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My husband called twice yesterday, and I couldn't make myself answer. I'm not even up to being cordial right now. I feel I gave, and gave, and gave, and he just used me as a target, and played head games with me. I got zero appreciation, all the blame, and horrible abuse on top of that. He didn't see the real me, he just painted me black. Knowing all this, I could see no reason to talk to him. I'm sure he just wanted to strike out, or see what I'm up to. I'm sure his daughters who hated me(they too act PD), are filling his head with crap.

Just a couple days before, the day I saw the attorney, I was wanting him back so badly, and missing him so much, even though I know he's bad to me, and doesn't seem to want to get healthier. I wonder what changed in me? Maybe it was some of the things the attorney said. Everyone has pretty much told me the same things. That I've more than tried, put up with too much, gave it my best, and he is what he wants to be, or he'd change. Use the help, he's sought out. Instead, he's still blaming everyone else: Me, his brother... .you name it.

What are the best things I can do right now? This has set off my panic attacks, but I'm trying not to take very many of the pills I was given for anxiety. All I need right now is to get dependent on them. For some reason, mornings and nights are the hardest. I'm focusing on my kids, and people have been kind to me. Every time I start to obsess, or think "what could I have done differently", I redirect my thoughts, because that just makes me sad, angry, and feel hopeless.

I feel overwhelmed by all I have to do. I'm having panic attacks too often to work, and my memory is gone due to all this stress. I don't even know if he'll pay next month's rent. I have to clear out my parent's basement, renovate it, and move me and my kids out of here, fixing up holes my husband mad in walls. I'm trying to take it a day at a time, but I still feel overwhelmed.

Hi Ceruleanblue,



It's stressful and extremely difficult when you're going through divorce, more so with a personality disorder. You have a lot on your plate and you're suffering from anxiety attacks. I'm not a professional. I can relate and it's very hard. You're overwhelmed. Do you have family, friends, co-workers that can lend a hand? To help out with home reno's, packing, moving and to watch the kids to have some me time? Even if it's a little help it'll go a long way. To have a much deserved break and self-care? I'm so sorry for what you're going through .

You gave it everything you had. No more, no less. No need to answer the calls, you have the right to feel this way. Look at the things you're going through now. Hang in there 

Thanks Mutt,

It really helped to hear that. I just wish I could stop second guessing myself, or thinking "if I'd just done this". My sister in law said I'm taking too much blame, that I really tried, and that my husband is clearly messed up, and a liar. Her husband(my husband's brother) is disgusted at how his brother "walked away from his obligations". He left me broke, yet SIL found out he's been taking groups of people out for dinner. I know the expensive places he likes to eat, and he left us broke.  I took refundable bottles back to buy milk!

He gets a 10,000 bonus soon, and I'm thinking maybe he got that. I'm calling my lawyer tomorrow, because she was going to try to get a freeze on that. I just can't believe how callous he's become. I ignored another of his calls tonight, so he called my Mom, and he was not very nice. He treated me like garbage when I was with him, I can only imagine how the divorce will go. I can't be worried about what he thinks of me, and he's thought badly of me for the last three years anyway. I got painted black, and there I've stayed.

I heard a car door slammed tonight, that sounded like it could be in our driveway, and I actually got scared. Really scared. I feel like I could have PTSD, and the smallest things upset me, or scare me. I had a couple days where I felt strong, but today was awful. I wish I had never met him, and I wish I could just erase my memory(what there is left of it due to all this stress)... .

You have heart Ceruleanblue. I'm sorry H put you through this. You're kids and you are scrapping by and he's possibly got 10k and going out for suppers. Calling your mom angry. That's the reality he's putting you through. Not a nice one. Don't be hard yourself. The PTSD is likely an effect of all of this and it's tremendous stress and pressure with what you're going through. I'm not a professional. You say you have meds and perhaps you got checked for PTSD, perhaps not. He's putting you through hell and you're having panic attacks.

Call your L and I hope they freeze that 10k for you and the kids. I really hope you get a break.

You tried to keep it together and he's showing his true colors now. He's not a man deserving of you. I agree. Take it day by day. Try not to fret on the future. Focus on you and the kids now in the present. Thinking about the future causes extra anxiety and stress. The future has yet to unfold. Anything can happen and live now in the moment. I know it's hard and I'm sure good things are yet to come.