BPDFamily.com

Once in a while you hear a song that so poignantly captures a moment of your life it forces you to look beyond your own jaundiced perspective and glimpse The Truth. Today I listened to the song "Take Me to Church" by Hozier and wept - but probably not for the reasons you'd think.

First, let me bear witness: Like everyone here, I have been wounded to the core from my relationship and subsequent breakup from a person with BPD. In fact, I've been carrying that cross for years now. Yes, the pain has dulled over time, but like a scab that hasn't fully healed, even the slightest bump and scrape opens it anew to bleed all over again. Despite attempts at self help (thank goodness for BPD Family) and therapy, I've never felt anything more than the distance time inevitably puts between you and your past. Like a long-suffering person with PTSD, the hurt, regret, shame, and anger have always only been a brief memory away.

I must confess: For all this time, I've always looked on my ex and "The Troubles" as something that happened TO me - like a white squall, (more like a hurricane), that capsizes an unsuspecting sailor. I didn't WANT to be in a relationship with BPD - my god, who would?

The Truth is: I would. No, I had no idea what BPD was at the time. That said, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize something's wrong when your SO believes a punch to the head is an acceptable way to end an argument. Granted, staying in the relationship was never one of my more rational decisions. At the time, I suppose I thought it was logical - well, as much as I imagine someone with Stockholm Syndrome thinks staying with their captor is a sensible choice.

And there it is. Choice. The inescapable Truth of the whole sordid affair. You see, no matter the reasons or state of mind, whatever my rationale; at the end of the day, it was MY choice to throw myself into the breach time and again.

That's why I wept. The name of the song itself is a command: "Take me to Church", says the refrain. When I read the lyrics, its not hard to imagine myself then; knowing there was something wrong about the whole thing - but embracing it all the same - for whatever dysfunctional, twisted reason.

Honestly, I've always sensed what the Truth was. I've simply chosen to focus on peripherals: Motives, reasons... .The "why" of it. Surely worth exploring, but at the end of the day what matters is that I MADE THE CHOICE. In the face of that, everything else; right or wrong, bad or good, blame and fault - all fade away into unimportance.

There is power in that knowledge. You see, victims don't make choices or decisions. Bad stuff just happens. By definition then, I am not a victim. I have the ability to choose, now as then. I am, in fact, not a prisoner of circumstance. I pray the Truth; that the misery I've endured is ultimately a consequence of my own decisions, will set me free.

My friend, my xBPDgf loves this song.

The truth is, we are not victims, we want to be because it absolves us of responsibility. Thats why we're not termed victims, but SO's, NONS. We MAKE the choice to enter into a relationship when from day 1 something is 'off'.

The song aptly describes entanglement, we all know the obsession, the worship of our BPDso that we feel. We come up with all sorts of pat terms like "soulmate", "lover", "dance of romance" etc, but in the end its nothing but an unhealthy relationship with someone who has no ability to introspect and see the error of their ways. They may pay lip-service to their issues but they don't seek recovery, but someone to allow them to bury their problems for a time.


If that doesn't sound like something a BPD would say I don't know what does!

She called me her God, I tried to give her the gospel once and she said "your my God", "I believe in you".

You're obviously recovering, and thats a very good sign. Stuff like this hits us when we're on our way out of the fog. It's your brain recalibrating to normality.