 15 months of marriage last May. I took my 17 year old and moved her into her da's home and I joined them. My ex is kind, and never judgmental. I knew my husband had mental issues when even before we wed, he'd sit at end of bed and say he had to leave, or I don't belong here.  I thought he couldn't commit, but learned he was worried that I couldn't deal with his diabetes or occasional impotence. Once he even said he didn't want me to see his "other" side. A red light should have gone up, but love is blind. After 2 months of that, I finally said if you want to leave, I'll help you, and threw his 6 bags of clothes into the snow. Then he begged me to stay while in a childlike posture. I learned recently he was afraid to leave his ex (divorced from her, but room mates/platonic). He always could rely on her to take him in when laid off, and though she saw and heard his abusive behavior, she allowed it because she was 23 years older, and lonely. He was a great companion, so I understand that.

Even on our wedding night-such a beautiful day and evening, but after sex-great sex, he once again wanted to leave. I was humiliated, and this continued a few more months. I got him into therapy a few weeks before we married. I felt sorry for him-a nice guy who was beaten by his dad-a boxer, and so he grew up with no trust and fear of abandonment.  A few months of therapy helped him see how awful his words were each evening for 4 months! I was ready to grow old together with the love of my life. We moved to the city-where he was employed. He got laid off the same day we moved in! I was not aware he was a temp. He never searched for work while laid off-always expected he'd get called back... .so his mood got worse and he was frustrated we could not constantly shop or travel. I made excuses for him-due to job loss, and my daughter thought he was becoming more weird and irritable too.

We had much bad luck with house, so with one less paycheck, I saw foreclosure in Oct 2013, and begged to sell. he refused and I didn't know why he'd want to go under. Again, I rescued him by getting loans from family and friends so he could stay. I began to find his verbal abuse becoming daily. I didn't even want to sleep with him-told him hate was not romantic. Then he used me obtaining as fodder for hating me. He called me a lesbian and a gold digger because we had no money left-he thought I was stashing it. He spent many days in the bedroom alone-and I felt so rejected.

By Dec 2013, I tried to leave, but didn't have enough $ for security deposit, and he begged me to stay and start over. He got called baCK TO WORK ONLY 4 MONTHS, BUT i KNEW BEFORE THAT i NEEDED A PLAN TO LEAVE-ESP WHILE HE WAS WORKING. i WANTED TO ACT HUMANE. i FINALLY GAVE HIM A MONTH NOTICE i WOULD LEAVE jUNE 1ST. HE WAS LIVID-CALLED ME A QUITTER.  (oops)

That last month got so bad, I packed up my things and put it in my ex's garage and took my daughter 1 week early to a friend's home to calm down. I had a new job, and had to clean my exe's house, so first 2 months went by quickly. He had his ex move in asap-they planned that a week before I told him-as he suspected I might leave. She was eager as he was good companion and liked to clean, and she cooked for him. Still platonic. At first, she was rude to me and intimidated as she knew he still loved me. He and I began contact July 5th and when she found out, she made him change his ph#, and checked his phone daily. In August she had him sign a contract because she took out a loan to pay $10,000 of his debts. Just a few were mine.  He was now under her control-stuck with a control freak he didn't love-just needed her $ so not to foreclose.

By Sept, he had enough of her (maybe she's BPD?). So, he came over to ask if I still loved him. I was vulnerable and said  "Yes, but not your behavior". He begged me to move back. She said she'd leave if I did and asked for more $ up front besides the monthly $ he paid her back. He was so sincere about our future, telling me details. So I bought back my wedding ring. Then a week later, I lost my job, and he had a bad day, so we got into an argument because he said I interrupted him-another way to control me by deciding when it was my turn to talk. So, I left and didn't answer his calls=so he dumped me. I sold my ring back and cried daily. At first, I felt it was my fault for not calling him back, or I deserved to be left since I abandoned him too. I had to get in therapy as I was falling apart.

I learned what emotional abuse was, and agree to set limits again. Then he found ways to call me and I did same to him. Contact began again, and his ex exploded and begged him for $ so she could get out! I told her I didn't want to move back-just date him. She and I began to be friends. We were each other's support system. She validated my feelings, and shared numerous lies of his and I did the same. By then, neither of us cared if he'd lose house. I was always honest with her. Told her I slept with him when he lied. I felt I didn't need permission to sleep with my husband, but she called him deceitful.

One day I told her I joined a bowling league, and a man asked me out. I told him I wasn't ready, and still married. She brought that up to him and he went into a rage, came to this home where I stay and yelled and called me a slut. That was unusual as he never used foul words. I got wrapped up with his rage and called him bad names in return. Next day, he came to a place I told him I'd be the week before. He apologized. I did too. he asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I said it was too cold, but he should come over later.

Okay, I seduced him by telling him I'd wear fishnets-I knew that would bait him. We had an amazing day-sex twice, evening out and calm, with many laughs. Then we talked about future. I said I looked at my budget without a job and no more child support, and we could not afford that house. He was about to leave when he said he'd have to think about everything, lay low, and sweet talk his ex. I was devastated, but this time realized he was flip flopping again. He'd chANGE HIS MIND AS USUAL RIGHT? 

3 days have gone by and no calls. His ex and I were supposed to go to a craft fair, but she had a family emergency. I was relived as I had so much guilt. She had no idea he was with me all day.  I made contact via text to give him 2 therapist' ph numbers that he had seen briefly in past. They said he was not cognitively able to "get it". But, while with me last week, he agreed to return, but usual didn't show up. I gave him an ultimatum-therapy or divorce. He really wants me, but that damn house is his priority. That hurts, I mean if I love a person, I'd live in a cave if we had too! he's so into material things and stubborn. he'll end up with nothing.

I'm a people person. So, I am realizing he's also narsisstic. It's obvious he has PTSD too, and the therapist added aVOIDANT personality disorder too. He is controlling by jealousy and stalking, lies, manipulates, and all the basic BPD traits. He trusts no one, and has no friends! That also, should have been a red flag.  I have learned through therapy why he does everything and what my part was. When he's not alone, he feels loved. When I feel needed , I feel loved.  I was told no contact back last summer.  WE broke that since July 5th.   Our divorce is mid January, and I feel he won't want me back as I have not enough money to help him keep house. I have disability, but gave back my child support to my ex.  He is laid off from city half of most years. He didn't look for hobs this summer either while with her. I read it might be due to his fear of change and trust issues-esp with strangers.

His ex promised me she'd leave in spring after she takes some more of his checks. That would be $1,000 per month, and an extra one in January. I worry he will beg me to return when she leaves-but that might be after our divorce. I wish he'd go to therapy now, as my limits are firm... .he needs therapy BEFORE the divorce asap. He'll probably need 6-12 month or more individual therapy as his inability to function alone, nor regulated his moods and emotions, make him a long term candidate. When we spoke a few days ago, he said he WOULD go back, and he liked the 2nd therapist the best. He also said after he returned to church last month, he feels happy.

In October, I talked to his pastor 2 hours and explained what his other side was like. My husband used to tell his pastor he felt like he was drowning... .and now the pastor knows he has serious mental problems. He agree to coax my husband back to therapy and a men's group at church. My fear is I read online SOME churches feel the devil causes BPD!  My husband also likes to play victim and say when he left church, his problems came back... .ummm... .so, I caused his problems?

So, I sit and wait to see if he comes around to realize I'm the one that truly cares. This gives HIM control-as HE decides, so I gave him a letter with a list of things I needed from him-the first, of course, was return to therapy 6 months or more! I am sure that list was either overwhelming, or torn up.  By giving him the list stating my limits, that gave ME back control.

So-IF he wants to stay with her to feel safe and think she won't leave-fine. But I know for certain she WILL leave. He obviously fears I'll leave him again, and I'm not working-so he'd foreclose with usual lay offs imminent. I can intellectualize my situation, but don't want to divorce him. He sort of agreed to date if we part. Then another time said he'd find a church lady to move in. He's good at seducing women quickly! I'm sad, buy not depressed like last month. I almost went to in-patient. I have joined a jewelry class, ping pong class, bowling, and I have rediscovered knitting and crafts once more.  My friends are few, and I sense they also have BPD traits, so we enjoy each other via phone more than in person. My only outlet is an online group I created 4 years ago for women-and trust me, they gave me quite an intervention for a week back in August!

I think only 1 person told me to follow my heart. He loves me-tells me, but adds he doesn't trust me, and always needs assurance he's loved, and I won't leave him again. He asked those 2 things on a daily basis during our marriage too! Am I naive or a dreamer? Is this the part the BPD spouse goes through before reaching acceptance-last stage of loss? I'd take him back tonight if he set up an appt with therapist, and promise to stay weekly past our divorce date. problem is, we know BPDs rarely go or stay... .so I'll find out how strong love is, ofr if he trusts me, or will he stay with her till he forecloses and find a room mate or an apt. Ce sera... .but being at the end of his on/off moods and decisions has drained me... .so I want to know his decision asap-my deadline I gavce him is Thanksgiving.  EIGHT days!  He does not like the fact he'll be along on that day-so hope he doesn't use fear to decide.

Thoughts?