BPDFamily.com

hello all.

i am amazed at this site, often i felt alone, the bad person, it was all my fault however in my gut i knew there was something odd/ off .

a little background.

our relationship started in college but we both went our different ways. we were very attracted to each other. over the next 20 years she would reach out to me even while i was married. i thwarted her advances. When my marriage of 15 years ended, thru serendipity we reconnected as her marriage was ending (she was convinced he was a closet homosexual which was confirmed later by finding him on gay dating sites i know he could have been looking but... ). it started as a classic emotional affair as they were still married but i quickly ended it as i told her that she needed to work on her. she was respectful for a time but then would break silence and show up at my work or call and text. truthfully i was weak from my divorce and it felt good to be pursued by this woman and eventually it turned into a physical affair. after a month or 2 i again called it quits "sighting your married ". 3 months later she came back and said they decided to divorce and the were seperated. she went back one more time for the holidays and then the were seperated.

she moved out and we started our romance.

then the wierd things started to happen.

the first time we broke up she asked that my 9 year old daughter lie to her kids that she never met her or they will hate her for life. i went apocolyptic as many of you could imagine. lying is not how i was raised. This lying along with having to lie to her dad that we started dating almost 8 months later got me mad. not gonna lie i yelled and screamed. i now see how i let my boundaries weaken and weaken then i would lose it.

3 weeks later i get a sob email saying how she cant live without me how she was wrong. in the end of email she put that i needed to work on my anger. it was a problem. now i totally agreed i did not like how i reacted and i found a therapist. (still with her to this day and she has helped my personal growth immensely especially with defining boundaries a weakness from an over bearing but loving mother).

we get back together her kids love me. during this time she proceeds to tell me she has SDD and then lets me know  about her childhood and life. Dad one day when she was 12 up and left the family for another woman. Mom melted down could not function. she was left to raise two sisters, leave her high school for another closer to home because no parent would drive. Dad came back 1 year later to the family but the damage was done. then when her mom left her father 7 years later as she never really forgave him her father went crazy again. 

Anorexia followed, no relationships or many friends, etc. in college i met her she was smart, beautiful.  and i was blown away but timing wasn't right.

she then was married briefly for 1 year then left him and met her current ex who they were in therapy from engagement.

of course we fought non stop with her pulling the rug out of my feet on a monthly basis. i felt crazy, mad, hurt.

she would say "you dont need to spend money on me" then would say "am i not special enough to be taken out to dinner". She would say "are you not proud of me why dont we go out with your friends" then would say a week later "do you not like being alone with me is that why you always want your friends around"?

she would inquisition me on my friends who were girls even if the were married or had live in boyfriends. when i asked about her single guy friends she would say not same thing.

she took her ex on trips and even tried to get me to go to hawaii with him. her argument was that e was gay and didnt love him. my argument was can we build our own life then i have no problem hanging out with him. she physically attacked me after a miscommunication then blamed me for trying to hurt her first which was outrageous.

her own family in their words to me on the side. They loved me and all of them wanted us to be together. however here are few words from the family 

Dad= "shes a b___, i would never date her, she can be crazy but has a heart of gold, shes difficult"

Sister= "shes a tough one always get what she wants spoiled, shes crazy like bat ___ crazy, it runs in our family , she needs therapy and help bad.

i was mad that a family would say those things. it made me want to be with her more. her dad was right tho there was a heart of gold in there a person worth loving.

about the second time we broke up and as i was describing to my therapist that it was like dealing with 2 people she  handed me "i hate you dont leave me." my eyes were opened wide. i had never even heard of BPD i felt at times she had NPD. the more i read the more i felt i was looking at this person. i asked her to look into therapy but she would say "your the one with the issues"

During this split i decided to take my therapy a step further in regards to my anger managment and took a 5 month intensive course. i wanted to slay the dragon. Everyone close to me was blown away with the personal growth. We got back together and i found myself trying to defuse bomb after bomb. Again being accused of

infidelity. Selfish acts etc. I just couldnt take it anymore.

Her mother just bought 1,700 dollar wardrobe and she wanted to show me. i made a fire, poured her a glass of wine in the living room and she proceeded to show the clothes to me and go back to her room. we ordered food at same time. the pizza came and she put it in the oven and went back to her room. 10 minutes go by and nothing i call out, she replys, 10 minutes go by again i call out and get up to see whats up and shes in the room textng her girlfriend pictures. she comes out 10 minutes later sits down on the couch and i state "that my feelings were hurt and here actions were rude leaving me on the couch with no idea what she was doing" hell im a guest in her house.

she explodes on me "im not sorry for anything your controlling, this is why my friends and family worry about you, you are controlling and try to control me, you dont want me to even text when you are around". Well i have said that but it was also in the context of "why cant we be present with each other, i turn my phone off to focus on our time togheter we dont see each other every day". i then proceed to point out how that statement is false with facts and she immediately turns it around and says "oh so now your blaming me for that stuff as well". at this point i go into the other room A) reeling from her first comment she has made me a monster in her familes eyes and B) just want the fight to stop. i took a deep breath and came back in and said "im sorry" she says to me "sorry for what, what are you sorry for if you can't tell me why yuor sorry i wont accept your apology". This is where it went off the rails.

the next morning we talked and she informed me that i had an awful childhood and thats why i was the way i was (transference). she could not be with somebody who yelled and got mad. she needed to be with somebody who didnt get his feelings hurt ever. she stated "you think my actions are selfish, i see things in black and white, im controlling, why would you want to be with me?" i answered that these were her action's not her. she put down my therapy, i stated at least im aware of my issues and i try". i said that she rejected the idea of therapy and she said "i had it for 15 years and i dont have the time or money). In the end when i left i stated to her "sometimes in life when you love something you have to let it go". i drove away and could see her crying hysterically. she has called once crying on a message but i did not answer or call back.

in the end, i wish i could have been stronger, i wish i found this site sooner to at least help me with the true understanding. i could discuss these issues with people who are in the know.  She is worth the love and this is her sickness. However she needs to come to that conclusion to fix it, to understand that she hurts with her actions. 

anyway thanks for being here