BPDFamily.com

For a year and a half that I was with my uBPDex, I never realized how MUCH she would text me all day, every day.

I've been reading through the forums and see that it is a common thing, apparently? It's been over two weeks now since NC.

My first week, every time I'd get a text, I'd get anxious and panic a little as soon as I heard the notification. Now, it's getting a LOT better, but that whole first week, I kept checking my phone, just out of pure habit. Not even 10 minutes would go by and TEXT... .and then TEXT, and more texts.

Now, I can go a whole day and not receive a single text from people I know and that's when I realized how imprisoned I felt overall by her and my phone. How very little anxiety I have from not having to deal with her consistently and not dealing with her issues.

Anyone else have experiences with going from a blown up phone to dead silence?

Yes, the texts were excessive and I was part of it. If I hesitated to respond there would be hell to pay  :)  I ended up caught up completely in this text fever. I'd know that trouble was brewing if there was a pause in texts for a few hours.

I also am now enjoying a quiet phone.  My ex and I were on the phone so often that I bought a hands free headset, and the answer is yes! once she saw it I had to buy one for her too. This led to us being attached by phone for the entire day that we were apart, literally 12 to 14 hours. That is of course until she got upset about something stupid and hung up and blocked my phone number right from her phone and reduced communication to hate texting. That would happen on an average of 2–5 times a week.

I love my quiet phone now!

Yep... .although they started to taper off towards the end of the r/s as I just noticed or was in denial. But, yeah, there were a crap load of texts for the year and a half.

lol You know the regular way of how people play, they wait a bit with answering to create tension. NOT possible with my ex. :) If it took me more than 30 minutes to respond Id start getting messages saying "?", "?", "hello?". At the other hand I was lucky if she responded the same day.

The ex only texts.

Face to face or even on the phone conversations are too 'personal'. (someone might see who he really is)

So he texts.

My humble opinion is this: Texting is for "Hey can you grab milk on the way home" "hey I'm running late" "I made it to my destination see you tomorrow" type conversations.

I blocked the ex from my phone so the only way he can communicate with me is via email.

My SO's uBPDxw does this to her children (calls & texts ad nauseum) and if they do not respond immediately she will take their phone away and ground them when they are with her.  Uses the phone as a tool and a weapon... .sick 

This is an interesting aspect of the disorder that didn't exist before texting, and illuminates it well.  Borderlines are all about attachment, merging with another person to feel whole, and when they do the feeling too close, push away, feeling too far away, pull close dance shows up.  Texting provides a way to stay emotionally at arm's length, since everything is done in writing, very handy for someone who gets triggered by intimacy.  It's said only 7% of the real message someone is communicating is in the words, the other 93% is in tone of voice and body language, and we don't get any of that with a text.

So what did I do?  I filled in the other 93% with my hopes and dreams, the fantasy, read between the lines, blew all these communication attempts up into something much more than they were.  My bad.  No wonder the real relationship was nothing like the version in my head.

So after I left her I noticed I was having similar relationships with people on Facebook, not romantic ones, but ones that were taking a lot of emotional energy and I don't even know these people in the real world.  So I quit Facebook, don't text, and use email for business, which is a very handy tool for that, but beyond that, it's face to face baby, or maybe the phone; that's where the real communication happens, that's where humans really connect, and had I done just that with my ex we wouldn't have lasted two weeks.  Silly me, live and learn, moving forward... .

Yes you are absolutely right in that the texting, facebooking and phone are all a way to be attached, but to maintain the distance that can prolong or prevent real intimacy. My relationship was long distance, and when we finally met in person, he was very astute in noting that I like the phone and text version of him, versus the flesh and blood him, as after a weekend it was hard for him to maintain that "perfect" mask.

To answer your orginial question Earth... .yes, texting ALL the time, all day, every day. I have to admit it was really hard when the relationship ended because I was so addicted to the attention. It was the hardest thing about disengaging from the ex, was knowing that he wasn't thinking about me all the time, or checking in on me, and that he's doing the exact same thing with the next chick. His longer relationships (2 months as opposed to 2 weeks) are with the ones that live in a different city and he is able to keep the facade up a bit longer.

Yes, i went through this as well. The BPDx would call me at my office at least 5x a day and stay on the phone for a good 20-30 minutes each time. When we would argue and i hung up on her she would call and call and call and call non-stop. One time it was 101 missed calls. I should have had her arrested.

WooHoo!  There's some dysfunction run amok.

I had the audacity to take 8 rings to answer the phone once, and got "what took you so long, are you ignoring me?  :)on't ever do that again!"  And yet I stayed, not too much longer, but the appropriate thing would have been to walk away right then, or even earlier, yet I stayed, and it wasn't until much later that I realized what a pull the addiction had had on me; very, very scary that I lost the ability to think rationally, never been emotional involved with a mental illness before, very scary, a wake up call like no other.

I wonder what they did before texting?

My ex would go nuts blowing up my phone. One time, I had a 3 hour meeting and she argued and complained about her best friend and in the span of that meeting, by the time I was done, she had already reserved the issue with her best friend. I had 16 texts.

One Friday, I had another meeting and she actually picked a fight with me, but i Had to go, I came back to a text of "I can't believe you still went to the meeting while we were discussing this."

I know she definitely had to find someone else to immediately fill up "my" time with.

Yes! FB-messaging non-stop even during working hours. I have to say, I liked it, but it was extremely stressful.

At some point she tried to trash-talk her co-worker by telling me that that person was using FB excessively.

You know, until I read this, I had not really thought too much about it. But yes, not only do I no longer hear from her... .I never hear from any of the people I used to hear from all the time prior to being with her. I only hear from the rare few new friends I have made down here. When we were together, she would always grab my phone and look through to see if there were any messages from anyone, even texts from friends who were guys (I am a guy) brought on the comment that they must be my gay lovers and she would rant and rage. I still have the thousands and thousands of texts she sent me in my phone, when I need a little reminder of how little we got along, I read some... .whew.

This thread really hits home for me. Two days before the end of the final cycle and her last move out, I got a string of text messages about my inability to communicate with her.  That was code for I didn't jump at every text message and phone call from her.  That moved onto a weekend of emotional terrorism and then finally on Monday, her moving out.

On a side note, I hated the part where I would have to become a major league jerk to get a message across to her.  One thing I discovered alongthe way that was very effective in shutting her down was to act even crazier than her.  She used to look at me and say I am nuts and then quiet down after one of her multiple hour and multiple day rampages.  I guess even crazy people don't like to be in the presence of someone crazier than themselves.

AB

I don't know if anyone else experienced this, but once we broke up, before I was able to accept (to be honest am still trying to accept his BPD) I went a bit nutso with the texting and messaging. It was so frustrating to me that I would text him, (when he wanted to remain friends) to ask how he was doing, or something else random a friend would ask about, and he would ignore me. It made me mad when I know he is attached to his phone and checking messages, chatting with other folks, etc. It made it seem so disrespectful to know that he was ignoring me and couldn't be bothered to respond, when he used to blow me up throughout the day. I was mirroring that BPD behavior... .scary.

I tried to as well. Not a lot of them, but tried none the less. Wish I hadnt.

Same man... .I was in group convos on iPhone, getting tons of texts with tons of people prior to her... .I've gone about 3 days without a text from anyone, snapchat is dead, fb is slower than it was... .My networks that were outstanding prior to her self imploded.

My phone is very quiet :/

I actually went out last night with some friends and one of them asked me, "Where's your phone? You usually have it out and are texting constantly."

Yep, not anymore.

Yes. Loads and loads of texts and phone calls all day everyday. But there were times when she would shut down. Likely busy with the other brother. 100-0 real quick.

Wow this thread really resonates for me.  

The texting situation sort of snuck up on me... .We met online, so first our communication was messaging through there.  Then we exchanged numbers before meeting and spent an hour or so texting back and forth each night getting to know each other.  - This is also a sign of my immaturity.  I should have picked up the phone and had a real conversation.  But I'd been out of the dating game and friends told me "girls like to text. Okay fine.  -

Before we were together I would always have to initiate but she would always respond.  Once we were a couple, the texting was nonstop.  But we were in the honeymoon/idealization phase and I ate it up.  As things progressed, it became problematic.  If I didn't respond it would be hell to pay, as others have said.  Here is a verbatim conversation:

Her: Honey

Her: Sweetie

Her: Baby

Her: Where are you?

Her: Do you not love me?

Her: Baby

Her: Honey

Her: Why don't you love me?

Her: *Crying emoji*

(This is in a 5-10 minute span)

Me: Babe, I'm here

Her: *Very happy emoji*

I was too enmeshed to get out at that point, but I knew this was not normal by any stretch.



Yup. She demanded to go through my phone "to see what people said about her".  Insane in retrospect.  I did enforce the boundary of not letting her do it any more, but there were many fights over that, FB, other girls (FRIENDS!), and "guy friends I said bad things about her to".  I saved them all in a hidden folder in my phone and I look at them when I feel like I miss her a bit.  Reminds me of all the pain and what I want to be no part of.


When my BPDexgf would get angry (and dysregulated) she would hang up and either silent treatment me or shoot off a barrage of texts filled with her venom.  Naive, codependent me would beg her to please just call me so we could talk like adults.  And I would call her over and over until she answered.  Pure mirroring.  Looking back it's like, "What was I thinking?" but when you're in the trenches with a pwBPD things get very foggy.  She might finally actually answer only to become enraged and hang up again OR tear apart my self-worth so systematically that she was sure she "won" and "I knew it was all my fault".  Then, once she got it all out of her system, she expected me to love her.  It went back to "I love you, why don't you love me?" Because you are destroying and abusing me so excuse me if I don't feel the love right now.  

If I ever come across a potential partner (or friend for that matter) who behaves like this I will drop them like a f**king hot potato.  


You've got me beat on that one.  My record for a day was 60 missed calls but this was particularly difficult because it the first time I went NC with her.  If I was using my phone for something else and she called there were a lot of situations where I almost hit "accept" by accident, but thankfully I never did.  This time around I am 32 days strong NC and I had the balls to block her calls and texts.  I doubt she has tried to reach me (painted me black) but if she did I don't know about it.  The first time around I wasn't ready for that, but this time I hit "block" and haven't looked back since.  |iiii

Good the hear, StayOrLeave.

When driving and using your mobile phone became illegal here with a heavy fine attached to it, I bought an ear-piece so I could answer the phone while driving. My office phone diverts to my mobile and I'm self employed so it's not a good idea to miss calls. With the phone now in my top pocket I couldn't see who was calling so I would answer it formally as if it was a customer calling.

Her reaction? Rage! "As if you don't know it's me calling", even though she knew I was now wearing a telephone earpiece with the phone in my top pocket. How many times did I explain that before she conceded. Man, it was hard work.

My normal way of a answering my phone when her photo flashed on my screen was "hi honey".

Her normal way of answering her phone when my photo flashed on her screen was "hello" (sounding like a man).

When her friends rang? "Hiiiiiii Sally (or whatever)". Always excited and very warm.

Don't even get me started on the text messages.

Oh yes the constant texing in the love bombing stage was doing about  3000 texs plus a month i had to upgrade my contract was costing me a bomb. Guess i need to downgrade now  lol. If was busy for 30 mins plus would get a stream of messages from hi love you how are you, to why dont you tex back do you hate me. When we split i blocked her number and changed the tex tone still makes me panic when it goes off.

Lighting up the phone. Thank god for unlimited texting plans.  Yes, she had me texting like a pro (or teenage girl) within a week. I went from about 200 txts a month with everyone I knew combined to about 200 a day just with her, sometimes more.  Of course as time progressed and we began the roller coaster ride, I would go with days of no texts and then 300. She also never really liked to TALK on the phone.  Anyone else with similar experiences?

Craydar, like I posted in my own thread:

She would only "talk" on the phone when the matter was so important it couldn't warrant texting, so pretty much, never. Most of our arguments were via text and the triggers over the phone were INSANE. Whenever she'd text me a situation and asking for my thoughts, I knew a fight was going to ensue over text. Worst part was that she knew I was at a job where I could text her immediately back, but all of a sudden not be able to text her for 3 hours without notice. I was convinced me talking to her on the same phone she was texting everyone with was also setting her apart from her FB and everyone else in the world.

On one Friday, I had an emergency situation that took me away from 1:30 to 4:30, by the time I came back, the last of the 23 messages read: "Hey, it's Friday, you're not supposed to be not texting me while you are that busy at work. I'm kidding. Can't wait to see you. I've had other people keeping me company via text while you were gone."

It was always text. Text. Text. Text.

I remember her ragging on me because I was to slow texting... Ive got big hands and fingers! I couldnt keep up without looking like I was having a stroke because I would hit 2 or more keys at the same time!... .lol. Then I would get ragged on for not calling her. Again, couldnt do anything right... .

I like to leave my phone at home these days. I like to be where I am in each moment of the day. Ahhhh... .sanity returns.  *)

Yes, the silence is deafening... I miss it sometimes and makes me feel lonely...   Outside of sleeping, I can count on 1 hand the amount of times i went more then an hour without hearing from her

we were apart for 5 months, I was on another continent. We would skype at least once a day for at least an hour (despite timezone issues). We would be in contact via text at least once an hour. Also,FB, facetime, soundcloud, viber... .This was insane. I can see it all so clearly now. At the time I was entranced by her. Life is better now.

Quite often I would exceed my free limit of 500 texts a month.  I never achieved that before the rs began or after it ended.  It was crazy.  We went to a concert and texted each other while sat side by side.  I would be sat in the lounge room watching tv and she would be putting her child to bed and would text me from the floor above.  Crazy.